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Original poster

Sorry it's me, essbee again, and advice over settling my ds please??

60 replies

essbee · 15/03/2006 14:45

As you might know we've moved away from where we were and things have been tough on us all. We feel out with my sister and had to move out (she couldn't handle my ds) and we had 2 other moves on top before we even got in our house but we are in and our stuff turned up a week ago from storage.

I've bent over more than backwards trying to limit the effort of him but he's got worse and worse...............

He's run away twice now but only once seriously (had to involve the police etc). I'm really quite concerned. He's completely withdrawn at school and I keep being called in to discuss him. He's incredibly angry when he gets home. He hates me going in his room even to unpack. He said he hates me and keeps lashing out at me.

I don't know. It's really really got to me. I keep asking myself what the hell have i done to him.

The school keep talking about possible asd too btw and have arranged an urgent ed pysch apt and are trying to sort a paed appt too.

OP posts:
Original poster
essbee · 17/03/2006 11:26

Oh and ponygirl - shall i call you later?

OP posts:
Original poster
essbee · 17/03/2006 11:30

Sorry ignoring your q's mg, just was surprised to see your name!!

He's been at the school since January so a bit over 2 months. He eats brilliantly and is really unfussy (thank goodness). Sleep? no, he doesn't sleep ok. I have a really strict bedtime routine where he'll be in bed by 8.15 but... he wont/can't sleep. He also wakes in the night and can get up and wonder around and I often have to get up to deal with him (caught him drinking food colouring once - I now haven't any!)

OP posts:
ponygirl · 17/03/2006 11:34

Yes, essbee, do! Smile

jmg1 · 17/03/2006 12:04

so the sleep is an issue to look at, cause everyone can feel crap if they don't sleep well it gives you a bad start before you've even started the day.

My kids have all go through stages of waking up and wandering into my room. If they climb in my bed occasionaly I think it is fine and maybe they just feel a bit lonely sometimes.

I was the age of your ds when my parents split up, all I wanted was for my parents to be together, I did not understand that sometimes this is not possible. I am sure you have talked to ds about this, but it is hard sometimes for kids to understand.

looks like you are giving him some one to one so that is good. Maybe try a bit of bribary re going to sleep and going to school. Talk to him calmly and say he can't have such and such (chocolate after dinner or favourite game etc) try to explain that we all have to do things we don't like sometimes. Maybe he likes school really but is craving attention!

Blu · 17/03/2006 12:13

Hi essbee. nice to 'see' you again, and i am gald that you are finally settled, and have your house. It must have been a very testing few months.

I know there are ongoing questions with your DS, but i wonder if this outburst is direcly in response to the many moves? Maybe he badly wants to sett;le down, enjoy his own room, settle in school, but just daren't admit he wants it in case he loses it all in another move.

Like most things with unsettled kids, it might help to be very consistent about boundaries, and give him the security of constancy and consistency - however much he kicks against it - rather than keep trying new things. Get his room all nice and established, then routine, routine, routine. If he kicks off and things change as a result, he may well feel even more insecure .

I daresay a lot of teeth gritting will be involved...I hope the ed spych appt is helpful.

XXXXXXX

jmg1 · 17/03/2006 12:17

good point blu, he could be rejecting everything before anyone can take it away from him again.

Blu · 17/03/2006 12:33

Tallies with something you said on another thread. Very common human reaction. Smile

Original poster
essbee · 17/03/2006 12:38

I should have said, jmg, that his sleep has always been bad. He just find it hard to get off to sleep and acts like he doesn't need it. I agree that he should get more though. I do let him get in my bed sometimes and he does practically strangle me with hugs when he does!

I have talked to him loads about the split/move etc but it really does not help that he keeps cancelling (my NEWLY DIVORCED ex that is). He's meant to be coming down tonight bt has cancelled. He's also cancelled seeing them when we are up in a week... guess who gets to be the bad guy? I'm sooooo glad that he's my ex and that he's 200 miles away.

Blu, I do think that you could be spot on actually. Maybe he is 'just' testing everything/one. I am always reassuring him and have (in the nicest possible way!) explained that this is a permanent move and that we don't have to move again.

