How do I handle other children's reactions?

[PoshCat]

DD2 is 5 now and it's pretty obvious she doesn't communicate and behave anything like her NT peers. We are very close to a potential ASD diagnosis.

In the meantime I am struggling with children's reactions to her. Her elder sister is sweet, helpful and kind to her in general but at school and when we have her friends over things are not so good.

I've overheard her friends laughing and copying DD2's babbling and attempts to say words. They ask her to repeat something over and over and find it hilarious. DD1 joins in with her friends.

So far I've been telling them they are not being very kind and DD2 tries very hard to say words properly. DD2 wants to be around them and is oblivious to the teasing. It's good for her to be around other children but I hate the teasing and the older kids telling her she's weird and acts like a baby.

DD1 is basically a kind girl who adores her little sister.

Am I overreacting since they're so young, 6-8 yrs?

Feeling very emotional, tense and self conscious and with the ASD assessment next week I am probably being over sensitive. After all, DD2 has to live in the real world and I can't protect her from other peoples behaviour.

Parental attitudes are helped if they understand what's going on. Childrens attitudes are helped if they are getting help understanding difference and special needs at home.

If instead of saying "being defined as the autistic kid isn't a huge improvement on the naughty kid IMO." you had said "being defined as the child with autism isn't a huge improvement of being defined as the kid with the squint" I wouldn't have taken umbrage. As you so rightly say neither having a squint or autism should have negative connotations. "the naughty kid" does.

There is no need for someone to know the balance of my bank account, it does't impact on there interaction with me in the slightest. BUT if DS's autism needs people to talk slower be more patient not be surprised if he suddenly asks you a decidedly odd question it's not inconceivable that it would help if they knew the reason why

Posh cat - I'm really sorry your original thread has fallen off the rails somewhat.

I think everyone agrees that children are never too young to have some kind of understanding and acceptance of special needs and to be corrected when they don't show it.

Regardless I think you explanantion "that DD2 has difficulties with talking and understanding and it helps to be patient and kind around her and that it is cruel to tease anyone about things they struggle with." Is super and is what I would have offered prior to diagnosis.

For me when DS had he's diagnosis I would have added that he has autism and this affects the way he experiences the world and other people so he may need you to be extra patient.

What zzzzz said^

I find it worrying that you seem to be implying that you don't want your children described as 'naughty' when there's a medical explanation but it's fine for 'badly behaved' children to be described in that way

No child is inherently bad, 'naughty' behaviour is always a manifestation of other issues: whether they be SN, a less than ideal home-life, MH issues, lack of boundaries enforced by parents, a medical condition causing pain, etc.

There is always a reason and suggesting your SN children are somehow deserving of a different title but it's alright for those other children who really are 'just naughty' is awful, really awful.

No child should be judged on their behaviour, whether they have a dx or not they deserve for the adults around them to see past their behaviour and support the child as best as possible.

Bollocks. All children are naughty, both the SN and neurotypical kids, it's not always the manifestation of SN or other issues.

eg Running the wrong way up the slide is naughty but kids do it, it's not the manifestation of underlying issues.

I'm not saying in any way I like the term naughty, but IME the naughty child tends to be applied to the child whose behaviour is unchecked, who is effectively allowed to be naughty by the people around them. Parents use the term as a way of protecting their child from the effects of the behaviour. Yes this indicates a failure on all levels of the adults around the child.

Eg I really wouldn't want my child spending vast amounts of time wit "the naughty child" who is constantly running up the slide the wrong way, in case they start normalising the behaviour. you can't say no it not ok for you to run the wrong way up the slide but yes it is ok for them, without a reason it's simply not fair. Yes it is the Failure of the adults to stop "the naughty child" running up the slide. but it is the "naughty child" who ends up isolated who bears the brunt

Parents tell you there is a reason for the child running up the slide you look at it differently, you watch and see them trying to teach but get that it's going to take longing for the child to learn. you look at the child differently, you sit down and have a chat about difference, they look at the child differently. everyone is better educated to be accepting

The benefit for other children is that they understand you hold the same expectations of both children (ie they don't run up the slide). It Child's view it's fair. The child also understand why they would immediately get in trouble for it but that the approach may be different for the special needs child.

Frivilous example but actually the same applies for the child that touches strangers bum when they go past (followed by the frantic mum running along behind) or the one that simply ignores you or one that replies to your questions 5 mins later

But I think actually we are arguing the same point, It just I think its far easier for people to see beyond a diagnosis if they have the reason why.

But how on earth do you know 'naughty child' isn't running the wrong way up the slide because of undiagnosed SN?

