I need help before I crack

[coff33pot]

Between my DS being attacked in "fun" by a dog, being ridiculed, trying to make my family see that continuous punisment wont work but they are so hurt with things getting destroyed, broken and DS taking up all my time. He is melting down every day because I just cannot get enough excercise into him, the family wont be involved even though I have pleaded that 20 mins of their time each would help him learn that they want to play with him. Trying to form a job list for him to do to earn money to pay back what he took from his sisters (actually it was the other boy who told him too but thats beside the point he still took it even though he openly told me so) but trying to tell them all that they can earn pocket money each weekend and DS can have a wallet of his own. But during the week for every little job (or good deed even as much as opening a door nicely will earn him 20p to give to his sisters to pay back.

In two secs DS has gone from giving his sister his entire penny collection to start off to turning my house upside down saying he hates his life.

Meanwhile I have just taken DDs heart monitor back yesterday, she has had her MRI scan and waiting results. She has lost so much weight and I have seen her eating but in amongst them fighting I have left the house to collect something for DH and told them all to fight it out amongst themselves and if they are alive by the time I get home then that is a bonus :(

I cant get my paper work done and my business is failing. Try explaining all that is going on to VAT people and no wonder they think you are spinning a yarn from hell I would think that too if it wasnt all happening to me.

I see DH and cant speak for wanting to cry buy a coffee and just sit in the car. I get a text then from eldest DD telling me how much she loves me and its not good news but its a good start as she is being honest with herself, doesnt want to talk about it just admitting it to us is her first step that she has anorexia.

I drove around and put chasing cars on loud to shut out my thoughts this was mine and my uncles song when he was ill. It was his birthday 2 days ago and hes been gone 4 years this year. I miss him he was my best friend. I drove and for a split second I went straight for the front of a bus. The bus missed me and carried on going I assume he thought I was a mad holidaymaker trying to park on the other side of the road.

I feel stupid, selfish, tired, scared, useless and fucking lonely right now

Coff dont get on here much but wanted to say how very sorry i am for you, as others said your are very inspirational always offering advice and support. You and poor dd have been through a terrible traumatic time. I agree with others get onto police (though undertand you dont want to rock the boat). Hope your dd gets the help she needs. Do hope you manage to keep smiling and do what you do best, being a wonderful mum your kids are so lucky to have such an amazing caring wonderful mum. (((((((hugs))))))) xx

Hi coff, how are you feeling today? X

Hugs, don't know what to say. I know we sometimes just need 15 minutes when someone else takes over the responsibility so u can just switch your brain off. Me and my dd have dyspraxia and ASD, she also has meltdowns and will do whatever someone tells her, I know why as our brains just don't tell us we don't have to until we've done it.
Your daughter must be going thru a living hell, hope u can find a support group so she knows that she is unfortuately not the only one who has been thru this.
Sorry I'll stop waffling, hope everything gets better soon.

Coff, I don't know what to say but I can't say nothing. So sad you and your family are going through so much. I really hope you can get your dd the help she needs and things get easier for you soon.

Thinking of you all xx

Hi and thanks all of you and sorry I havent been back to reply to anyone was a mad day at work yesterday and I was finished by the time I got home. Poor DH was stressed as DS was really wound up in the end he put him in his room with a drink and sat on the other side of the door talking to him for the day as he just could not calm down so it was no break for him although he never complains.

Been a bit of a warpath day today.

DD had a meeting this morning and she didnt want to go but I forgot she was 22 and upped and took her as I felt once she was there she would open up and she was backtracking because she was scared. She did thank god but tbh I dont think it would have took much working out once they saw the sight of her since the last time they met. The counselling was to do with helping her through what has happened but because she has admitted her fears now they have officially said she has become a danger to herself in a form of controlling her body or at least subconsiously her mind is iyswim. They are referring her to a whole team of people for eating disorders so so far two steps have been made she has told me and she has told someone else who can help. :)