Thanks loads x

OP posts:
jmg1 · 17/03/2006 12:39

ha, ha.
But I am a grown up + I mean it though!

jmg1 · 17/03/2006 12:43

That is a shame about your ex, I don't understand how some people can be so selfish.

My dad never gave a toss either. Now we never see or speak which is another shame cause he has three beautiful grandchildren who don't know him at all and a son who wouldn't care if he dropped dead tomorrow.

Original poster
essbee · 17/03/2006 12:46

It is a shame, but i've come to the conclusion that it is their loss in the long run. As much as I have problems with my ds he's still a gorgeous growing boy with a smile that would melt anyone and my dd couldn't be much sweeter if she tried. Your children are more than gorgeous too.

The thing that makes me mad about it is how it affects the children. He's no support/back up to me anyhow.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 17/03/2006 12:49

it sounds like he needs someone to talk to

have you got a brother/uncle - another adult that's played a part in his life (other than his dad)? If there's no-one, a counsellor (child one) would probably be helpful. If you have to wait ages for the ed psych, it might be worth asking if there are any child/family counsellors in your area that could squeeze him in.

jmg1 · 17/03/2006 12:53

Can't believe I just posted that Shock

foxinsocks · 17/03/2006 12:56

about your dad?

parents (when they f* up) tend to stir up the strongest feelings in their kids sadly

Original poster
essbee · 17/03/2006 12:57

About your dad? jmg? Sometimes the truth slips out when we least expect it to.

I have no brothers and he has no uncles. I do agree that he needs a male role model though. My sister does has a bf that he seems to get on 'ok' with when we see them. Or there's my dad but I'm not sure..

OP posts:
dinosaur · 17/03/2006 12:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

jmg1 · 17/03/2006 12:58

Yes about my Dad, there is no love lost but I don't mean that last bit.

Original poster
essbee · 17/03/2006 13:00

I'm sure you don't mean that last bit. As much as I have reasons that i'm not close to my parents I still wouldn't wish them dead, far from.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 17/03/2006 13:00

you sound like you're doing really well essbee - and what a difference a good GP will make

jmg, as essbee said, sometimes these things just slip out

jmg1 · 17/03/2006 13:04

essbee, do you know how wobblyknicks is doing? we used to keep in touch.

Original poster
essbee · 17/03/2006 13:07

I spoke to her a few months ago and was doing really well then, I really think she's got her life back on track. I've lost her number now but wil try and get in touch soon.

Got to go, school nurse appt. I'll try and get online again when I can, thanks so much again x

OP posts:
TearsBeforeBedtime · 17/03/2006 13:09

I've not heard from her since about Xmas time - she has a very dodgy internet connection and works all sorts of funny shifts at her work. She seems to be really really enjoying it - enjoying plenty of male banter from her colleagues, and IIRC has just been promoted to team leader.

TearsBeforeBedtime · 17/03/2006 13:09

I think WigWamBam and/or Bonkerz may have spoken to wk more recently.

jmg1 · 17/03/2006 13:10

Good for her!

tigermoth · 17/03/2006 13:22

remember essbee, it really hasn't been that long since you moved, and you have really only just got your permanent place there. And you've moved when the weather is cold and things just look so bleak. A few weeks of sunshine, some trips to the beach ( where your ds will see other children to play with) - all that could make such a difference.

As other people have said, I do think it's important that your ds sees you being happy, strong and positive about your new home. I know that must be hard when you are in a new area, away from friends, so am really glad your gp is proving to be so responsive and you've got mumnset people you can meet up with. I think it would help if you can get lots new and nice people into your lives asap and build up some social connections - so for this reason, I'd hesitate about keeping your ds home from school for too long - the school can be a real social lifeline if you are new to an area.

It could take a for your ds to make friends there if my older son's experience is anything to go by. He changed primary schools a few times, the last when he was in year 3, and it took a good year for him to feel he had his own best friends. If your ds is so into playing yugiho and pokemon, that's a sociable activity and I bet there are other boys in his class who like them, too - can you arrange for them to come round? And buy your ds some new cards as an extra incentive.