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Original poster

My DD really doesn't like me and exp wants to take her away

33 replies

queencat · 02/12/2012 22:49

She is seven, has been formally diagnosed with ADHD, I'm still trying to get other diagnosis for ASD and dyspraxia.

She absolutely hates me. I'm a single mum bringing up three children by myself. She goes to her dad and his partner every other weekend. They NEVER have bad behaviour from her. He refuses to believe there is any kind of issue.

Because her behaviour is so extreme and awful when she is with me (he has witnessed this) he is now saying that I am making her miserable and she is better off away from me.

I don't know how to 'control' her behaviour. Please please help me.

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endoftherainbow · 03/12/2012 00:01

I don't have experience of ADHD but what I do know is that my ds who is suspected asd, frequently rants that he hates us. He is 6 but is now able to understand that he doesn't actually hate us, it's what we're doing at that time e.g. stopping something that he wants to continue etc. Our situation is not the same and I can't imagine what you are going through but I believe that our dc's behave their worst often with those whom they feel they can be themselves with and who are constant in their lives. My dh works away and does not see the behaviour that I see/experience and will often comment that he feels things have improved etc but it has just been his absence that has given these thoughts. I'm learning that I will never be able to 'control'my ds like my two other children but I can navigate outcomes that are more positive than if I were to go head to head. The latter always tends to escalate the behaviour/reaction. I don't always manage it but I try to stay calm even in the most frustrating situations and address the issues when ds3 is able to see 'reason' in some way. Don't give up. I'm sure you'll get there - the grass is not always greener the other side.

coff33pot · 03/12/2012 01:02

she goes to her dad and his partner every other weekend

Thats it in a nutshell really. Only every other weekend where no doubt yes she is well behaved due to the fact its not the norm, its a holiday, its a weekend, no school, rules will be lax on weekends and no doubt treats etc.

That is sooooo different to having a permanent household routine, rules, boundaries and siblings to squabble with DS has adhd along with as and I found in the beginning if he wanted me and my attention he had a way of getting it by yelling or annoying a sibling rather than just saying "mum I need you" those words didnt come out of his mouth for quite a while.

And of course rather than having the attention he wanted as he wanted something he was told whatever he had done was wrong etc as that was the issue we could see. Cue "I hate you!" :)

If you can brave it and you think its wise maybe let her stay longer over the holidays sometime or even better make arrangements that she stays over the weekend and a couple school days with stricter bed routine and uniforms on in the morning.

Dont let it get to you x

madwomanintheattic · 03/12/2012 02:44

What coff said.

Ask if you can switch days for a bit to so that he gets a chance to experience having to maintain an externally imposed routine.

If he manages, and she is happy, etc, then try and watch for little things that might be making a difference. Are the other two children his as well? Get him to have them all on the same days for school routines etc.

It is absolutely about externally imposed routines, and the difficulties of enforcing them with kids like dd. ds1 is exactly the same. He can be a doll when he's getting his own sweet way, and is so when he visits other people's houses. Try and get him out of the house for school? It's like apocalypse now.

I assume if her behaviour is extreme and awful, you have been down the standard issue routes wrt ADHD (omegas, zinc and magnesium,etc, followed by discussion and medication trial of ADHD meds in conjunction with paed?)

What makes you think she hates you? (When I am in the throes of an attempt to get ds1 to get dressed/ washed/ fed, he does a really good impression of hating me. In saner moments, I know he doesn't.)

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 03/12/2012 02:51

See if they want to have her and if she wants to go for the whole of the Christmas holidays I'm sure that will sort them both out from thinking you are the problem!

IndigoBelle · 03/12/2012 07:12

Is there any way that this is a good idea? Her living with her dad and you having her every second weekend?

You might find that you enjoy each other a lot more when you see her.

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah · 03/12/2012 07:28

Many kids I've known with adhd can hold it together for short periods as long as they can then return to a familiar place and relax (and let out the feelings, often aggressively). It's a compliment, albeit backhanded, because she trusts you and not them.

