I need help before I crack

[coff33pot]

Between my DS being attacked in "fun" by a dog, being ridiculed, trying to make my family see that continuous punisment wont work but they are so hurt with things getting destroyed, broken and DS taking up all my time. He is melting down every day because I just cannot get enough excercise into him, the family wont be involved even though I have pleaded that 20 mins of their time each would help him learn that they want to play with him. Trying to form a job list for him to do to earn money to pay back what he took from his sisters (actually it was the other boy who told him too but thats beside the point he still took it even though he openly told me so) but trying to tell them all that they can earn pocket money each weekend and DS can have a wallet of his own. But during the week for every little job (or good deed even as much as opening a door nicely will earn him 20p to give to his sisters to pay back.

In two secs DS has gone from giving his sister his entire penny collection to start off to turning my house upside down saying he hates his life.

Meanwhile I have just taken DDs heart monitor back yesterday, she has had her MRI scan and waiting results. She has lost so much weight and I have seen her eating but in amongst them fighting I have left the house to collect something for DH and told them all to fight it out amongst themselves and if they are alive by the time I get home then that is a bonus :(

I cant get my paper work done and my business is failing. Try explaining all that is going on to VAT people and no wonder they think you are spinning a yarn from hell I would think that too if it wasnt all happening to me.

I see DH and cant speak for wanting to cry buy a coffee and just sit in the car. I get a text then from eldest DD telling me how much she loves me and its not good news but its a good start as she is being honest with herself, doesnt want to talk about it just admitting it to us is her first step that she has anorexia.

I drove around and put chasing cars on loud to shut out my thoughts this was mine and my uncles song when he was ill. It was his birthday 2 days ago and hes been gone 4 years this year. I miss him he was my best friend. I drove and for a split second I went straight for the front of a bus. The bus missed me and carried on going I assume he thought I was a mad holidaymaker trying to park on the other side of the road.

I feel stupid, selfish, tired, scared, useless and fucking lonely right now

sorry to hear your having a bad time, just wanted to offer u a hug and say your not alone, you have us, tbh i think most of us have felt the same as your feeling right now, your a fantastic mum and don't forget that....(big hug)

Really sorry to hear you are having a rough time Coff. I don't really have any answers I am afraid but if it helps I think you are an amazing person who has helped me and others countless times. As for how you are feeling, I am sure most of us have been where you are at the moment and come out the other side. I really hope things start to get better for you. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

I'm afraid I can't begin to imagine what an awful time you're having right now. I only know that you are an inspirational person, who has given me and so many others advice and I really appreciate it. However, you need time for you, your such a great mum and have put up with so much. I'm so sorry I'm no use but wanted to leave a message [hugs]

coff - so sorry you're struggling right now. It seems like such a lot to cope with. I hope you can get a bit of a breather so you can try to regroup. Keep in touch with us and know we're thinking about you. Take care!

So sorry to read how hard it is for you just now, Please do go and see your GP and talk about this as you really need some support for yourself to enable you to cope with all the demands. Sending hugs x

I'm so sorry things are so tough, and you sound like you are running yourself ragged trying to sort out everyone and everything with little support for yourself. I agree with insanity about going to the doctor, that incident you describe with the bus sounds like you are really struggling atm

Coff33pot I wish I could be there with you. You have been a great support to loads of people on here, I hope we can repay you by being there for you.

Huge hugs. x

Hi, I am very new to this forum and don't know u well but it seems that u have helped and shown amazing support for others on here.

I am really sorry to hear you are feeling so low a the moment...and things are not easy especially when u not receiving support from family members.

Do try and have a chat with someone, maybe a good friend or the doctor. Big hugs. X

So sorry Coff33, I wish I could help lighten your burden somehow

Really hope you get some support soon coff33pot, it really sounds very difficult, hoping you will get some rest tonight. :(

I am so sorry that things are so tough for you at the moment. You really do have so much to cope with. Agree with the others that you have been an inspiration to me on here. I hope you manage to get a little space tonight to draw breath at least. ((((hugs)))) and coffee.

Coff, another one who finds your posts inspiring and so full of wisdom. I'm sorry that things are so hard at the moment, your DCs have a lovely mum.

Thank you all so much for all the wishes and hugs. All is quiet here now as everyone is asleep. DH crawled in after an 18hour day bless him he is shattered.

I am on anti ds and have been since I got DS dx as I was worn out and still had the school to fight and after dx they couldnt blame me anymore and so I felt safe asking for meds.

Autism Team said I am doing a great job with DS which is a nice thing to hear, the SS visit gave me a report I want to frame because they did nothing but repeat he is in a loving family unit and there was no reason for them to be here, but if I am doing such a great job then how come I cant help his family help him right now. They are refusing, I think to come to terms with the fact that this isnt going to go away and that he is always going to need guidance and understanding as well as the right sort of consequences for him and the right sort of rewards that will motivate positive behaviour. That in the end if we all sing the same hymn then it wont give him mixed signals and will help in the long run. I seem to be slacking because I always used to pull everyone together but its just not happening.

