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Original poster

Upset by family - please help

59 replies

Pages · 10/06/2006 16:23

Hi everyone

Yet again I am jumping on here after a long absence because am feeling upset which makes me feel like I am just being a bit of a taker but I promise to spend more time on here and help you all out too. Life is just so hectic, I can't ever seem to catch up with myself.

I have just had a huge row with my brother (who has 2 NT kids) which has culminated in him slamming the phone down on me. My mum told me some time ago that my SIL found it hard to be around me because of DS1's SN. I was very hurt by that at the time but felt my mum would not wish me to confront my SIL so have sat on it feeling upset for about a year.

My brother (A) earlier in the week tried to organise a family day with my mum, sister (who has no kids) and other brother (B). Brother A, when he heard my other brother B (who also has 2 NT kids) wasn't coming his response was "what's the point in going at all if x and x aren't going to be there running around with my kids". He was referring to my brother's 2 NT children. I was extremely hurt by this because my kids were going to be there, and this seemed irrelevant to him. DS1 can indeed run around now although DS2 is only 10 months. We had an argument about what we should do instead, he shouted at me and I said I wasn't going and that was the end.

This morning brother A's wife (the one who made the comment)emailed my other SIL (who is lovely)and tried to persuade her to go on the day out for the kids' sakes. My SIL loyally emailed back and said she wasn't going if my kids werent' going to be there - it was about all of the children not just hers and x and x. I was really upset about this - she hadn't tried to persuade me to go, only my SIL.

My brother in the meantime phoned me to apologise for our row about the venue and I ended up telling him that my kids (who are also his kids' cousins) are obviously completely irrelevant as far as he is concerned. He said that wasn't true and I quoted what he had said the day before and ended up telling him what my mum had told me. He has again yelled at me, accusing me of making up something about my mum and his wife.

I am now really worried it will cause a rift between me and my mum. I feel I don't even care about my brother but I do care about my mum being upset with me for repeating this. But my DH thinks I had a right to repeat it and is surprised I have sat on it all this time and not told anyone including him (DH). I hadn't told DH previously because I didn't want to hurt him but DH is now also very upset and thinks that that if my SIL thinks that about DS1 everyone must do.

Have a been a complete stirrer? I feel very badly about this.

OP posts:
Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 10/06/2006 16:28

NO you haven't been a stirrer- your family sound like absolute arses. Your SIL needs to grow up, your borther A nneds to value all his nephews/nieces equally.

Your other SIL sounds lovely. Honestly we don't bother with anyone who is uncomfortable around ds1 - family or not.

I feel for you, and I would try to stay out of a row, but you haven't done anything wrong, they have been incredibly hurtful.

Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 10/06/2006 16:28

NO you haven't been a stirrer- your family sound like absolute arses. Your SIL needs to grow up, your borther A nneds to value all his nephews/nieces equally.

Your other SIL sounds lovely. Honestly we don't bother with anyone who is uncomfortable around ds1 - family or not.

I feel for you, and I would try to stay out of a row, but you haven't done anything wrong, they have been incredibly hurtful.

coppertop · 10/06/2006 16:56

You certainly have NOT been a stirrer! If the horrible SIL didn't want people to know what she'd said then she shouldn't have bloody said it in the first place.

The nice SIL seems to have far more sense of family and family loyalty than brother A.

It's good to see you back on MN, Pages. xx

Davros · 10/06/2006 19:23

I think you've behaved perfectly well and can totally understand you being upset. Often when I'm really upset about something I don't tell anyone for ages, including DH, and I'm a big mouth! Thank gawd for the nice SIL. I would speak to your mum and explain what happened and that you may have said something out of turn but why etc. Tell her your version (the true version) before she hears something else.
Cheer up and sod them!

Original poster
Pages · 10/06/2006 20:26

Thank you so much all of you. I have left a message for my mum saying sorry and explaining a bit about how it happened. I have also phoned my sister who said that she would have found it very difficult not to say anything to my SIL and she can't imagine why my SIl feels uncomfortable around DS1, as noone else in the family feels that way. She is seeing my mum tomorrow and is going to put my side across if my mum doesn't contact me.