DS well he was in a state again today because I had to confine him to the car instead of the normal morning routine and of course forgot to remind him to use the bathroom before we went and of course there wasnt a single toilet in the vicinity of the place we went and they wouldnt let us past the security doors to use it! So by the time we got home, after teasing middle DD and reducing her to frustrated tears by repeatedly turning her game off, then he went up an upset eldest DD for no reason who really needed chilling down not winding up and just wouldnt leave the bedroom and so that reduced her to tears so he missed his swimming lesson due to it being too late to go as it was the only thing he was looking forward to and he snapped. He didnt physically hurt anyone he never does but went up to his room and smashed up all his lego models which are his pride and joy. Then went in the bathroom distressed at what he had done to his models and of course it was us that made him do it, threw the piece of lego he had left in his hand and it shatterd the whole mirror door on my cabinet :(

After the meltdown from hell he calmly walked into the kitchen took 3 cups and poored us all a cup of water and took them round to us. Looked at me and calmly said "Mum I am really trying but its so hard" walked upstairs and laid on his bed :( WHAT a day.....

What I day indeed. Are you still standing? Although it is a cliche to say that the most difficult step is to say that you have a problem, it is true and at least your DD has now done this. I really hope that she gets proper support on what will be a long and difficult journey. I am sorry that Ds is finding things so difficult at the moment too. When Ds apologises after being truly terrible it always gives me hope but doesn't make the preceding mess any easier to deal with. Hugs to you.

Thanks NoHaudin yes I am still standing just!

Went on another mission today. I had asked camhs for advice re the ADHD side as his impulsiveness has got to such a high point the poor thing isnt able to do any of his coping strategies which he was making really good progress with. I was told even though we were registered with them we would have to reapply. They would send me a form. Did they hell. After DS episode yesterday I rang them and they said "secretarial error". Bundled DS in car and drove over and was told no one was available so I requested the referral form there and then got them to photocopy his reports and then said I would sit and wait till one was available.

DS was fixated with the security door lock numbers and the secretary snottily opened the hatch and asked if I could tell my son to stop so I said "no funnily enough I cant because he is stressed and he doesnt want to be here. feel free to try and tell him yourself or put up with it till I see someone.

Was finally allowed to see someone who said they could for a couple minutes so I told them its going to take more than that I have filled in the form and I want to see someone now. Told them that their system is shit, they need new secretaries because I got 3 letters all the same day this week one said ds was on books, one said not and another told me about a meeting 3 weeks previously that I didnt even know about! Asked them if they are going to take me seriously or have I got to drive all the way back to london to get believed again. If I dont see anyone NOW then can she please babysit DS for a few days so I can put the rest of my family back together in the mean time.

Anyhow got appt this afternoon and by the time the doc took one look at poor DS and checked him over I was given the meds I am willing to try for him. So we start tomorrow. Do I want to use them for him? no but right now the boy needs a break to feel good about himself instead of wound up and I need something to help him so I can help him further. And so Round 2 endeth :)

Next!

zzzzz That link was amazing! :) I so wish!

I saw another link to a fairytale village in Russia yesterday where all the houses were fairytale houses. I will try and find it and post it here if I can as that was lovely too.

Coff...
You have helped me immensely in the past and your posts are always so kind and insightful.
I am afraid mine aren't but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and your family.
Xxxx

Wow well done for get Camhs to get their act together. I hope the meds help. I hate medicating DS but it does help to some extent and as you say he needs a break.

What else can I say? Keep on keeping on.

Thanks guys :)

I think the camhs staff received the full buckets worth of pent up pain and anger built up but someone had to be at the receiving end. DH said I took a major gamble on them thinking I was derranged and calling SS (then I am but thats besides the point). There was also no way in hell I would leave my boy with them and I would have been camping there too lol but a bluff is a bluff when needed.

DS so far this summer is struggling way to much. He cant cope with roller skating now which is his social lifeline with his Dad. He cant go out to play anymore and even swimming was bad this afternoon when he so desparately wanted to go. He is hyper and claustrophobic being stuck inside but cant cope with outside activities. He starts his new school sept and I so want it all to go right for him. They are being very supportive but at present leaving him in this state he is going to spend his days locking himself in the toilets and roaring. I know he wont hurt anyone but he is hurting himself inside with this battle.