I would suggest an increase in contact, both to give you some respite and also to see if her behaviour changes when she's more familiar with them...

Foxy800 · 03/12/2012 07:50

My dd has a diagnosis of ADHD, I too am on my own and she has regular outbursts towards me but can be as good as gold for everyone else. It is very draining but I try to remember something that was told to me and that is because she feels so comfortable with me she feels she can react like this, also told to remember they often dont know what they are doing or saying in anger.

I bet if your ex dp had her for longer periods she will display this behaviour for them too. My dd on the odd occasion has displayed it towards her dad too.

Hope this makes sense and helps a little.

Foxy800 · 03/12/2012 07:51

As other posters have added you are the one having to put down the rules etc in terms of school etc.

Original poster

queencat · 03/12/2012 08:16

Unfortunately he does not live nearby so it would mean changing schools etc. the eldest child is not his so when dd goes she is 2 on 2 as he is with his partner, I am 1 vs 3.

I think she hates me because she is so awful around me and I can't seem to control her behaviour where as he can.

I'm at the end of my tether with it all really. I'm so exhausted and so sad I get very little pleasure out of being a parent.

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Original poster

queencat · 03/12/2012 08:44

To add I've been prescribed Ritalin but as the ex does not believe there is anything wrong he says he'll take me to court if I drug her.

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Ineedalife · 03/12/2012 09:02

Really feel for you queen,
Dd1 was very similar when she was young. She would behave completely differently for her dad when he had her for odd days.

He never understood what she could be like at home, biting, kicking, screaming at me.

I have no idea what the answer is, are you getting any support anywhere else. What is she like at school??

Original poster

queencat · 03/12/2012 09:29

Her reading and understanding are ok but her writing is appalling. She has been observed at school hence the diagnosis but they will not diagnose ASD at this time. She is not naughty at school just a bit restless and finds concentrating hard.

It's now got to the stage where I'm doubting myself maybe there is nothing wrong it is as my ex says my lack of control and my instability following him leaving me.

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ChristmasTreegles · 03/12/2012 10:00

First of all, I very much doubt that he can take you to court if you give her Ritalin. If the paed has prescribed it, and you feel it's warranted, then it's your decision. He can choose not to give it to her on the weekends he has her. Perhaps a week's trial to see if it makes any difference while she is with you? The paed is not going to prescribe Ritalin for her if it weren't something they felt would help.

Whistlingwaves · 03/12/2012 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 03/12/2012 10:09

Let the twat take you to court - what are they going to say if you are giving your daughter doctor prescribed drugs? He is just going to look like the twat he is.

You don't seem to be hearing what people are saying... give him more time with her, it will soon change things.

How long were you with this twat, he's done a right number on your self confidence my love and still has you where he wants you - completely doubting yourself :(

Original poster

queencat · 03/12/2012 10:15

We were together for six years the one day he upped and left turned out he had someone else. I don't know how to get through to him that I'm not making it up its not me she really does behave like that. He keeps accusing me of child abuse in the sense that I am 'allowing doctors to prod and poke at her' his words.

When she went on hols with him she was fine when she went with me she was a fucking nightmare.
She keeps screaming at me she wants to live there buy surely that will screw her up even more?

I want to give her the Ritalin but can't tell him.

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troutsprout · 03/12/2012 10:57

Let her move in with him .... See how it goes.
Those words sound so flippant and non-caring and I don't mean them to be because I can understand the turmoil it could cause for you- her mum. BUT....it seems to me that they are all backing you into a corner and all are determined to prove that you are the one in the wrong.
Does she really want this? To move home and schools and friendships etcetera? Does she seem to really get what it entails?
If so then Tbh...it seems to me that it could be a good thing.
He is her father at the end of the day. Let him have 24/7 week in week out responsibility ... Lol- it ain't no 'holiday' is it !

ChristmasTreegles · 03/12/2012 11:04

I wouldn't recommend being secretive about it, as then it does look odd. Honestly, you have a prescription for it, given by a paed, you are not in the wrong to administer the meds to her.

