Coping stratergies , I feel like running

[crazydrunkevilhamster]

I'm new to the SN boards so hiya

Ds 4.5 has suspected ASD/ADHD/OCD

I need some short term coping stratergies , as I keep losing it & its not doing either of us any good , he has pushed me to the edge this weekend & im struggling to think how im going to cope for the rest of the day, it doesn't help that I've not slept all weekend & nor has Ds

No advice I'm afraid, just marking my place as really needing help myself!

You're definitely not alone, if that helps at all.

Thanks kinky glad to know im not alone

One of the things that works for me is getting out of the house. It can be hard to actually do it though.

When Dd3 used to get up really early we used to go to the park really early when it was empty.

One of her most favourite things to do [still is actually] was to go to the stream, sail her boats and ducks, jump up and down in the water and generally get soaked.

I try to get out every day and have found going out in the middle of the day with a bag of sandwiches really breaks up the day.

Keep coming on here,its a great place for support.

Also try to join a support group if you can.

Good luck

I really struggle to go anywhere with Ds due to his behaviour & he is a runner , if this wasn't the case I would be out everyday

Hmmm, yes I do understand. I used to put Dd3's riens on before unlocking the door and the parks we went to all had gates on, I used to keep myself between her and the gate at all times and because we went early it was much easier than when it was busy.

The same with soft play in bad weather when we couldnt go to the park. We used to get there at opening time and stay an hour or until it started to fill up.

I really do know how hard it is but I think if you can find a way to get out it could keep you sane.

If he is too big for riens try a little life backpack, he could carry a favourite toy in it to encourage him to wear it. Either that or if he still fits in a buggy take him in that. If he doesnt, ask your paediatrician or other professional about getting a maclaren major.

Hmmm. I used to set myself little things like 'just get to x o'clock and sort of do the day incrementally that way it seems less of a mountain.

When Flyingboy went through his legging it stage a threatened him with the baby reins. He was shown them. I think I used them once and thereafter I kept them in my pocket and would just jiggle them menacingly. It made him stick near. I used to do things like go in the car to the egg place (free range farm selling eggs) which took 15 mins there, 25 mins running around saying hello to hens and 15 mins back just to do something.

Tis hell. Remember it well. It does get better. Soft play place?

Bath, sit him in and he plays with stuff? Used to waste an hour. Bucket in garden with 'things that need washing' eg plant pots or plastic tubs. Getting him to run in the garden while you do race commentary and time him. Dribbling a ball round things. Build a tent out of an old sheet and chairs and get him to hide, you can do loads of pretent stuff with this.

Unfortunately it all takes interraction which is easier said than done especially when knackered but the more interraction you do, the better they are and then you might be able to buy youself some time while he's watching a dvd. Oh, baking, bread, kneading. Or salt dough??

Flyingboy, aged 18, is at a loose end cause he's not feeling well and everything I suggest is falling on deaf ears. The old fail safe of baking a cake is going to have to happen...

Oh you poor thing. I know how you feel. Dh has just taken DS (being assessed for possible autism and/or sensory issues in sept) to his dad as I've just lost it with him. He's been on and off today - we have a new strategy which seems to be working (until monster mummy loses the plot and the hard work goes down to drain ) which is to ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good. So if he doesn't do as he's told, is rude, aggressive, back chatting etc, I ignore him (warn him what I'm going to do) until he speaks nicely to me. Yesterday it worked a dream - he took my compact mirror in an attempt to wind me up - it's very precious to me but I ignored him, didn't react, didn't even speak to him. Within 2 minutes his tone had changed and he gave it back, for which he was praised and given a sticker.

It doesn't work all the time (especially when said child wouldn't get dressed so was put in car screaming with just his pj top on - nothing else - he did then dress in the car) but its worth a go. You are definitely not alone.

For me, and I'm not sure whether I'm alone in this, but I feel such a bad mum at times - because there is something wrong and I didn't see it.

