How do I handle other children's reactions?

[PoshCat]

DD2 is 5 now and it's pretty obvious she doesn't communicate and behave anything like her NT peers. We are very close to a potential ASD diagnosis.

In the meantime I am struggling with children's reactions to her. Her elder sister is sweet, helpful and kind to her in general but at school and when we have her friends over things are not so good.

I've overheard her friends laughing and copying DD2's babbling and attempts to say words. They ask her to repeat something over and over and find it hilarious. DD1 joins in with her friends.

So far I've been telling them they are not being very kind and DD2 tries very hard to say words properly. DD2 wants to be around them and is oblivious to the teasing. It's good for her to be around other children but I hate the teasing and the older kids telling her she's weird and acts like a baby.

DD1 is basically a kind girl who adores her little sister.

Am I overreacting since they're so young, 6-8 yrs?

Feeling very emotional, tense and self conscious and with the ASD assessment next week I am probably being over sensitive. After all, DD2 has to live in the real world and I can't protect her from other peoples behaviour.

They're not too young to know better imo. DS2 had a bit of this at toddler group, difference being the children were 2/3 years old at the time and honestly didn't know better, they stopped with a bit of gentle explanation about ds2's difficulties and he's at school with them now and despite his speech and behaviour still being quite noticeably different they're all lovely to him.

I think it's time to be a bit firmer with them. When they're in your home make it clear that any teasing and they won't be getting invited back. Speak to the school and ask them to clamp down on it in school as well, whether she understands or not isn't the issue, it's wrong for them to tease her and shouldn't be tolerated.

I know DD1 aged 7 joins in to fit in with her friends as this never happens when she's just with her sister.
I agree it's something that should be nipped in the bud.

DD is trying on her own way to join in and play with them. Her attempts shouldn't be mocked.

DD1 gets asked questions about her at school. Why is she doing that? Why can't she speak? Why is she crazy? They are from mostly kids in her class. DD2's classmates just accept her and are quite protective.
Wonder if a teacher should speak to the class?

Asking questions is natural and fine, it's the way in which they're phrasing the questions which is unpleasant. I definitely think the teacher needs to do a talk on the subject and start picking them up on it when it's going on.

dd and ds1's classmates are fascinated by ds2 as well, but they are kind and friendly. Yes they ask questions but I don't mind curiosity at that age. But there's a world of difference between asking 'Why does he speak like that' and 'Why is she crazy' and they need to learn that one is appropriate whereas the other isn't.

I struggle with the fact DD2 loves making people laugh but she doesn't realise these children are laughing at her.

Poor DD1 doesn't know how to explain her sisters behaviour and at 7 she shouldn't have to. Both girls are close in age (year 2 and year 1) so their classrooms are near each other so they have quite a lot of contact with each other.
DD2 was crying the other day and wouldn't go back to her classroom. Her teacher got DD1 out of her class to comfort her. It worked and DD1 got 3 house points for being kind but I wonder if she's feeling too responsible for her sister,

Meant to say hence she may be feeling more inclined to let off steam and allow and join in with her friends teasing of her sister.

It has to be stopped though.

My

I have always felt very strongly that the very least I can do for ds1 (asd) is protect him in his own home, so this sort of thing gets very short shrift in house.

I explain that ds1 has asd, what that means, and then I tell them that in this house we never ever make fun of him-in a very strong tone of voice. Tbh, the 1 child I heard being particularly unkind was never invited back.

My twins found the siblings of children with asd course they went on very helpful-just to meet other kids in the same boat was fab. They had to be 8 to go on that and it was the local asd charity that provided it-though I think they're linked to NAS.

Ds1's class were always very protective and inclusive of him-it's good your dd has that.

