Those of you whose older dc has asd. When did you know for sure the younger one was NT?

[sallyneedssleep]

DS1 has AS. Late to be diagnosed but we always knew he was a bit different. DS2 will be 1yr later this month and I just can't bring myself to relax and believe he's ok. Just pondering when I might really. I started a thread a couple of weeks ago because he was pointing. DS1 still doesn't really certainly not the emphatic index finger pointing that ds2 is doing. He's pointing at stuff he wants and also to show me some things. He has started to look back sometimes but not always. He also points to our dog a lot and makes a sort of woof noise.
He's so so different from ds1 but I keep reading how two kids can be do different and still have autism and of course, I've seen that myself when we've met other families etc.
So I'm just asking when you all knew and could breathe really? So he points, waves, dances around, walks and talks a little. Shows me stuff and understands way more than ds1 ever did. I had no idea that 1yr olds were suppose to have good receptive language. ds2 understands stuff like dog, duck, tiger, shoes, socks etc.
When can I start going to toddler group and Jo jingles please?

DS1 has AS, DS2 has ASD. DS3 is NT.
DS1 and 2 are very different - DS1 had very early language, DS2 was non-verbal til he was nearly 3 etc.
I am sure DS3 (now 4) is NT, and have been since he was around 1, when he started pointing - and checking I was looking, he said Mummy and Daddy rather than random words! He worked out how to do imaginative play himself very young - I couldn't quite believe it when I found him with big serving spoon pretending it was a guitar. He got upset when his older brothers zoomed off into school without saying goodbye or waving to him. He does still have AS traits e.g. he is obsessed with horses and dinosaurs and has been pretty much since he could talk. But I can see from his social awareness that these are definitely not AS, just odd traits.

Ds1 has as and nt twins are 2 years younger. It was about age one and the stuff you're saying-pointing (ds didn't for years), pulling me round to show me stuff, interacting with each other, not stressing about new stuff, loving different foods, feeding themselves. By 2 they were conversing beautifully, whereas ds1 had complete pronoun reversal (you was me and so on) until he was 6.
Very wise jimjams said to me years ago that you may not know they have asd but you know they're harder work than other kids-ds I still constantly try and predict problems/avoid kick offs, with twins life is just more relaxed.

Thank you both. I think it's the worry that the could be very different and both still be asd. Who knows? I'm sure even if he's ok now I'll spend until he's 3 worrying about regression! No more babies here. I couldn't cope with this stress again.

It was kinda the other way sound for us . It was that Dd (nt) made me realise even from very early days how very much UN nt her older brother was.
Even her first smiles were different... They were more social.. Right with you.. Ds somehow smiled for himself and TO himself.
I can remember her being 6months old and we were at a friends house. She was sitting on a mat and my friend gave her a toy ( which she had never seen before). I remember she looked at it... And then turned to look at me to see what I thought of it. It was a real ' moment' for me. I remember thinking ' ds has never done that!'. He never thought I might have my own thoughts like that... And it never occurred to me that such a small person was capable of such things.
So I sort of knew from early on but it was more that it was confirmation in the other direction iyswim.

Shows me stuff and understands way more than ds1 ever did. I had no idea that 1yr olds were suppose to have good receptive language.

^ That would definitely put my mind at rest, if not completely, then 95%. Purely my own viewpoint and experience though, of course!

Also what troutpout said It was that Dd (nt) made me realise even from very early days how very much UN nt her older brother was.

But you crazy lady, why on earth would you want to take her to the hell pits that are toddler groups?

ds2 - 12 months (although he didn't speak really until nearly 3)

ds3 - 18 months (after we'd put him on a gf/cows milk free diet )

I don't think any of my 3 sons are 'NT', though only my eldest has AS. My second son is definitely not autistic. But he has sensory issues and is emotionally very up and down. I worry about his mental health when he is an adult as things are marvellous or disastrous. But he is a popular lad at school, no obsessions or anything. You can see in videos of him aged 1.5 and his elder brother aged 3 how he tries to keep the focus on himself and calls you back, whereas DS1 who has AS will only interact if you ask a direct question, and then he answers it and goes back to his own world - very little reciprocity. My 3rd son is a gentle and kind boy but he is very left brained - he has hyperlexia, reading like a 7 year old at age 3, very clumsy, low oral tone (late talker), fabulous at maths, very loud voice. My jury is out on whether he is AS but he is certainly much more reciprocal socially than DS1 was.

