How do I handle other children's reactions?

[PoshCat]

DD2 is 5 now and it's pretty obvious she doesn't communicate and behave anything like her NT peers. We are very close to a potential ASD diagnosis.

In the meantime I am struggling with children's reactions to her. Her elder sister is sweet, helpful and kind to her in general but at school and when we have her friends over things are not so good.

I've overheard her friends laughing and copying DD2's babbling and attempts to say words. They ask her to repeat something over and over and find it hilarious. DD1 joins in with her friends.

So far I've been telling them they are not being very kind and DD2 tries very hard to say words properly. DD2 wants to be around them and is oblivious to the teasing. It's good for her to be around other children but I hate the teasing and the older kids telling her she's weird and acts like a baby.

DD1 is basically a kind girl who adores her little sister.

Am I overreacting since they're so young, 6-8 yrs?

Feeling very emotional, tense and self conscious and with the ASD assessment next week I am probably being over sensitive. After all, DD2 has to live in the real world and I can't protect her from other peoples behaviour.

Actually ignore the last bit of my previous post. It's bullshit. DD1 does know the difference. These children know the difference.

PoshCat, I know how hard all this is, and I also do the thing of laughing with my DD to acknowledge her wee ways - and it's not put on, she makes me laugh like no-one else . I have always tried to make clear to my DS (6, NT) that I am laughing with her, never at her. I have a boy and a girl and have no time for gender stereo-types etc, so I hope I don't offend anybody by saying this; but having experience of friends' DDs at similar age, I do think NT girls seem to be much more socially more advanced etc than boys at this age. So I can see how hard it must be for your DD1 (who sounds just lovely) to deal with wanting to help her younger sister, and to feel that she is fitting in with her own peers.

I think the school needs to step up here. DD (4) started YR equivalent 3 weeks ago. I had a quick chat with the TA yesterday, and she said that my DS is such a good brother to DD. He goes over at break-time to say hello to DD. She then wants to play with him. The TA told me that they let them have a minute together, and then tell DD that DS is going to play football with his friends. This is great from my perspective - I am delighted that DS is looking out for her, but I really appreciate the fact that the school is actively making sure that DS isn't being involved in DD's play or supervision. And this isn't something that we had discussed beforehand; the school just did it.
Have you applied for statement yet? When my DD was at pre-school, her key worker really emphasised to me that DD could be vulnerable at break/lunch-times - she also likes to make the other children laugh, but would have no idea when she is being laughed at. Tights half down when she comes back from the toilet is also familiar. She is going to have supervisory provision written into her statement, which is being finalised at the moment.
Good luck for next week. I remember what a horrible time it was just before the dx appointment. A no-man's land of uncertainty and fear ; going between hope that they were going to say no, she's fine; and the on the other hand, the terror that they were going to say yes.
Look after yourself this week, and thinking of you and your DDs

I've always told as many people as possible about ds1's asd because I don't think I can expect them to be understanding if they don't have all the facts. I appreciate you haven't got a dx yet, but even telling people you are nearing one really does help.

The siblings course really emphasized to my twins that ds1 is not like everybody else, he sees the world in an entirely different way and we have different expectations with him. He is not an ordinary boy behaving in a silly or naughty or offensive or ridiculous way ---and that is very often what the rest of the world sees if they don't have the facts.

I would be straight into school tbh:

teachers need to be told that dd2 is being teased whether that includes dd1 or not-it needs dealing with, irrespective of if she understands it, because it would be dealt with if it happened to anyone else-I would also give them my express permission to explain what asd is and that dd2 probably has it.
The school also needs to deal with your dd1 being used as an extra member of staff-totally out of order.

I don't think being discrete about your dd2's issues is being fair to her and her right to being accepted for who she is.

I'm also sorry you're struggling with this, I think it's often more difficult when it's the younger sibling who has asd. There has been much less expectation that my twins would help ds1 (even though they do every day) and it's ds1 was already established as an accepted part of the school when they started.

Sorry if I sounded harsh-I really do feel for you.

I'm of the school of thought of it being good to tell other parents. inclusive-ness and understanding is a skill that needs teaching.

generally I've found people are far more understanding if they know and see you involved in sorting problems.

and if they're not, you have a shortcut for knowing who to avoid

I don't want to disclose details of a diagnosis (not that DD2 has one yet) as it is only relevant to those involved with her education and support. I will of course be informing the teaching staff and SENCO of the outcome of the ASD assessment next week.

Surely all the children need to know is that DD2 has difficulties with talking and understanding and it helps to be patient and kind around her and that it is cruel to tease anyone about things they struggle with.
Whilst accepting DD has probably got an ASD, I don't want her to be defined by it.
Does that seem reasonable? I may change my mind but at the moment I don't want anyone who doesn't need or deserve to know to know if that makes sense?