He is picking up the visual "I need help cards" because he is too anxious to speak in a meltdown even though he is fully verbal till it blows over. He doesnt want to feel like this so I have to do something. If the meds dont work then they dont but I am hoping they do long enough for him to gain control a bit and I will keep giving him holidays off them as he hasnt had his first dose yet and I am already planning when to take him off them

Blimey coff, you work fast . 2 kids sorted in 3 days! Fingers crossed the results are as quick as getting the action plan was.

Hi coffee,
I have read your posts, but never posted to you myself, until now. Hope you don't mind.
My ds has severe ADHD & Aspergers & other co-morbid conditions. He is now 16yrs & we have had a hell of a time with him over the years, & it continues now.
I can totally empathise with how you are feeling just now, & the destruction you see in your family. I have a large family, & over the years, my other dc have been very badly affected by my ds difficulties, so have myself & my dh.
My ds has destroyed their toys/ belongings, damaged & broke many things in the house- his bedroom walls have large holes in them, & he has destroyed beds & wardrobes. My ds is also very aggressive, & this has got worse as he has got older.
I am in pieces when I see my ds & know I can't change how he is, & when I see my other dc not wanting to spend time with him, & resent the time he takes up with my dh and myself.
My ds has been medicated since he was young, & we have had varying degrees of success with it. You must Not feel guilty for trying Meds for your ds. You are right, he needs a break from constant impulsiveness & see-sawing emotions, & his siblings certainly need respite from it, as do you & dh.
You are worn out-physically & emotionally, & you are juggling too many balls.
Seriously consider stopping or taking a 6month break from work. You Will survive financially, but you won't be any help to your family if you crash & burn, & have a breakdown yourself. Similarly your dh. We did this, when what was happening in the family, was just too much for one person to cope with. We has a mortgage, but we manage on benefits & the emotional benefits out way any financial loss. I wouldn't suggest this lightly, but I have been where you are, & it is not a good place to be.
Take Care, take time for yourself when you can, & know you are a good mum, dealing with a situation that would have broken others a long time ago. x

Thank you Bigpants for giving me an insight into your family I much appreciate it as it is good to have some insight as to when our DCs are older. I often wonder how it will be but then put it at the back of my head and deal with the days as they come. :) DS is also dx with ADHD/AS & co morbids. The ADHD and sensory issues are putting this brick wall up stopping him from getting anywhere and he is desperately trying so hard.

Stopping work is impossible for us as its our own business between us and its a catch 22 situation. Got to keep going as no way could you sell in this climate its a sink or swim situation iyswim. Tbh though if I gave up totally I would go potty as the shop is my only outlet that I can absorb myself into and forget where I am for a bit :)

DD was weighed today and is now only 8st 7 so she has lost 7 more lb in 16 days. Her BMI is only 19 she has only 1 more lb to lose before she is at danger zone and underweight and if her BMI goes to 18.5 that isnt good. As she is just short of 6ft you can imagine it doesnt make a nice picture to see. No appointments have come up yet so I am hoping her councillor has organised something and can tell us on monday. She is drinking fluids and I am cramming vitamins down her and glucose tablets, but she cant hold much food before she is in agony and the more she is worrying the more upset she is and cant eat. She is talking to me but I dont know how to help or where to start and of course mum keeps saying the wrong thing. I cant say just eat because she would if she really could. I cant say go out with friends as she doesnt drink and they do and she doesnt want them to see her like this anyway let alone have the courage to go out after what happened. I just want these support groups to start so she can see she is not alone. A magic wand for this one would be really good.

