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SN children

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Original poster

Sorry it's me, essbee again, and advice over settling my ds please??

60 replies

essbee · 15/03/2006 14:45

As you might know we've moved away from where we were and things have been tough on us all. We feel out with my sister and had to move out (she couldn't handle my ds) and we had 2 other moves on top before we even got in our house but we are in and our stuff turned up a week ago from storage.

I've bent over more than backwards trying to limit the effort of him but he's got worse and worse...............

He's run away twice now but only once seriously (had to involve the police etc). I'm really quite concerned. He's completely withdrawn at school and I keep being called in to discuss him. He's incredibly angry when he gets home. He hates me going in his room even to unpack. He said he hates me and keeps lashing out at me.

I don't know. It's really really got to me. I keep asking myself what the hell have i done to him.

The school keep talking about possible asd too btw and have arranged an urgent ed pysch apt and are trying to sort a paed appt too.

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Original poster

essbee · 15/03/2006 14:46

that should be "the effect ON him" erhaps it's my sub conscience coming out. Even my dd had said she doesn't want ds living with us.

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iota · 15/03/2006 14:47

sorry to hear this essbee. don't know what to say.

gotta rush out on school run

WideWebWitch · 15/03/2006 14:48

Hey essbee, poor you but I'm glad you're finally settled and have a pc set up. Can you take him out of school for a week or two to get him settled in and so he spends some time with you? I really don't think it's anything you''ve done, so please don't beat yourself up about it.

LIZS · 15/03/2006 14:51

hi essbee, nice to "see" you back online. Sorry to hear your ds is finding things hard and behaving so badly. I'm afraid I don't know what to suggest except to say that it sounds as if you and the school are doing your best to help him. Do you know how long you may have to wait to be seen and are BIBIC still supporting you ?

Original poster

essbee · 15/03/2006 14:53

I'm on a neighbours pc!!! I should be online probably soon tho and my friend said i can use this again so i plan to check in when i can when i'm not at work.

I did think about taking him out of school but tbh I need the break! That probably sounds awful but it's so hard being with someone who's taking everything out on you. I was feeling really quite positive about it all but i've actually reached the point that i'm taking myself back to my gps tomorrow as i'm really not coping.

I'm really trying to be cheery etc and make him feel good about everything but i'm sure i must come across as unsincere.

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Original poster

essbee · 15/03/2006 14:55

The ed psych will be within a couple of weeks, no idea about the paed.

Bibic's a good idea actually, they're not that far from here either! I haven't got my old number or email so they probably couldn't contact me anyhow.

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Marina · 15/03/2006 14:56

essbee, no advice but just so sorry to hear this. You have all been through so much, maybe some of his issues just need time in the new environment to burn themselves out IYSWIM?
Really hope the GP can help you as well.

Original poster

essbee · 15/03/2006 15:03

Perhaps you're right about getting things out and stuff. I knew it wouldn't be easy on him but I really didn't think he's get continually worse after getting in the house. He even freaks when I unpack boxes in his room! It's also mortifiying dragging a nearly 8 yr old to school down the road in an area where we hardly know anyone yet whilst he's telling me to f off and kicking out... TO an extent I don't care what they think but I also know if that was a new family nr where I was you'd end up avoiding them, well perhaps.

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InternationalGirl · 16/03/2006 07:53

Maybe spend a day just getting his things sorted (i.e. favourite toys, videos, bedding etc). He has probably been without some of his favourite things for awhile and the sooner he gets a chance to feel like he has his things in his room he may start settling in and mellow out a bit. Moving is hard on any kid and he probably wonders if this move is just another temporary move.

If he won't let you in the room maybe you could just open the boxes and let him have some control over where things are put - especially his toys?

tigermoth · 16/03/2006 08:10

essbee, hi there - sorry your ds is being obstructive and hope the ed psych and paed appointments help things.

Would it be an idea for someone else to come over and help you unpack the rest of your stuff? Either someone your ds knows or someone he doesn't? Would be kick up so much fuss if another adult started unpacking things? Is there any really good treat you could promise your ds once things are all unpacked and he is going to school without complaining so much - he likes roller coaters, doesn't he? Woodlands adventure play park is open all year round...

Glad you'll soon be back on a pc.

batters · 16/03/2006 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

essbee · 17/03/2006 10:47

Thanks so much for your replies, it means a lot.

I do think he could be blaming me for, at least, some of it. He had a chat that night (we often do) and he did recognise that he was feeling cross but didn't know why. We had a hug (or 10!) and he had a bit of a cry but within 10 mins he was screaming again....

I had my dd off ill yesterday and I really could not get ds to go. I rang the school and basically they suggested it might be good to actually stay at home with him for a day as it might help, it didn't. I ended up low and hid in bed for a lot of the day.. Ds did think it would be good to have someone else to help him unpack tho which was something (just need to find someone now!!)

I ended up seeing the gp this morning and he (yes a he!) was actually really good despite my reservations about seing a man. He's not at all happy with how i'm feeling even with everything going on and wants to review everything next week (Weds) and get some support in place for us all as well as get some kind of therapy (I hate that word!!) in place instead of relying on ads (hoorah!). He also wants to see ds to see if he can speed up the paed appt.

So at least it does look like we might get some help that we can actually live again! I think we are basically existing atm.

Any other advice would still be really appreciated tho. xx

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Original poster

essbee · 17/03/2006 10:48

Please ignore obvs typos, i'm half asleep!