He is not going to take you to court. Any solicitor will look at that and say "um, she has a prescription for it, given by a paed who has assessed her.... nothing wrong with it." He might waste a little time and money TRYING to take it to court. But I can't imagine it would even see the inside of a courtroom!

Check with a solicitor about your legal standing, but I would simply tell your ex that this constant barrage of nonsense about child abuse and not agreeing with your DD's course of medication is not in her best interest. If he wants to do what's best for her, he needs to grow up and start working WITH you instead of against you.

Foxy800 · 03/12/2012 14:55

He is being ridiculous over the meds, a paed wouldnt prescribe them if she didnt need them and I dont think a court would overrule a doctor if the doctor can prove it is needed.

Sending you a huge hug.xx

madwomanintheattic · 03/12/2012 17:56

Quite. There's no way he'd get anywhere near a court room.

You need to stop with the whole 1 vs 3 thing though.

Versus?

It isn't a war, or a competition. I get that it feels like it. Go to t your own gp and ask for a referral for counselling, or family counselling. You need to be emphasizing the teamwork, not pitting yourself against your children, however much it feels like that (and believe me, I know.)

Original poster

queencat · 03/12/2012 18:22

It just feels like me against the three of them the whole time, I take no joy from the children and believe me I feel like a right bitch the whole time. Everything degenerates into a struggle or an argument. Nothing is ever calm and easy so it does feel like me vs them. My feelings generally are that I'm actually quite shit at being a mum.

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madwomanintheattic · 03/12/2012 19:16

Oh, I know. That doesn't make it correct though. We all have our own demons around parenting, and I suspect that some of yours stem from a general feeling of not being good enough courtesy of your lovely ex.

I do think you need to discuss some options with your gp, or contact paed re some parenting type classes that will help you regain some control over your thoughts, and help you move towards more of a team/ family mentality, rather than 'me v them'. That doesn't mean I agree you are a shit mother. (Lord knows I recognise that family dynamic> but it does mean I think that your low self esteem needs some support to enable you to feel like a better mother.

To realign your perspective, iyswim.

mrslaughan · 03/12/2012 19:25

I am sure that her ADHD contributes - but it sounds like she is pitting her father against you, and he is letting her do that, which is such a shame - to put it mildly.
Can you access ABA - to help mange her behaviour?
Would you consider giving custody to get dad? I know it seems drastic...... You might find with just 2 and without (what seems) her derisive influence the other 2 may become more manageable.
With regards to the medicine, you are her caregiver , give it to her on the days she is with you.
And big hugs - it will get better.

Inaflap · 03/12/2012 20:30

You sound at the end of your tether and your self esteem sounds at rock bottom. I don't mean to sound heartless but perhaps your daughter is trying to tell you something through her behaviour that she can't articulate. Children pick up and hate any feeling of insecurity and antipathy and this results in oppositional behaviour. I've witnessed this in classes I have taught and also in children towards parents. I would seriously consider letting her go and live with them then you get her for weekends and can be the fun parent. While she is at his house you can then work on getting your relationship back on a good footing with your other two children and when you are more happy, I think you will find her behavior improves with you. That way if it all goes well with them, she is happy and although you are not her primary carer and I can really understand how that hurts to give that up, you at least will have a good and long lasting relationship with her and with your other two children.

As everone else has pointed out, he is getting the best deal so far and she is manipulating the situation. All that is happening at the moment is a lot of damage so something has to change. You are a great mum and whatever you decide to do (and you are between a rock and a hard place) you will do for her best interests. If you decide that she stays with you, then how about a parenting course for hints and tips. I know what it is like to get into a rut and be shouting a lot. I've done that and still haven't got it right so can't give you much advice there but good luck in whatever you do.

Original poster

queencat · 03/12/2012 20:42

Thank you for your wise words. If she goes to him she will have to change schools and I think that is too much for her, she clearly doesn't adapt to change well and is settled at school. I also don't want to be the mum that gives up and says she can't cope with it all. I feel like I have to try and make this work as she is my daughter and I want her to be happy. I went to see the school again today and they have suggested a family therapy type situation so we can get to the root of it all.

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