God what do I do with my poor DS?

[inappropriatelyemployed]

He couldn't get to school at all today. He has only been going in for part of the day with me. He was wailing and crying about putting his uniform on and how he can't cope.

Where do we go from here? His third school. One period of HE already. School will do whatever they can but he can't cope and I worry I am damaging his mental health.

He finds it so hard to explain how he feels but he can';t cope with kids at school. We went to a special school to look around yesterday and he wouldn't look in the classes and got visibly stressed out at a glimpse of a child in a far off corridor.

What do you do?? CAMHS? HE? This can't go on.

Nope. You don't. Well, only in the sense of 'listening to how he feels' rather than in having to take it on board yourself. AS is entirely compatible with decent quality of life, and with a good long-term outcome. Not for everyone, but you could say that about any condition (being female, being Catholic, being Irish...)

Being educated with 29 supposedly-NT dc probably does ruin his life

I don't understand the distinction between listening to how he feels and taking it on board??

What I was saying was simply that you can tell him all the positives but it doesn't make him believe that having AS isn't a nightmare because for him, it is, at the moment.

I can help him deal with that but it doesn't make it any less true and having crippling social anxiety is certainly not the same as being catholic, or being female etc so I doubt the outcomes are balanced there.

I understand it doesn't have to ruin his life but he can't see that at 10. And the reality is also that, unless he is properly supported and placed in the right environments, his disability won't be compatible with a good quality of life.

I can listen, help but being dismissive is not the answer, as it wouldn't be for anyone struggling with mental health issues.

Sorry, I have re-read your post and I didn't pick up the last bit. I think you were saying the same thing.

Sorry - being Ms Touchy!

It didn't matter how often I told ds how clever he was, how kind and what good fun.
He just couldn't see it.
I think he can now, but I think we will always struggle a bit with his self esteem.
He is like his dad in that respect.

I agree zzzz. Irrespective of what he feels now, it is best to keep on reinforcing his worth and the fact that he feels bad because of the environment he has been struggling to cope with. Not because he is bad.

Your posts prompted me to chat this through while giving him a foot massage!! I told him that I realised he had been saying he found things hard for a very long time, that he had said he had no one to share worries with at school and that he wasn't understood. I said I tried to raise these things for him but that I left him to cope with this and that I was sorry. This would not happen again.

I said that he was a fab boy and that everyone in the family and all our friends thought this but that he had been struggling to pretend to be someone else at school for too long. That made him feel bad about himself. school made him feel bad. But that was the fault of adults not him. I said all that was stopping as from now.

He lay there, looking a bit teary, then said 'thanks mum, now can you do my back?'

:)

He definitely sounds a little depressed, inappropriately. I couldn't even begin to guess whether it's the sort of depression that's there because things in his life are depressing him, or things are depressing him because there's something more organic going on. Probably a bit of both at this stage. Hopefully some time out of the school system will help to sort all that out.

Love the outcome of your little talk. Made me nod and think, yep, that sounds rather familiar :o

Ahh your lovely ds

Thanks for your help and thoughts on this. It has really helped. I wonder if he will be a bit more sprightly tomorrow. I would be nice to get out of the house!!

Really sorry.

I meant that if the awful situation were fixed, the AS might be much less of an issue. And (this was a personal thing for me, really) that seeing your dc trapped in doom, gloom and anxiety can be so awful that there's a slight risk of the hopelessness becoming contagious.

No need to apologise, I completely understand what you mean. It was me being over sensitive .

My ds was showing symptoms of clinical depression at age 6 op so I can really empathise :(
HEing was the best thing I could have done at the time, but it was terrifying and I doubted myself a lot.
I just wish I had done it sooner tbh.

My half-in-jest comparators were a silly choice of characteristics... but the underlying point was that actually, much of his distress is probably about underlying discrimination (having to be shovelled into a system that his neurology simply doesn't suit is not equality)

In modern-day highly misogynistic societies, lots of maltreated women still want to die; school communities are often bad places for Irish Traveller dc; and being openly Catholic in Cromwell's time wasn't a good move.

In fact ridiculous though it might seem, I wonder if ringing the traveller education person might lead you towards some helpful resources on valuing diversity, and education not necessarily being synonymous with full-time schooling

Have you read any HE books op?
I recommend free range education, how children learn and grow your own.
There are also books that specialise is home schooling asd dc.
I found them very helpful.

One of the most enlightening things I ever did as a teenager was go underage drinking with my (also underage, and HI) friend at a Deaf club. Absolutely shaped my perceptions on disability being multilingual equality discrimination and being efficiently clocked and served only lemonade the importance of diversity.

IE, this is bringing back so many memories of when we brought ds out of school, very similar circumstances .

We deregistered just before the October half term and I was (and still am) convinced that if we'd left him there till Christmas we'd never have got him back, emotionally and mentally. He was crumbling apart and we had major concerns for his mental health, which the GP agreed were valid.

I think you're handling this brilliantly and he'll be reassured to know you're doing all you can to help him. I loved your post about giving him the massage while talking! I think you have a long way to go to get him back on track but it sounds as though you have a great relationship and that will mean more than all the therapy in the world, in the long run.

Thanks streaky, he gets achey joints because of his Hypermobility so it is a good chance to talk as he doesn't have to look at you and can lie back in his own world!

We used to do a similar thing of passing a ball back and forth while we talked. The focus was shifted from the uncomfortable topic to catching and throwing and we got much more out of it. Not the sort of thing you can do with a stroppy 14 year old though .

I can imagine.

A MUCH happier DS this morning. I suggested the zoo and he said 'yes please mum' and he is now getting ready!

Maybe he is starting to chill out!!

Great news! Maybe it's because he knows you're working to put things right and feels more confident. Have a lovely, relaxed and enjoyable day. I hope this is the start of positive changes for ds .