My brother hung up on me because of something hurtful that his wife had said. I never thought I would ever disassociate myself from a member of my family but I agree with you JakB - it's time to accept that you can't expect support from everyone. Somehow having a child with SN really shows you who are your true friends/family members. I think it has been said on here before.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2006 20:57

Hey Pages

Nice to see you back on here again although in family circumstances that are not ideal.

Feel both angry on your behalf and embarrassed for them. That SIL of your (the nasty one) is a right twat whose in denial.

You are not a stirrer and your family members need their heads knocking together frankly. They're supposed to be adults for goodness sake!!.

If SIL finds its hard to be around your son because of his special needs (ahh diddums I say to her in a sarcastic emoticon) then she needs to get over herself and get a life frankly.

Speak to your Mum; none of this should cause any rift between your good self and her.

My best wishes to you and your family - will send you a postcard from our hols in August. We're going to Hawaii - figured that would be far enough to get away from the rellies!!!.

Original poster
Pages · 10/06/2006 21:17

Thanks Meerkats - are your rellies a nightmare too?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2006 21:20

My parents are unsupportive and base their lives around my childfree brother,housework and shopping.

Outlaws would make a good case study for Raj Persaud!. Nuff said!!

Meerkats x

Original poster
Pages · 10/06/2006 22:15

Poor you, Meerkats. I guess family support was something I took for granted until now.

I have to say I have and DH has found it hard meeting up with brother A and his kids in the last 3 years because one of his NT children is the same age as DS1 and is a constant reminder to me of what DS1 could have been/achieved. Does that make me as bad as him/his wife? I thought I had just reason to find it difficult because my child has SN and there's doesn't. Am I right in thinking that? Surely it is they who should be "bigger" about all of this beacuse they don't have the child with problems. I know that before I had DS1 I never found disability something to shy away from, and if it were the other way round I am sure I would have spent the last 3 years going all out to make my SIL and her child feel welcome and loved.

OP posts:
Davros · 11/06/2006 09:19

Pages, I think all your feelings and problems are perfectly understandable and I agree with your last post totally. I think you have to mentally move on, be pleasant to your brother and SIL and just do what you and the rest of the family want. Don't accommodate them but don't ignore them. My family are all lovely but NONE of them ever spends time with DS, we are not really welcome in their homes with him (we find it too stressful anyway) and we just accept it. Accept it or go mad! The way we operate is that me, DH, DS and DD and the family unit, we do things when and how we want in our strange way. Most of the time it doesn't bother any of them and they're not aware of it but sometimes we just say we're not doing X or Y because of DS and we won't make any attempt to rush around organising things so we can do something with them. We've had one holiday in 9 years. A couple of years ago we asked DH's sister and her husband to come with us to help us out, and for fun and company, we were even going to pay and they said "no". So we couldn't go. We're perfectly friendly but I haven't forgotten it! Mind you, we're both quite old (46 and 48) so we only have one parent between us who is elderly.

Davros · 11/06/2006 09:20

... me, DH, DS and DD ARE the family unit

Original poster
Pages · 11/06/2006 09:29

Thank you Davros. That makes a lot of sense. I am so sorry that you have not had as much support as you would have liked. Your DH sounds great though. Mine is deeply upset about all of this and is at the moment saying he never wants to see my brother and his wife again.

I just wondered if you had tried getting a non-family member to go on holiday with you and paying for them - we have just asked DS1's keyworker at nursery and as she is single, doesn't always have much money and doesn't always have people to go away with she is totally up for it and thinks it will be a nice holiday for her. I have to say it is a bonus that she loves both DS1 and 2 and is fantastic with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pages · 11/06/2006 09:30

PS you are not old! I am 42 and DH is 43.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 11/06/2006 09:32

what an awful situation .. if I were you I'd tell your mother what you've said .. tell her you don't know why but you just blurted it out and you're sorry

let her be pre-warned

Twiglett · 11/06/2006 09:34

oops sorry .. should read thread first

Original poster
Pages · 11/06/2006 21:17

I am at the end of my rope. My mum has sent me a text quoting Rudyard Kipling saying "if you can bear the truth you have spoken to be twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools". So I am a knave????