I have a little life back pack which I use when I go anywhere or if he is really bad I use his pram

He can't cope with Soft play,won't do tasks even when I turn them in to a game.
When I say he is a runner , I mean it as in Forrest Gump style he won't stop for anything & the speed he can move at is ridiculous , oh & the parks with the little fences round he can jump it in 0.2 seconds .
I know it sounds like im making excuses but it is just to hard taking him out as he kicks off or has a meltdown

Do you have a garden op? My dd has suspected adhd, amongst other things, and we have just bought her a trampoline with enclosure. I can honestly say its been the best thing we have ever bought her. Today she has been on there for about 4 hours and it generally tires her out. We zip her in the enclosure so she can't fall off and she does somersaults, head stands etc. in fact she is still out there on it now and I really should be bathing her!
I know how hard work it is, somedays I have felt like I can't cope any more. Good luck x

We are hoping to get him a trampoline this summer as I have a huge garden , the only thing is though Ds has a grass allergy which brings him out in an immediate rash which causes him to panic .
Oh n he can't stand dirt/bugs so its pretty much a no go area for him

Sorry

tigersmummy don't feel bad, I couldn't see it either til my son was nearly 5 and then it took another 9 months for diagnosis. Keep moving forward :-). OP this may not be much help but I can honestly say 3.5 to 4.5 was like hell on earth and I had visions of it always being ht way. Son s just 6 and things are much much better, still challenging but not totally hellish.

Why is 3.5 to 4.5 the difficult part... someone else mentioned this too (we are just at this stage) and that tantrums changed for them age 5-6 but I was just wondering why/how etc.

I think it could be because they are trying to develop their independence. They know what they want to do and just go for it, they are unable to consider the consquences of their actions and often dont want to respond to "no or stop"

Dd3 finally stopped running off when she was around 6 although it took me a lot longer to trust her.

We use lots of visual stuff to help with rules.

It is exhausting, I hope you manage to get your trampoline crazy, ours is great for Dd3 to burn off excess energy.

Good luck

Thanks INMP

Is it also because of their delayed development, so really they are as difficult as an 18 month old but in the body of a 4 year old and being expected to cope in typical 4 year old situations?

For me the running off/ meltdowns etc were the worst. I have all the patience in the world for learning difficulties and communication difficulties but the behavioural aspects were terrifying. I think I am still 'damaged' in a way, things are improving but it will be a ong time before I feel 'safer' in situations where he could run.

It does get better, I promise. Ds1 was a runner too, still can be but he's slowly developing some self control. I still lose him on a regular basis, was paying for shopping yesterday and he vanished but he doesn't go as far now. He seems to have grasped the concept of staying in the same building at least

He's almost 7 and I'm starting to be able to reason with him. He's logic based (the ASD showing through the ADHD) and I've found being quite blunt can work. Rather than 'don't run off' I'll say 'i you run across the road a car could hit you and it would hurt, it could kill you'.... Sounds harsh but he seems to retain stuff better if I'm quite graphic about the consequences.

It doesnt sound harsh if it could save his life summer

it would be too much language for Dd3 though she would have switched of after " I... you run..." So I am more the sergeant major type, I would say "STAND STILL" or "DONT MOVE" in a very clear firm voice.

Dd3 has gone the opposite way now and she never moves from me and is usually dangling on me

You just cant win

Their is NO reasoning with my Ds , even bribery doesn't work

As for explaining the consequences of running in to the road etc he just doesn't get it no matter how blunt I am with him .
He is a thrill seeker , I took him to the fair the other week & we ended up spending 2 hours on the Waltzers & he would quite happily still be sat on them now

sympathy. get to a paediatrician and beg for drugs to help him sleep. We used drugs for a short time and it really took the edge off it and seemed to get him into a better pattern overall.

on a better nights sleep everything else seemed copeable with.