I think my daughter might be NT...she runs to greet people, says goodbye spontaneously, and make tea parties for her small world characters. She's 2. We are still 'wait and see'ing.

Thank you all so very much! I am so sorry not to return to this thread yesterday. Just one of those days.
Really useful to hear all the different pov. Objectively, I think he's doing ok. But the worry is always there especially when you know how much higher their risk is statistically. Just wish I knew nothing about autism and could enjoy him as a baby. Mind you if he is NT, I'll be back on here asking you all how to parent an NT toddler!
Oh and bialystockandbloom, toddler group is just one of those 'normal' things I felt I missed out on with Ds1 because he hated them and seemed so different. So I'd just like to try one out this time. Whether I'd last is another matter!

DS2 has ASD and then I had twins when he was just diagnosed at 2. I watched them obsessively to see if they showed any signs of ASD too. I would say they were about 18 months old when I was sure they were NT. Although they had speech delay they were so much more interactive, happy and relaxed and sociable. They are 8 now and though they have their quirks (DS3 especially) they are definitely NT.

I then had DS5 and he's 5 and I watched him too and there are still times I wonder if he has ASD, but if he has it is very mild, his conversational speech still isn't that great, he takes things very literally and gets very upset by routine change at school, but I am not going down a diagnosing route as I'm not sure he'd get one.

Aw Sally, sorry if I sounded sneery about the toddler groups. I totally understand why you'd want to be able to go and actually enjoy them (this time). When I went to these things with dd (nt) after the misery of going with ds, I then realised that they did have a purpose other than just to upset us! Sorry again, was just a clumsy attempt at being light-hearted.

Oh Bialy, I'm sorry. I knew you were joking. I didnt mean to sound pious! I just long to do those normal, everyday things that other mums seemed to take for granted. I want to be one of those mums whose biggest stress is getting their 3yr old to share with the other 3yr olds or to sit nicely at Saturday morning football club. I know that sounds shallow and petty but as much as I love Ds1 with every fibre or me, I am ashamed to admit I am desperate for Ds2 to be NT.

Saintlyjimjams, ironically, Ds1 had much better expressive language than Ds2 has at the same age. Yet what has staggered me is how much better Ds2's receptive language is now, at not quite 1yr than his brothers probably was at 3!
Who knew you could ask a 1yr old where his socks where and he'd turn, look around, pick them up and hold them up to show you??? I wish I'd known that was normal when Ds1 was the same age.

In our case, we were the other way around.

We always knew that DS was a "different" kid. However, for years, I cared for a boy with classic autism, he was 4 years older than DS and I did a lot of his therapies with him in our home. As DS grew up, we figured he was similar to his friend because of all the time they spent together (they were like brothers) and a lot of the interaction techniques I had learned for my charge were used with DS as well.

However, when DD was 2 1/2, (she is 7 years younger than DS) she was diagnosed with asd. It was not until them that we realized that DS was clearly on the spectrum, too. The Dev. Paed who diagnosed DD asked us about DS (when was he diagnosed, who diagnosed him?) based on family interaction alone

In fact, 5 years later, it is more obvious in him than in his sister...

Sally I think all of us know exactly how you feel. Especially during the 'early' days post-dx, I think we all long to be the parent who can just go to a party/barbeque/park/playgroup etc and just talk to other adults rather than hovering over our 3yos. And there is nothing to be ashamed of, or reason to feel guilty for wishing so much for what most parents just take for granted.

I love ds viscerally and with every single fibre, but I was immensely relieved when I felt I could be secure that dd was showing signs of normal development (and actually despite all her evident 'nt-ness' I still don't totally relax even though she's nearly 3 - probably won't till she's at senior school!).

While no-one here could or should of course possibly tell you, everything you have said about your ds2 suggests anything other than nt.

Still can't be absolutely sure with DS2 who has just turned 2 but am fairly confident. He's got slightly slow language development in comparison with friends' children but that was kind of to be expected after DS1 (nearly 6) who is ASD and significant language delay (not a word til past 4). I think one with speech delay means not surprisingly to have another a bit slow.

Funnily enough the fact that DS2 copies DS1 all the time and is so keen to be just like his older brother is one of the most re- assuring things (although also making me quite teary now!). So he does things which are a bit ASD- y but only in an attempt to ingratiate himself!

Arrghh. I meant nothing you have said suggests anything other than nt!

DD is nearly 9 and still she does things that make me wonder.

However it does not impact negatively on her life, so I have to accept that she may (like me, DH, FIL etc) just have mild traits or some learned behaviour