On one good side DS started his meds which I dropped twice, threw one away then eventually gave him one 3 days ago. The results have been good in that he has been able to reason with us and we have not had 1 single meltdown in 3 days :) I have taken him swimming twice and I was able to have a shower there in piece and DS stayed where he was put, dried and dressed himself and packed up the bag for me even if it wall was a bit on the soggy side :)

Hard to explain but it felt for just once the adhd DS disapeared and for the first time I have seen my DS with just the Aspergers. It was crowded in the pool as we walked in and he stopped in his tracks and said "oh mum!" look!" but you will be with me if I go in wont you" I said yes but if DS has had enough then we can go again. He looked on and agreed and went in and lasted an hour before he calmly covered his ears and said "right time to go". Normally he would have looked, got bossy or hyper over it and then sensory overloaded completely with the noise. He has been able to use his sisters laptop and play a game and he went roller skating with Dad again today.

I told my Mum today about the meds and she just said "coffee I was going to suggest it as I was reading up. That all these "things" runs in our family and right now its kinder to DS" I love my Mum and I think I have done the right thing :)

Oh coff33pot you truly have strength that is awesome. Sending very best wishes for your lovely daughter and amazing son. Not brilliant with advice or words of comfort but am really hoping things are going to get much better for you all.

Thanks starfish I dont know about being awsome I think its a case of adrenalin with anti ds versus hiding under the duvet and the adrenalin is winning atm :)

Got a worrying call just now from the GP surgery on a saturday? Her MRI results are back already and the GP wants to see her next Friday as she has a few things to go over with her. DD was half asleep as she didnt get to sleep till 6am this morning so she gave me permission to speak to them.

They started with "tell her its nothing to worry about but..." then ended with I have noticed she has missed a few appointments (in hospital so couldnt attend) can you please tell her its very important that she attends this appointment. :( Now I am worried. She isnt strong enough to take any more blows.

Really hope it is nothing to worry about coff, fact appt is for next Friday is slightly reassuring as assume he would want to see her monday if urgent? Don't know but I would be bit stresssy about it too. :( Doc sounds good though.

Will your DD let you go with you? Hope so. x

Oh Coff poor you, what a hard time youve had of late one emotional rollercoaster ((((hugs)))). Well done to your ds no meltdown in 3 days and a superb day at the swimming and roller skating yipee what a star. Sorry for your DD as starfish said hope nothing to worry about im sure would be urgent ie monday if it was. What meds is your ds on (if you dont mind) my ds 11 started clonidine week ago for adhd, severe anxiety and sleep issues though so far not noticed any difference. DS not been great for 9 months now so going for admission to ferndene hospital northumbria to hopefully get some answers. Your one strong amazing mum to be going through so much at the same time hope all turns out well for you really soon xx

They did want to see her on Monday but she has another medical appointment same day so they changed it. What was worrying me was when the person said "surely she isnt working is she?" and was a bit "oh!" when I said yes she is working as she uses it to shut off. I have never had a weekend phone call either as the surgery isnt open.

So now I am playing mind games with myself that its either it was a mini stroke DD had and there is damage or something more. I would like to believe that coming back so quick its an open shut nothing wrong case but our surgery never phone up to discuss anything if all is ok as its a waste of their time.

I can hear DD moving about so she is up, time to put the happy face on :)

shazian DS started Equasym XL 10 mg which is lasts 8 hours approx. I got to monitor him though for his tics as this can exacerbate them and if so he will try atomoxetine like they suggested in london.

One is a stimulant and one isnt. EXL works straight away but the other would take a good month before any improvements.

I am supposed to up it to 20mg after a week but to be honest I am happy with the result on a low dose and dont see the necessity of giving him more if he doesnt need it. He has had no side effects apart from unsettled to sleep but when I gave him it earlier in the morning the next day he was sound asleep from 11pm till about 7am which is his norm.

Coff keep everything crossed for you that the results are ok. Hope dd ok today, really feel for you its hard smiling and happy all the time for everyone elses benefit when you are so emotionally exhausted.
So happy the meds seem to be working for your ds, agree with you though i would only up if there was no result (i am same with ds was to double dose from yesterday, which ive had 2). Hope your ds keeps making great progress as he has done within last few days. Pray that your dd gets the help she needs to get well soon, xxx