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TearsBeforeBedtime · 17/03/2006 10:49

glad that new GP, like school, sounds so much more hands on and prepared to take the initiative.

am looking at train tickets on trainline in my other window and will report back later!

TearsBeforeBedtime · 17/03/2006 10:50

I'm the MNetter formerly known as MTS btw!

ponygirl · 17/03/2006 10:53

Morning essbee! Nice to see you 'in' (MN that is).

Your GP sounds really great, I hope he's comes through and sorts out all those things for you. I'm around, if there's anything I can do to help with your ds. My ds is 7, so close in age, would your ds be amenable to meeting. do you think? I understand if not.

Just give me a shout if I can do anything - the sickness has passed, so I think we're safe!

Carmenere · 17/03/2006 10:54

Hi Essbee, I'm delighted that you seem to have found a enlightend GP, a good one can make a huge difference to your quality of life. Would it be possible to keep ds off school for a while? Could you tell ds you need him to help you settle in? Could you ask him to do some painting or gardening jobs? Obviously I have no idea if these things would work but if he felt a bit more necessary to your life, he might settle. Also physical exercise is useful for burning off childhood angst! HTH

dinosaur · 17/03/2006 11:00

Oh essbee, I'm so sorry chuck. I was so so hoping that this move was going to be great for all of you including your DS. I'm very sad that he's taken it so badly. Running away, jeez louise you must have been beside yourself!

Sweetheart, you know that you haven't done anything to him. I know it is desperately hard but please try as hard as you can not to beat yourself up over it. It is really good that you often have chats - sorry that sounds patronising, but you know what I mean - keep those lines of communication open, even if you think you're not getting anywhere you might be surprisedi by how much is actually going in.

Does DS have any "favourite things" that he could really throw himself into? Does he like reading - could you go to the nearest bookshop and get a big stash of whatever he likes to read? Or some DVDs or computer games or whatever floats his boat? Or what about, oh I dunno, a long cycle ride somewhere, or a trip out somewhereh else, preferably something very active where he could burn off a lot of energy?

We moved to Yorkshire from Ireland when I was 10 and I hated it with a passion. I wasn't outwardly angry but I did keep packing my case to run away (too chicken ever to do it though) and I became very withdrawn. What used to make it worse for me wwas when my mum used to get very upset because I was upset, which made me feel guilty. I really wanted to be left in peace to get over it, and not have her weeping all over me as well which frankly was just no help at all. She also became quite needy - I think looking back she was agoraphobic. So although you probably don't feel like it, I think it's probably quite important for your DS to see you being strong, and looking like you;re coping and you're in charge. We all know that you are strong, Essbee, you've come through so much.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble. Thinking of you, as always,

dinosaur

Original poster

essbee · 17/03/2006 11:02

I think i'll talk to the school later and the possibility of keeping him off, it's hard to know whether it will work! This morning I had to phsically drag him every step of the way to school, very hard when I had bags galore and my dd too! The school saw us coming and someone came out to help as we got close.. it really is a nightmare.

The gp really was suprisingly good and as much as I had to reach for the tissues at one point I think I got most things across. MTS - didn't know you'd changed your name! any reason why? and get on msn?? :D)

Thank you ponygirl!! Certainly my ds is much better one on one so might enjoy that! Glad your ds (?) is better! :)

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ponygirl · 17/03/2006 11:06

OK, then, we'll sort something out when you feel it might be a good time. My ds1 (7) is very sociable and loves other boys about his own age to play with. He's a real boys' boy. Back full of beans today (yes, it was him who upchucked!).

Original poster

essbee · 17/03/2006 11:11

Aww dinosaur, my post crossed with yours (as I always seem to do with you!). It's a really good point about remaining strong and in charge in front of him. I do try to but I think I needed a reminder. He has seen me upset but generally I keep myself together until I get them off the school or in bed.

He absolutely is totally and utterly obsessed with yu gi oh and pokemon and lives and breathes it. I try and listen to him and appear interested but i'm so not a saint and it bores the pants off me! The trouble is that to actually play you need someone else to play with. He like computer games too tho but I can't even start up my old computer anymore (I have tried) but i'm picking an old one up from Queen Vic in about 10 days so hopefully that'll help too.

Thank you loads, i'm feeling more positive already. You lot really do make me feel less alone!

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jmg1 · 17/03/2006 11:12

Hi essbee, long time no speak.

Sorry to hear about the problems with ds. Is he eating and sleeping ok, how long has he been at that school?

JanH · 17/03/2006 11:15

Hi, essbee! Just tried to ring you at home and then remembered you're on neighbour's pc (do they know? )

Pls ring me when you get back in and I'll call you back.

xxx

dinosaur · 17/03/2006 11:16

essbee I really hope that he makes a friend at school soon that he can play with. I've been quite concerned about my DS1 recently and started a thread about that too which has got lots of lovely ideas and a real live playdate for him. Really chuffed that you and ponygirl are going to get together, mumsnet is the biz as ever. You must stay in touch when you get your home PC set up.

Original poster

essbee · 17/03/2006 11:24

I will stay in touch :) I do feel like i've made lots of real friends on here! I'm really glad it's helped with your ds. He has made one friend (with the same name!) who has very similar problems actually. He's really not very good at all about making friends tho and seems to have fallen out with most of the class but i'm not sure how much is to do with the way he's interpriting things or whether it's because he can lash out.......

Jan - will do!!

JMG - how on earth are you??? aren't you in some country far away???

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