I am sick to the back teeth of my so called family. I remember perfectly well what she told me and how much it hurt. On top of all the pain of DS1's problems, why is this happening?

OP posts:
Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 11/06/2006 22:09

Good God Pages does your mother always communicate with you like that. I'd twist myself in knots trying to understand how it applied to my situation.

A I said earlier, in our house its simple, if people cannot accept ds1 make allowances etc then they are out. Life is too stressful for it to be any other way. As Davros said we're still polite, we just don't put ourselves out.

Your mum sounds like she's feeling guilty for having told you about your SIL's comments - when really she shouldn't have. Whichever way you look at them they're pretty inexcusable, and she probably knows that she dropped your SIL and brother right in it (not that they don't deserve it).

Did you respond to the text, I'd just ignore it I think.

Original poster
Pages · 11/06/2006 22:41

Ha ha Jimjams, you've made me laugh for the first time in 3 days. No she doesn't always communicate like that but it's her favourite poem - she's a bit of a martyr. I think you are right. And I do remember at the time wondering why she had told me something so hurtful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pages · 11/06/2006 22:43

By that I mean ,yes she must be feeling guilty.

OP posts:
Davros · 12/06/2006 11:17

Pages Shock I agree, ignore the text. It is a hurtful and difficult phase to go through but you will go through it and feel better afterwards.
Yes, we have thought of taking a non-family member on holiday, that is why we managed to have our one and only holiday in 9 years, we had the perfect person to go with us. SIL and BIL would have worked out well, but once they said "no", that was it, I'd never ask them again. I can't just ask anyone who is non-family to come with us. There are a couple of people who help us out regularly but we don't want to spend our holiday with them, it has to be the RIGHT person. So this year DS is going to respite for 5 nights (I hope) and we are taking DD away with us. I wouldn't do it if I didn't think he'd be happy and safe so I have spent the last year and a half working on getting this set up, now it is coming to fruitation (to quote Glenn Hoddle!).

Original poster
Pages · 12/06/2006 16:40

That's brilliant Davros - enjoy your holiday, you deserve it.

Maybe I did the wrong thing but I did text back (before both yours and Jimjams advice) simply to say that I know my own truths. Bit of a long story but my mum has consistently told me black is white all my life, which is why I always need so much reassurance (she told me when my dad died that I never loved him and so I didn't think I had any right to grieve - it all came out in a very bad way about 5 years later. He wasn't the best dad or husband by the way but I did love him).

Now I have just got to work on actually knowing my own truths and not just saying it!

Thanks for your help all of you.

OP posts:
Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 12/06/2006 19:25

I'm glad I made you laugh :) I hope it all gets sorted. The only truth you need to remember is that you love your son and that he has as much value as any NT child!

That's very soppy for me, but I received ds1's school report today and the lovely rhing that shines out from it is that they value him (without downplaying his difficulties at all), dso I'm feeling a bit gushy!

Davros · 12/06/2006 20:02

Gush away Jimjams, great to hear about DS's report. Pages, sounds like there's a few issues with your mum actually????

Original poster
Pages · 12/06/2006 20:09

Yeah, probably more than a few. But not easy to address them without more rows, so perhaps all best left alone.

Great news about the report Jimjams - sounds like he's loved by many, not just you.

OP posts:
Cappucino · 12/06/2006 20:39

you're not the knave, they are

it's saying that if you can cope with idiots twisting your words and not get het up by it you're very mature etc

and they're not

it's a nice thing from your mum

I'd go into it further but I'm having a Grolsch moment