I am so upset, school and statement related (ranty and long) :(

[moosemama]

Backstory: Last year ds had truly amazing teachers, they 'got' him and went out of their way to make sure he felt happy and confident about his abilities and work.

In the infants maths used to be his absolute favourite subject, he has always been in the top set and got level 3 in the y2 SATs.

In y3 he essentially had a breakdown for the first half and was left to his own devices for the second half (spent the last half of the year reading in the corner). In y4 his teachers just couldn't get to grips with the fact that he can do the work, he just needs longer to process. As a result he completely lost confidence in his ability and stopped working. At the end of the year one teacher wanted to move him down a set - apparently to show him that he was better at maths than the pupils in the other group - . The other teacher, EP and inclusion teacher disagreed, as did I, saying that would just knock his confidence even more, as he was capable of doing the work - he just needed proper differentiation and reassurance of his abilities.

Last year his maths teacher was adamant that he was in the top set, on the second to top table purely on merit. She reiterated to me regularly throughout the year that he absolutely deserved his place in the class and she worked hard to differentiate and support him. By the end of the year he was doing really well and after all her encouragement and support, finally started to believe in his abilities again. At the end of the year she pushed for a meeting with the Head to insist that he be allowed the extra time for tests and assessments that the EP and OT had suggested. I got the distinct impression she had been pressurised not to do this during the year she taught him. Spoke to her right at the end of term and she said she'd had a meeting with the Head, SENCO and next year's teachers and it was agreed that he should get the extra time. In the meantime I made sure it was written into his statement.

This year he has two teachers who clearly don't believe he has AS. They are obstructive to say the least and have a big thing about 10 year olds being too coddled and needing to be more independent. They include ds in this, despite him clearly presenting as a much younger child in terms of emotional development and maturity.

His maths teacher has not been giving him the extra time for tests and assessments and as a result in less than one half term he is convinced once again that he is no good at maths. His confidence has plummeted and now he has started to make silly mistakes as a result. She has even kept him in at break to finish tests.

We've been through this before with SENCO insisting extra time is only for official tests/assessments and failing to grasp that if they don't allow him the extra time in class as standard he becomes despondent, loses confidence and gives up - resulting in lower grades. He is entitled to the extra time based on the results of his WISC IV and this is clearly stated in the EP report and now also in his statement.

He brought home a test the week before last that was marked in red pen. He had completed 16 out of 22 questions and got 15 correct (the one he got wrong was a silly slip of the pencil type mistake). The teacher had put a big red cross next to every one he hadn't completed, plus obviously the one he got wrong. She then wrote a big red 7 on the bottom of the page. So not only did she not give him enough time to complete the test, instead of encouraging him by marking the ones he got right, she chose to highlight the ones he hadn't completed and mark them as wrong and instead of a mark for the ones he got right at the bottom, she had emphasised the ones he hadn't completed/got right. As a result he was really upset and told me he is rubbish at maths etc - so we are right back to square one, where we were in y4, effectively wiping out a whole year of hard work by last year's teachers.

I had just had a meeting with the SENCO about how they intend to implement his statement, but was not at all happy with their plans and my concerns were borne out within a week - so I added this to my list of issued with the school so far this term (which is now 8 pages long) as I plan to ask for a meeting to address them.

He has just come and told me that last Tuesday his maths teacher told him that she is going to discuss with his class teacher him moving down a group in maths. She said she would speak to his CT about it for her to discuss with us at parent's evening. He is obviously devastated and now sitting sobbing over his maths homework - which is something he could have done easily last year, but now can't do for panic.

Not only are the school not implementing his statement properly in a myriad of ways, by failing to do so they have totally undermined all the good work put in by last year's teachers. Ffs, if the maths teacher had given him the extra time as required, he wouldn't have lost confidence and wouldn't be in the situation he's in now

I have only spoken to his CT twice this year and both times she ended up ranting at me about how ridiculous his statement and extra support is. We get ten minutes at parent's evening, sat elbow to elbow with other parents. I don't want to discuss it at parent's evening, but dh says he does - loudly if necessary.

I want to arrange a meeting to go through the 8 pages of problems we've had so far this year and how badly ds is affected as a result. To find out why the teachers have such a shitty attitude to SEN and what makes them think they are better qualified than a team of over 9 professionals to know what my son's needs are and therefore over-rule a hard won statement.

The problem is that dh has just started a new job and can't come to daytime meetings anymore.