I would talk to your dd1's teacher-I always found that the more information out there the better-perhaps they can be told as a class that they need to be understanding of children with difficulties.

all kids should be told they're being unkind and dd2 is not a toy for their amusement.

dd1 could do with some help understanding what special needs/autism is. if your dd1 is anything like my dd she may also need some help/explanation of what special needs means to her and her relationship is with her sister. ie they have fun together they help each other but she is not responsible for dd2 care, a grownup is. For me this it so important that the Neurotypical child doesn't feel their spend their childhood caring. (pet hate schools that use siblings to comfort and calm sn child down because they can't)

playdates for dd when ds was that age usually meant providing both kids with a bit of seperation and were damn hard work.. if I could get ds out the house with grandparents, I would. Alternatively I would enforce dc being in their own bedrooms or in separate parts of the house. If they were together it was supervised. Most when his SN was explained simply went ok.

Yes, I am also a bit concerned the school staff are leaning on DD1 too much and expecting her to be DD2's carer.
Mostly I think it's ok but they asked her to sit with DD2 initially for lunch when she started reception. I checked DD1 was happy to do this and at first she was but felt proud she was "a helpful big girl" but DD2 was taking so long to finish her meal that they were both missing most of playtime. Thankfully DD2 now has a TA who supervises her with lunch.
Another time DD1 was called into a toilet cubicle by a lunchtime meal supervisor to try and calm DD2 who was distressed at wetting her pants and was resisting having her pants changed. Tbh I was a bit uneasy about this but let it go because DD1 calmed her and went into little mother mode helping her to get sorted out and was again proud of herself.
I think a chat with the teachers regarding the teasing is required.
I thought maybe I was overreacting but I'm not am I?

I asked DD1 what she says to children who ask about her little sister. She says DD2 is just a normal girl who can't speak properly.

ihmo I wouldn't say you are overreacting. to me that's horrendous.

it's the kind of thing that can easily breed resentment towards a SN sibling. it can also be quite scary for a child as their adults are not acting like responsible adults.

I don't want DD1 to feel responsible or resentful. I know she often takes it upon herself to pull DD2's tights up if they're half way down her legs after she's been to the loo.
I think she feels both protective and a bit embarrassed by her which is awful for both of them.
What should I be saying to the teaching staff who I've been overall happy with?

I don't want DD1 to feel responsible or resentful. I know she often takes it upon herself to pull DD2's tights up if they're half way down her legs after she's been to the loo.
I think she feels both protective and a bit embarrassed by her which is awful for both of them.
What should I be saying to the teaching staff who I've been overall happy with?

choosing to go over to a sibling when they are upset. yes ok.

being asked by an adult (who you are told you can't say no too) and being pulled out of your own social development no

zzzz DD1 wouldn't be able to stop herself comforting DD2 as she finds it really upsetting when she's distressed. I'm glad she is caring and kind but she needs her freedom to be herself.
It was her decision to include DD2 in playtime games with her close group of friends. She instigates running and jumping activities she knows DD2 can join in with and enjoys.
It's a real pity it's backfired and her friends are as a result very aware that DD2 is different and are laughing at her and being a bit cruel. As cruel as 6/7 yr olds who don't understand can be of course.

Thank you everyone for your input. I am going to have a casual talk with DD1 about how she feels about being asked by school staff to help with her sister and I am having zero tolerance for teasing and goading of DD2.

The fact she isn't aware of it is neither here nor there. DD1 knows they're being a bit mean and so do these children.

Thanks again.

whilst theoretically I agree with zzz, if you are concerned about the way dd1 is including dd2 in her home games... I wonder if it is

if it is going so well at school.

I don't really talk about DD2's issues with other parents at the school. I am of the opinion that it's only the business of the people directly involved in her care plan who need to know anything.
Perhaps I need to explain a bit these children's parents?
That said, it's been rather obvious since preschool that something is "up" with her.
I affectionately call DD2 my "crazy kid" and laugh with her when she "performs" for us. It's a way of enjoying her uniqueness but maybe we shouldn't do this around DD1. She probably can't tell the difference between this and the more spiteful way her friends laugh.