please help me

[devilishmangerdanger]

sorry I'm sobbing away but I think DH and I have made the decision to put DS into residential. So why do I feel like shit?

{{dev}}. It's not what you wanted for him, but it's the way things have turned out, with the lack of support re:schooling etc.

Hugs and honks to you, Dev. As Light said, it's not what you wanted, but what you've been brought to.

I'm sorry your feeling sad but you need to do what's best for you and him x

Honking for you dev

Because it is the best you can do? Because of all the options available this is the best one FOR HIM?

Mainly because he's your darling boy and you'll miss him like crazy no matter how much good the placement might eventually do him. And you'll miss him massively despite all the trauma of trying to look after and educate him single handed for so long. Partly you'llbe getting the irrational (but awful) guilt of not being able to do the impossible through sheer parental willpower. And possibly the luxury of finally collapsing because the end of full-time struggling (FT meaning 24/7, 365 days a year) is perhaps in sight.

If, instead of SN, he had exceptional ballet talent and needed to go here because you and the locals could no longer offer the specialised input he needed, you would feel devastated, guilty and apprehensive. But you'd recognise that it was necessary to give him a chance of success. And you'd still be there for him when needed.

Dev, it may well be what saves you all. You are brave and good to be doing this. It's not irreversible either, but may give you some space to consider alternatives. Thinking of you x

Massive hugs to you Dev xx I think its always the same this heart wrenching feeling due to our childrens needs and that we sometimes have to make decisions for their future that a lot of parents never have to think of. A lot of decisions and fights so well in advance before they have even had a chance to grow up!

This is a massive move in one direction that has been mulled over, fought over, discussed, battled with and endless thinking trying to sort out another way for support. I would say he is one very lucky boy to have parents that love him so much.

I know my Uncle was a very old man when he had a relapse and had to stay in a residential for the elderly for a while. I was angry that I couldnt care for him and thought he would hate it, felt I had let him down.

Turned out that was not the case. I saw him regularly and instead of being very tired and worn out caring for his needs everyday I found I could enjoy him and he me like it used to be. For a while it was nice to zap out of the nursing, caring role and be a niece again :)

I know that was an old man but just maybe if this decision goes ahead you will not only have respite yourselves as a family but enjoy your boy and he you xx

More hugs Dev

Hi my ds is going next week it's voluntary but I think if we refused it
Would happen anyway he is 13 . I keep crying if I think about it . He wants to go and the place he will live is lovely , he will finally have live in friends . But I just can't stand it . I know how you feel .

Dev, do you mean resi school or a resi home?

Oh dev :(
No words, just sending love x

((hugs)) dev
I'm sure whatever choice you make will be the right one for ds x

That's so hard, but it's not been working having him at home and unable to access school (for whatever reasons,) has it? This is something that might work for him and for you all, it's got to be worth trying, however shit it makes you feel, I guess. ((((hugs))))

Because, Dev, to do this, you have to lose everything you've been for the last few years. Right now, you can't see how your relationship will change, so all you can see is that you are packing your DS off somewhere else. What you're giving him, though, is a chance at life, and yourself the chance of sanity.

Well done, you are an inspiration for us all (even if you do feel awful).

((hugs)) not an easy thing I know - but if it's the right thing for him, that's our job as parents, isn't it? To let them go, just a little bit.

Dev

My DS had to take up a specialist residential placement when he was 16. There was simply no other option available to him, as he wanted to remain in education.

He had very few independence skills and needed intensive support and therapy on a 24/7 basis. That was something I simply couldn't give him.

The improvement in him after a few weeks in residential was very noticeable.

The staff in these specialist placements have the skills to reach our children in ways that even us parents (or perhaps because we are parents) we could not do.

It's a very hard decision but you need to look at the longterm outcome. You are actually making the best decision you can that will provide him with the maximum help available. You may feel like shit now but in a short time you will see that it actually the best course of action for him that maximises his opportunities.