I am all shades of angry about this, sitting here shaking with anger at how upset my ds is because of their incompetence and refusal to give him the support he needs, as set down in his statement.

I feel sick and just want to cry. I have fought so bloody hard and after winning the statement content he needs (with one or two exceptions) he is worse off than he was without one. I can't believe they told him they were going to move him down a group without speaking to me, or at the very least his inclusion teacher first. Poor child has been bottling this up all week without saying a word. I bloody knew something was up because he has started flapping and tic-ing again and is generally a real state as soon as he gets in from school every day.

I spoke to the TA who helps him get organised for the day on Thursday and she insisted that he is doing really well, settled in fine and had no problems. I told her what a state he's been in at home and said it's because he's having to hold himself together at school and she said 'well he's doing a great job at it then'.

I know the school are going to put the blockades up and I have a huge fight on my hands about the useless way the have implemented some of the statement had have clearly completely ignored others. I can't even go to the LEA about it as the Statementing Officer seems to be best buddies with the SENCO and just says it's my problem because I don't have enough trust in the school, so it's for me to sort out with them.

It's not even as if I care about his bloody results fgs, I just want him to be happy and confident and he is the polar opposite of that right now thanks to their spectacular mishandling of him.

A whole year of excellent teaching and support wiped out in 3 weeks (he was on a residential for one week and off sick for another). That has to be an all time record.

Can someone with some perspective please tell me what to do? I feel like no matter what I do nothing will change and ds is going to slide further and further backwards as the year goes on.

Oh bless him. I know you'll do the right thing - you know him well.

Oh good grief Moosemama

I am sorry to hear about the foot situation as it would be handy to be able to use it to kick the stupid teachers backside back to "tact" college! What an utterly soul destroying thing to do to the whole class let alone your poor DS with how he is feeling.

If it helps him you can tell him that middle DD was top set maths right up until yr5 and all of a sudden she came crashing down in her self esteem purely because someone else received top marks instead of her. So I know exactly how he feels. Art and Maths are her two joys and so she felt physically knocked down. Literacy she hates and her writing is terrible but she loves reading but was forever getting picked on for her handwriting so maths was her baby so to speak.

You can tell your lovely DS though that she was marked at an expected 4b to be achieved in the overall SATS as her confidence did go down but at the end of the day when she worked out that her goal was to raise her own expectations and sod everyone elses she ended up achieving 5c's all round :)

Tell him if he can to trust in himself only. It doesnt matter what the next person gets. We told DD this and to set a goal for herself and dont tell the teachers when she reached that goal we bought buns and laughed at the teachers at home because they didnt know our secret. She practiced at home and then on the day pretended she was in her bedroom and blocked all the other people out. The winner is the one that puts 100% in its not the score that counts in our house its the effort and if they feel they have put 100% in a test then they should be proud of themselves.

Give him a hug from me and tell him I have every faith in him and am secretly sitting on his shoulder poking my tongue out at the silly teacher just like I did for DD x

Thanks Coff33.

I will try the setting private goals and rewarding them, that sounds like a really good idea.

He's gone hell bent for leather on all his online maths things and is spending an hour before school doing either mathletics, maths whizz or math evolve. He knows his facts, but I was watching him yesterday and he was panicking at simple addition and subtraction sums and being generally really hesitant. Before he started back this term he loved doing timed challenges on mental maths against children all over the world. Now he can't add 43 + 57 without hesitating, panicking and ultimately making a silly mistake. This isn't about ability it's purely about loss of confidence and pressure - both caused by the teacher.

He went in better this morning. I think it's helped him to unload and know that we are on his side and fighting for him. I told him we have an appointment with the Head and will make sure they start supporting him properly, whatever it takes. I asked him, if he doesn't want me to pull him out, if he could hang in there until half term and I would get a commitment from the school that things will be better from after the half-term holidays. Fingers crossed they don't manage to throw in any more monumental screw ups today.

Hope his day wasnt too stressful today Moosemama xx

Also checking in.

Also checking in.

He hasn't talked about today yet, as he had cricket after school then we had parent's evening for all three an hour later.

That was fun, sitting there trying not to lose our temper while we were being told how well he's settled in and how happy he is at school.

All the way home he kept saying, see I told you I am rubbish at maths, did you see my books - I am stupid aren't I, etc. I told him my opinion of his abilities hasn't changed since last time we discussed it and I wasn't going to discuss it again just before bed, as he will just wind himself up again.