They are having a selfish moment and boy I dont blame them and they deserve it. Its been and is hard for them.

Eldest DD I dont know where to start other than she is destroying her own body or her mind is in self destruct really. Thats why I was so mad when I read imogens post when the school disregarded anxiety. It is a disability and a killer. She is getting help with regards to PTSD but how can I help when my girl wants to destroy herself? She was drugged and raped and viciously so. He was foreign and he got away with it. She hates herself, wants to die and has refused to see friends and cut them off and said if she could get me to hate her too then she could just die and repeatedly tells me she doesnt want to be here. She says she is not the same person anymore. She drank for courage to blot out what happened and gave herself pancreatitis she stopped drinking, she has been on life support after overdose of meds and I had to watch a machine breathe for her. She had what we think was a mini stroke and all the while she was hiding the fact that she was losing weight. She eats though but due to acid reflux and hernia can only tolerate certain foods and at the moment everything she eats hurts. Now she is a size 6.

That bastard walked into my business 2 weeks ago and my dd screamed. I realised I had been serving him for months because I didnt know what he looked like. I was undoing boxes with scissors and if it wasnt for my bro I would have put them in his neck I was lucky I didnt hurt my bro. He said to me that my dd is a liar and she likes it so he thought he would join in as all english like it that way. DD didnt hear and still doesnt know and she is angry at me because now ppl will talk again but I cant tell her why because her self esteem is shot away as it is. He has destroyed my child and there is bugger all I can do about it. I cant take this away either but I cant let my dd know how I really feel because she needs me.

My DD is beautiful as are my other two and I cant make any one of them happy right now. I have actually hit and invisible brick wall and I dont know what to do next.

zzzzz one day we will have that mud brick dream I am still trying the euro millions but only won £6.10 I suppose that would get at least a spade :) when I do we will toast with a whole lot of :)

Coff33 I popped in to see how you were. I can't imagine what you are going through. You have been through a lot and are entitled to feel very angry with the world. You are an incredibly strong woman to keep it together this long. I hope you got into bed eventually and feel a bit better today.

It's just horrendous what your daughter has been through and makes me feel so angry that he has got away with it!! ...no wonder life is so hard for you at the moment, please try and get some family time or a break away for a day just to have a bit of a rest. Big hugs.

Ok coff
Can't rewrite zzzzz post, so re-read it! I think you've been under such strain for so long that you just kept going, and it's only now that you can absorb the feelings. Bet you didn't even get time to grieve for your uncle properly. So shite though this is, maybe it might be a good sign that things are a fraction calmer and you finally have a tiny space to feel the impact of the last few years. But obviously everyone else will try to kick off once coff takes a half hour break from being superwoman, cos you've been holding them all together.

Action plan (start at bottom!)

1. Police, to tell them that dd attacker been harassing you (community safety unit will advise you how to get an injunction to keep him out)
2. Keep logging dd issues at GP or MH team. People do recover from the most horrific situations, if she can just get enough help to stay alive for now, she will be ok one day even if it's many years away.
3. GP for you, someone in the family obviously needs a dose increase or different antidepressants or whatever, to soak up and dispose of all this awfulness, and sounds like you'd benefit.
4. Don't just joke about framing those reports, do it!
5. VAT man: do what you can, and get a professional to write, or even invite them to come and visit if they think you're just giving a sob story. it's probably not doing or even paying the VAT doing you in, it's the sheer inflexibility of the process and deadline which feels so faceless and bullying.

X x x ((((())))))

You are unhappy because you cannot make everything all right, well that's actually the fact, you, all by yourself, can't make everything right. The most important thing to do is to keep yourself healthy and sane, if you don't then you are useless to your family. Look after yourself as you would have your DD look after herself. This is a mental shift, physically you are doing all you can. You are incredibly strong but even strong people need recovery time. NO MORE BUSES! Oh, if only these posts could solve everything. (((hugs)))

I didn't realise your DD had had such a terrible experience, I am so sorry. I agree with maria about talking to local police about the visit from the scumbag rapist.

In terms of the weight loss, would she be able/willing to have build-up type drinks if ordinary food causes her discomfort?

Its no surprise that you are feeling so bad coff, you have a hell of a lot going on.

Please try to be kind to yourself, go back to your GP and try to take some time out.

I know that is easier said than done and I know what its like when your family dont help.

Honk Honk.

I can't begin to imagine your pain and I don't know what I could say to be of any real help

I'm so sorry you are feeling so lost atm. I have read many a post from you and can see that you are a strong, thoughtful and special person and have valued your words on many occasions.

Many people here feel the same as I and we are all here for you and will support and bolster you through this dark time as best we all can.

((tight hugs of strength to you))

Nothing much to add to wonderful advice .. But wanted to sit by your side and offer a back pat.
I think you are amazing