Plenty of ds1's friends mothers have obviously decided 'I really wouldn't want my child spending vast amounts of time with "the naughty child" [ds1], in case they start normalising the behaviour' He never gets invited to friends houses because parents think the 'naughty' is going to rub off on their little darlings (who funnily enough are terrors when their mothers aren't around so no danger of them learning anything from ds1)

Why on earth should I feel obligated to explain his dx to them? Why should I have to? And why would his dx excuse him but it's 'naughty' when an NT child does it? It's the same behaviour, the same lack of restraint causing it... yes the root cause may be different but it's not the child's fault either way... whether it's bad parenting or SN it's still behaviour that the child struggles with and shouldn't be vilified for.

[bangs heads] because NO child should be running up the slide the wrong way, whether they have special needs or not, whether the special needs is diagnosed or not.

But some children will need more support to get there and take longer.

No reason at all that you should have to disclose your childs diagnosis, anymore that somebody should have to put up with behaviour they don't find acceptable. There's the catch.

Can't you see that by not disclosing the diagnosis all they are ever going to see is your child's naughty behaviour? For them there simply is no why. That's your secret

But if they can see you dealing with unacceptable behaviour and understand why the issue is there they are going to be far more accepting of your child.

not for my son who, having seen the child going up it then can't go down and is stranded stuck at the top of the slide [face palm moment]

Ps my son finds a number of socially unacceptable behaviours fun, doesn't mean he should do them out of the confines of his own bedroom

oh god I could go on on this amusing track for hours

People see me dealing with unacceptable behaviour, probably more so than any other parents. They don't need a 'why', in fact I think in many cases giving the dx is just further ammunition, seen as an excuse not to deal with the situation.

And let him run up the slide fgs, life's to short for nonsense rules like that. as long as no one is on the way down running up is fine, part of the sensory experience in fact. Stop standing around making judgements about why the other child is running up it and instead help them to both enjoy the equipment whatever way they want, whether that be taking turns running up, sliding down or a mixture of both.

rights and wrongs of running up slides is a whole other thread. it was an analogy, substitute it for something you find unacceptable.

a dx is not an excuse for bad behaviour either.

never been concerned with the opinions of others. But that's not really the point

You're lucky Paperlantern.
Wish I didn't care so much. It's quite early days for us. DD2 more or less blended in a couple of years ago.
Now it's blatantly obvious something is wrong.

Posh, sorry for derailing your thread.

Based on what you've said above about dd2s own classmates being accepting and kind I think a first step should be to tell dd1 to let dd2 play with her own classmates at break from now on. Speak to the school and explain the situation and ask them to keep an eye on the situation and steer dd2 towards her own classmates and to give the older ones a talk on being kind.

At home you need to come down hard on any nasty behaviour, make it clear to visiting children they will be sent home and not invited back if there is any unkind behaviour.

And ask the school to stop using dd1 as a carer, they're too close in age for that. Our school occasionally use dd to help with ds2 but there's a 4 year gap and dd has enough understanding to know how to deal with ds2, yours is a different situation and its negatively affecting both children so needs to stop

My feelings exactly. Those who need to know do know, it's no-one else's business and would not improve ds1s life to have it shared around the village. Time enough for that when he understands his dx himself and can respond to comments when I'm not there.

Ds2 is a different matter, his speech issues are very obvious and the other parents know the struggle I had with him in playschool. I don't speak about his dx or his referral to CAMHS but they know he has extra support in school.

It all depends on the child and their presentation, not sharing a dx doesn't indicate shame, it just means I as the parent do not feel it is in ds1s best interests to tell people.

Just wanted to confirm also that not making DD2's (probable) diagnosis public knowledge has nothing to do with shame or embarrassment.

I am very happy to inform those people whom it concerns as it's of benefit to them and DD2.

Am sure everyone who comes into contact with DD2 is well aware that she has developmental issues. That doesn't make me ashamed. It's just how it is.

What I don't want is for her to be defined as "the autistic one".

Thank you Summer rain. Some excellent advice. I agree that the age gap between my children (19 months) is too small to expect the eldest to take on a caring role.

I am grateful that DD2 has a lovely set of classmates. The majority have known her since preschool and they are completely accepting of her quirks and problems with language.
They try to understand her, are as patient as 5/6 yr olds can be and some of them on failing to work out what she wants will bring her PECS over and ask her to show them.

Am going to encourage DD1 to focus on her own friends whilst keeping an eye out for her little sister.

^This. I can quite believe that many 8 year olds are not innately able to react kindly to "difference" but they are certainly of an age where they can be expected to learn very, very quickly^ what is acceptable and what not. I think you'd not be unreasonable to mention to their parents that you've had to have a word, and why, either.