I don't see a pediatrician again until September & they won't see me any earlier than that

Hello, another vote for a trampoline as it really helps burn off some energy. You mentioned your DS has a grass allergy so would a trampoline tent help at all? Or even one of those mini trampolines for indoors?
As for parks we have a list of parks that are properly enclosed so we don't have to worry about our DS running off and also try to go early before the masses descend upon them.
Or how about a bike? We have a regular bike for our son but have attached a parent handle so that we can keep hold of it (he can ride at a fair old pace so we get a great workout running along with him!)
We have also recently bought a cement mixing tray that builders use (sometimes called a TuffSpot) which he likes to sit in with a container full of lentils! The TuffSpot basically contains most of the mess and he will happily play with the lentils, pouring them, burying trains in them etc for quite a while. You can do all sorts of messy play in the tray.
As for the running off, I think it is something which should improve with time. We still have to hold our son's hand almost all the time but he will now stop (momentarily) when we ask him to. We always praise him when he is walking nicely with us and even give him the occasional sweet for doing so and if he does stop when asked he gets tons of praise.
Could you practise getting your DS to stop on demand in your garden? Make it a sort of game, so first get him to run and then shout stop and reward him when he does (you may well need someone else there when you start this to physically prompt him to stop until he gets the idea).

What!! Even if you are desperate crazy!! That is bonkers. I think you should ring them and tell them you are absolutely desperate and tell them how many hours sleep you are getting.

Actually even better email them, that way you are starting a paper trail [well you are if you print the email]. Also go to your GP and tell them the same. My Dd1 was prescribed a drug to help her sleep by my GP without the consultant being involved.

Do you get any family support??

If you are in England you should have a sure start or childrens centre somewhere near you. Go and see them and tell them you need help. At the very least they will help you with any paperwork such as DLA forms. You should apply for DLA, it is based on need not on diagnosis and with his awful sleep you would probably get it.

Hello crazyhampster and welcome. MNSN has been a lifeline for me.

I found 4-5 very challenging (and wanted to do a runner too!). I think it might have been a combination of ds wanting to do just exactly what he thought of (right that second) and not having the experience or ability yet to predict what will happen or wait, plus the huge social changes in starting nursery and school where children who are not average are out of step with their peers and have a harder time. He learnt differently to others so standard parenting did not work well.

The point is it does get better.

Life slowly improved once he had a diagnosis and I and school could better understand the way he thinks - or doesn't. Also Ds got better skills with time. For instance because he could not predict what would happen he would do silly or dangerous things without deliberate intent. He took a long time to realise that what did not hurt him could hurt another. He had poor understanding of others emotions (shrieks of delight and pain sounding and looking alike to him) so would seemingly do things deliberately to upset others then get distraught once he realised he was in trouble.

A trampoline with a net around worked wonders!

Strategy wise I am not sure how to help as what worked for my ds (dxed later with ASD ADHD and LD)might be different for yours. I attended several specific parenting courses (I was desperate) of which the Webster Stratton was among the most helpful - mainly because I was with other parents struggling with children who needed specialist parenting skills too, and we helped each other. I nearly walked out at first though! I sort of picked what helped for us. The paediatrician or the local children's centre may be able to help find support or a course - although you may need to wait till a diagnosis is at least on the horizon so that the strategies are suitable and specific. Support groups can be helpful in the future.

Ds (nonverbal at 4) needed very simple positive commands such as stand still. He would often hear only one word or the last word so needed positive commands like 'walk' or 'stop' rather than no running. Ds had trouble with transitions so needed warnings. I used songs (with a different tune for going home to going out) and hand signals to help him understand time.

Being tired and worn down makes everything so hard.

Yay booby I had forgotten about the stopping game!

I used to play it with Dd3, she used to stop like a statue, then run for a little bit then when I shouted "Stop" she would do a statue again.

It definitely helped her to get the idea of stopping. I think she was nearer 6 when she got it properly though.