I think at a similar stage I offered the same explanation.

explanations were more necessary as he was getting frustrated and lashing out (something everyone was working intensively on)

the argument about openness with labels is vociferous on both sides. I'm very much on the more people who know the better. ill explain why

For ds it was better to be defined by the special needs than the symptoms of it (the naughty kid, the weird kid).

autism does not define ds' character or limit my expectations of him. but by definition it does define ds' experience of the world and therefore the rest of the worlds experience of him.

We seek diagnosis (a label) to better understand that difference and provide support. for me the same applies to anyone you encounter.

it's also an interesting point you mention about education.

we automatically assume that we share labels to improve teachers ability to teach but often we are reluctant to share information with other parents.

yet they have a massive role in their children's social education. This area where are own children need so much patience and understanding in order to learn.

ok at the risk of a bun fight. no of course no one should need a diagnosis to be nice to a child. but tbh I expect a little more of people than that.

However it often helps others to provide the right support to enable your child to join in. at the developmental stage the op talks about ds needed people (children) to talk simply and clearly to him, they/children needed interminable patience while his helpers/me supported him learn stuff like basic turn taking. These are all things that ds needed from his peers that were beyond his friends simply being kind.

being inclusive goes beyond simply being nice to someone, it's about supportive enough as a group that everyone can interact on as near as equal level as they can.

and yes to do this the group needs to be aware of needs. labels provide a useful short hand.

Speech and language difficulties- my child may not always understand yours be patient when you communicate.
autism- you probably haven't much of a clue what that really means but you may need to be a little more tolerant of what you don't understand.

In my experience, generally in life the more open and honest you are the more open and accepting others are with you.

autism isn't something to be ashamed of and hidden; and in many cases can't be anyway. I'd much rather ds be the autistic kid than the naughty or weird kid.

I'm confused now. I agree with zzzz and paperlantern. ??

posh cat because there's and element of truth in both. better provision is provided by identifying individual needs. but people are generally more tolerant if they understand there's a need to be.

except that it's a bad to be the autistic kid as the naughty kid. that is ignorant bollocks.

"being defined as the autistic kid isn't a huge improvement on the naughty kid IMO."

no I really can't find words to express the rage associated with autism being as bad naughty. nor to I really want to it's an ignorant comment.

I know how you feel op, i experienced this firsthand last week for the 1st time
I was in the playground in the morning before children went in, my dd5 (suspected asd) was running and being playful when these two girls said "we don't like her, she's naughty, we should stay away". They ran off and i was unsure of who's children they were but if i had have know i would have had a stern word with their parents.

Imho, it all begins at home and how a child is bought up to percieve those with differences. Nearly almost always these comments and prejudice are caused by bad parenting. I bought up my dc to have respect for all children no matter what disabilty, colour of sn they have they musn't stare or comment. Shame others oppose different views upon their dc

Paper, what you're failing to grasp from zzzzz's point is that the 'naughty child's nearly always has a valid reason for their behaviour, just as much so as the 'autistic child'.

both labels are nasty, derogatory and serve no purpose other than to differentiate and reduce the child to a label.

Ds1 and his friend are 'the naughty boys' in their class. They both have dx of SN. How would it improve anything for them to be labelled the 'adhd boy's or the 'sn boys'? It wouldn't. It's still just a label that serves to highlight their differences in a negative light.

It's hard for me to relate to the "naughty child" label. DD2 is still very young, turned 5 last month and has never been "difficult" to manage. She is mostly placid, oblivious to other children and becomes tearful and upset rather than aggressive when routines and events change unexpectedly.

No one could label her as"naughty" but having worked in a school last term as a lunchtime supervisor I can say that the children deemed naughty and/or difficult had a history of social or behavioural problems.

And zzzz, you are so right about schools having little confidentiality regarding personal issues regarding pupils.

I was told directly from some of the teachers information I had no need to know that was strictly private and involved social services.

I'm sorry but autistic is not a derogatory term.

Yes I understand some people taking issue with the whole autistic. But you would take issue with the descriptions of an intelligent child or a child with intelligence. My child may have intelligence but isn't defined by his intelligence.

If you don't consider autism to be a negative it's exactly the same. DS' autism is just another facet of who he is.

Autism in all it's derivations SHOULD NOT be considered derogatory, naughty is genuinely considered a derogatory term. the two should not be compared

Without doubt at mainstream nursery DS behaviour SHOULD have labelled him as a naughty child. Because his diagnosis, difficulties and what we were doing about them were never a secret, he never was. This was brilliant for him, his sister (who was at the same nursery) and peoples attitudes to me and our family as a whole. Incidentally the whole community approach did wonders for "resolving" the "naughty' behaviours.

If a child is being dubbed as naughty by someone who knows they have a diagnosis then that person is an arse. If it is by someone who doesn't know the diagnosis well to a certain extent that is human nature, they see the behaviour not the reason why.

It is inconceivable to me why anyone would not be open with a diagnosis. But perhaps this is one of the reasons why I have rarely encountered bad attitudes to DS and never in anyone who has known his diagnosis. I treat adult and child as if they have the capability to understand that people are different and that they might have a better chance of giving what DS if they have a broad brush understanding of his difficulties.

For me DSs autism has never been something that needed concealling