We have photographed the pages of his maths books. It is literally covered in red pen. The teacher clearly doesn't like him and has been chastising him for not using a ruler - when in actual fact he has, he just can't use one effectively and guess what .... it's in his effing statement! It actually states that he 'will be given assistance in using scientific and mathematical equipment, including rulers, scissors and compasses'. There is also a red pen comment actually written in his book that says "I think you are strugging in this group ds" and that was made only a couple of weeks into term.

Teacher went on about his practice SAT result and how he got the same grade as he was given at the end of last year - but we were told they couldn't level him at the end of last year as he is too complex. They are also digging a hole for themselves as the teacher said in her opinion he shouldn't have been kept in set 1 all along and it's unfair on him, so either they've been cooking the books on his grades or ... what?

The thing is he flew through the y2 sats with an easy 3 - so that means he has barely made 1 grade's progress throughout the whole of juniors - all the while, with the school telling us his progress was fine.

As it stands they are intending to move him down a group after half term. The thing is, I actually do think he would be happier in the middle set away from the horrible set 1 teacher, but there's no chance of us being able to get him to accept it. It will break him, it really will. He will give up on maths completely and it will have a devastating effect on his self-esteem, so will affect every aspect of school, as well as his feelings about himself.

Feel like we are caught between a rock and hard place - again.

Such a massive contrast of emotions tonight as well.

We went to dd's first ever parent's evening and were regailed about how fantastically she's doing, how everybody loves her and how she is so sociable that's she's easily been accepted into a very close knit group of girls who all knew each other really well before they started there. She is polite, well behaved, considerate, listens and pays attention well and really enthusiastic. In fact her teacher actually said "you could say she is a perfect pupil".

Then ds2, his teachers are over the moon with his start to the year, he's come on leaps and bounds in reading and literacy and is the top of his group for maths. His teachers say he is really good at paying attention to what is required for each piece of work in terms of what the core task that will get rewarded is and is a delightful boy to have in class.

So hard, to get such glowing reports about two of our dcs, visit their classrooms and see their books and work up on the wall and then have to face the train-wreck that is ds1's schooling to face.

I really want to be chuffed to bits about the other two, but it feels disloyal to ds1. Obviously I have told them both, in private, what their teachers said and that we are very proud of them and have told ds1 that his teacher says he always tries his best and has settled in well, but well, y'know ...

oh that's awful the stuff witch teacher is putting in his book, poor DS, having his confidence shattered so much by this setting stuff.

Useful to mention dd and ds2 during your angry frank chat with HT though. Neatly disproves any parental contribution to school failure. And lets you express lots of school-ego-stroking grateful parent stuff, whilst sticking firmly to your point about their uselessness wrt ds1.

Thanks TLP.

We have had a little chat this morning and I told him how much the other teacher would love to have him in her class and that he would be the top of that class, wouldn't have to see the nasty maths teacher at all and with the pressure off is more likely to achieve what he wants to achieve. He was very quiet, but I think he might eventually accept moving into the other group just to get away from the teacher.

He shouldn't have to, it's blatant that the problem here is the teacher and not ds and we shall be making that crystal clear at our meeting. Anyone can see that she has had a campaign against him from the outset, she is clearly against inclusion and resents having to differentiate her teaching, the work and the assessment parameters to meet ds's needs.

I'm still not sure he's going to handle it well emotionally and it will seriously damage his self-esteem, but I can't see another way, unless I can persuade him to be part-time home-ed.

I don't think I have ever felt this much anger to one individual before. I start to shake just thinking about what she's put ds through and the fact that she has been able to get away with it is beyond disgraceful. I am also at a loss to understand why the other teacher etc can't see it. It's blatant.

The odd thing is that I had a feeling about her, even before ds went into year 6. I'd never met her, but she gives off a 'vibe', iykwim.

Maria that's a very good point. Although I don't think I will be doing much ego stroking or being grateful this time. I have in the past thanked them for helping ds2 when following his serious illness in Reception Year and used it to demonstrate my point that, when properly employed, the SEN Register system does work. I have also sent home made cakes into the staff room to thank the staff for their continued support of ds1 - I bet that bloody maths teacher ate one, even though she didn't have any contact with him at that point. I am done with playing nicely, they need to hear cold, hard facts and be given absolutely no wiggle room. If they don't get this sorted out asap, then we have no hope of getting him through transition successfully.

