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SN children

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Original poster

Would anyone blame me for chosing not to attend my DD's school functions?

15 replies

mummyloveslucy · 07/12/2012 19:26

My nearly 8 year old daughter has recently started a new school. She has severe LD, and other SEN's. Including autistic traits, but NOT on the autisic spectrum.

We went to her school the other day, and she was ment to show us her work, then the parents were going to watch a film of the children. She compleatly blanked us, and refused to acnowledge us the whole time. Today we went to the school to take her around their christmas fayre. She screamed and cried the whole time, saying "Go away! I don't want you here!" and I only want my friends. At school, her behavior is excellent. The teachers have never had any problems with her. At home, she is usually happy and content too. It just seems to be, when we go to the school. 

 If I spoke to the teacher and explained this, then said we wouldn't be comming to any more school functions, unless it was just to watch a show, do you think she'd understand? I don't want her to think that we don't care, or just don't want the hassle. We don't want to cause her the stress. I'm worried the teaching staff will think we're awful parents, as she either screams blue murder or blanks us every time we turn up. <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png">

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YourHandInMyHand · 07/12/2012 19:39

My DS has ASD and likes things in their own "boxes". We once saw a teacher in the supermarket and he flipped out, wouldn't even look at her and was so upset! Teacher said kids are often shocked at seeing them out of school and I can well see it working the other way around too. My ds also doesn't deal well with homework, school reading books entering the home zone, doesn't understand why the two should meet! I'd be surprised if it's the first time they've had this situation. Maybe you could ask them?

If the school have seen her negative reaction to you being in school I'm sure they'd be understanding. Perhaps you could suggest you be on call next time there is a school event, and if she asks for you or seems upset you are not there they could call you?

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 07/12/2012 19:44

Ah, thank you! That's a brilliant idea. I'll do that.

She doesn't like being picked up from school either. She either blanks me, or is very spiky, until we get home, then she's lovely again.

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 07/12/2012 19:50

She also doesn't like homework, or even seing her school bag in the hall. It has to be hidden away, along with her uniform. Even though she loves school!
They are funny.

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Lougle · 07/12/2012 20:03

Lots of children at DD1's school react badly to parents being there. The receptionists are fantastic at doing a dance around the foyer checking the corridors for DC before they open the door to a parent

I think you know Lucy best. Will she gradually learn to accept it, or will it continue and just be distressing?

DD1 is in her 3rd year at her SS now. The first year, she couldn't cope with even knowing I was in the school. She'd be a hysterical mess and the staff couldn't do anything with her at all because she just wanted Mummy. I had to hide at the Christmas fayre.

The second year, she held it together during the performance but then collapsed in a heap once it was over - floods of tears. For the Christmas Fayre, she coped initially, then cried, then I had to take her home.

This year, she was really pleased to see me in the Christmas Fayre, but then cried once back in the classroom, to such an extent that the teacher took DD1 round as her 'helper' when it was her turn to visit the Fayre. As soon as DD1 saw me (again) across the hall, she dramatically put her hands together to sign 'HOME'. We agreed that I would take her home once I was finished, as long as she could stop crying and do what her teacher wanted in the meantime. She managed for a while, then escaped her classroom to come and find me. Progress, though.

I wonder what she'll be like after the performance this year.

In general, I hide whenever I go in. I don't walk along the corridor by her classroom, I go the long way, etc.

Lougle · 07/12/2012 20:05

How far away is the new school from your home? If it's 3 miles or more, she will qualify for transport, which might be more comfortable for her.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 07/12/2012 20:06

You should feel happy and free to discuss all behavioural issues like this with school, that will be an important part of her education now so you may as well start now. :)

Catsdontcare · 07/12/2012 20:07

I'm sure if you explain they will understand. I missed one ds's very first reception events because I knew it would cause an issue if I was there. He's lovely at home and at school but the boundaries would be blurred if the two collide! His teacher was lovely about it and fully understood.

cansu · 07/12/2012 20:38

I never attend share mornings and plays etc ask know dd won't understand and will struggle to behave in the right way if I am there. I don't know if school understand. Her TA understands and is fine with it so I don't worry about it. I think it's pretty common tbh so don't feel guilty.

signandsmile · 08/12/2012 08:06

I too don't do 'learn together' afternoons, as for DS mummy means 'home time'. Mummy at school is just 'wrong' to him...

Strongecoffeeismydrug · 08/12/2012 09:03

Another one who never attends inspire mornings,or Xmas fayres,family discos ect cos mummy means hometime.
I do however attent Xmas plays or concerts but I make sure Im not on the front row so that I mingle a little :)
He's at a special school this year so don't know if is parents are all going to fight for the back row :)

justaboutchilledout · 08/12/2012 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Learning70 · 08/12/2012 14:18

Lol it's not just me then! At school sports day a man in front of me asked if he should move out the way so I could see. I said oh no, that's fine, I'm hiding behind you so my son can't see me. Maybe I should explain myself in these types of situations?!

signandsmile · 08/12/2012 18:43

really sweet, last year we went to the nativity, (there isn't one this year phew!) and hid so he wouldnt see us, and a couple of the parents came over later and said they had filmed ds (before he got distressed ) for us, as they could see we were 'hiding'. there are some lovely people out there...

blueemerald · 08/12/2012 19:01

I worked in a special school for a year and there was not one student in my class of 8 who could cope with parents at school. It was a PMLD class and 5 would melt down on sight and 3 would melt down when their parents left and didn't take them too!

We also got good at the avoid-parent shuffle.

There was one father (deputy chair of the governors, so in school fairly often) who used to deliberately peer through the window until his daughter saw him as he saw her confusion/distress as proof of how much she loved him and how close they were. Never did take her with him though.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 08/12/2012 20:06

Thanks everyone. She is at a mainstream school. Although I didn't get any tutting, or dis-approving looks from any of the parents when she was in full swing. One grandma looked horrified, but she doesn't count. They were either very understanding, or we'll be the subject of conversation next week.

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