His teacher proudly told me yesterday that he has put some tens in his feelings diary. Totally glossing over all the zeros and the fact that he has been consistently putting zeros for the mornings and four or less for lunchtimes. The tens are because of ICT and Science experiments, which he tells me is how he gets through the morning. He tries really hard to think of something better to come in the afternoon. Last year we were getting ten, ten and ten - so the feelings diary, far from demonstrating how well he's settled and how happy he is, is actually evidence of their failure.

The horrid truth is that some few teachers just can't cope. Ds had one in year 3 who disliked all boys. None of them made any progress that year. At all. If you have made it clear to him that it is her fault, not his, then it will be ok eventually. I don't usually believe in criticising teachers to children but it can usually be explained in a way that doesn't undermine them more generally.

That said, I would take a photocopy of his book and the statement with you. Although to her a ruler might not appear a bit of mathematical equipment it is to your Ds.

Well, er ahem, I might have lost my temper and said a couple of things about the teacher in front of him actually. I wouldn't usually, I just lost control for a minute.

I did explain afterwards that even teachers are just other human beings, they make mistakes and there can be personality clashes, just like in any other relationship and that that's no-one's fault really, but it's best to do something about it (as in move to the other group) rather than carry on struggling and being so unhappy.

Dh has all the pictures of his workbooks on his phone, plus, conveniently some from last year for comparison.

Yes, well so did I in similar circs. And said all the rest too. Mind you, when she was using Ds as a teaching assistant to help the strugglers in maths and to explain the harder concepts she couldn't do, but screaming at him and telling him he was useless in other lessons and telling all the boys they were naughty the whole time, I found it hard to be polite.

that's absolutely horrendous - no wonder you struggled to be polite. I am a firm believer that any teacher who feels the need to scream at children has fundamentally lost control and shouldn't be doing the job.

There used to be a teacher at ds's school that made me jump in the playground on the opposite side of the school when she screamed at her class. I couldn't believe she was allowed to carry on teaching, there's no way the Head didn't hear it. The teacher concerned looked ill and exhausted and was clearly not coping, yet she was always back for another year, even post retirement age. It beggars belief it really does. I dreaded ds getting her, but fortunately the new Head saw things differently and she was made to retire before he got to that year.

I absolutely agree.
Good that your school's not coper has gone. She has probably got a completely new lease of life.

Perhaps your Senco might take the same view.

How's it going?

Well, he's off today.

Bad day yesterday - 3 hour meltdown over maths homework, which rattled the entire family .... and probably the neighbours as well.

I have all three home today, thanks to being sent to A&E by OOD at 5 o'clock this morning. Both sets of grandparents are away on holiday, so no-one to have the kids.

Basically, they are treating me for a uti, but the doc said he wants me to follow up with GP asap, as there was really too much blood for that (there was A LOT) and I'll need further investigation.

So, dd is curled up in the rocking chair watching dvds, the boys are upstairs alternating between dvds and reading and I am curled up under my duvet on the sofa in between trips to the loo.

Dh couldn't help, as he's just started this new job and he has the inaugural meeting this evening of a sort of user-group thingy relating to his work that he's started with some other professionals, so he won't be home before 10.00 pm.

To say I am a bit unhappy would be the understatement of the century today.

Feels a bit like I'm cursed at the moment to be honest.

Thanks Leonie. I appreciate the thought.

We're doing ok. The boys have only had one huge fight this morning, which is only to be expected given that they're both knackered, ds1 has a horrible cold and his routine has been completely messed up.

I have just had a message from my lovely Mum, bless her, to say their plane has just touched down in London and she will come here as soon as she gets back. I told her we'll cope until teatime, so there's no need to rush over. I feel terrible, the week before she went away she was doing the school runs for me because of my foot/ankle and she's coming back to this.

Fortunately the boys have their packed lunches, that I made up last night and something made me do one for dd as well, so lunch is sorted. If I can get some help at tea/bedtime we'll be ok, the kids are trying sooo hard to be good.

Hoping the antib's will kick in soon and I'll be a bit more functional.

Oh Moose,so sorry things are so crap,was just mentioning you on devients thread. It never rains but it bloody pours eh? I really hope you get well soon.

Moose, so sorry to hear this. Well done to your boys for trying to be good.

Oh Moose not something else.

Hope you get some relief soon.

((((hugs))))

Oh Moosemama :(

This is really not fair. Wish I could be close enough to give you a bear hug x

Hope the DCs are all settled now and you get a good rest tonight. Take care of yourself at the moment and the rest will follow x