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Original poster

contemplating suicide

102 replies

wishingtobeanon · 06/06/2012 10:28

I really feel whats best for DS and I is to end our lives. However I look at him and think I can't do it. So I think I'll end my own, then I worry about what will happen to everyone if I'm not around. Do I just need guts or is it because I'm not a bad person or something else?

OP posts:
sazza76 · 06/06/2012 22:34

I've just seen this post, I can't add any more advice than everyone already has, please reach out to someone, whoever you feel able to, GP, samaritans, anyone.
Please let us know how you are, you sound incredibly depressed and believe me it can get better. There is a better way for things to improve for you and your dd. x

Original poster
wishingtobeanon · 06/06/2012 22:40

thanks everyone, believe me, there's not much that can change. I do seem to have had more down days than usual lately but I will pull through. Some of those have realised who I am and for those who haven't who do know me will think I'm daft. My life is hard but I do know others have it hard too. Think I have had a lot of added pressures on top of the usual this year and it's possibly taken it's toll, that and going stir crazy.

OP posts:
Googol · 06/06/2012 22:49

Be kind to yourself wishing and take one baby step at a time. Is there anyway you could have a day off just to do something for yourself? Or even an hour to just chill?

Have one of these Thanks and a large one of these Wine.

sazza76 · 06/06/2012 22:51

Depression can hit anyone and it isn't about who's life is the most difficult. When you get really low it's hard to see a way out, but that is the depression and that can improve. Its also hard to find any motivation to do anything when you are so low. Please talk to your GP, or any GP who you feel comfortable with. I understand your saying that things in your life can't change, but the way you feel and the way you see life can change. Sorry if i'm not explaining myself very well!

Original poster
wishingtobeanon · 06/06/2012 22:58

It's not how I see things that I can't change but the situation I am in can't change and it's the situation that brings me down. For things to improve it's DS who needs to change and he can't iyswim. So because of that I'm stuck, stuck in this situation. Life isn't what you make it, it's what others make it for you. Some things in life can't be helped, this seems to be one. I know this possibly doesn't make sense but to those who have realised who I am it might. It's basically a catch 22, no win situation, get over it and get on with it. It's not what I want so bound to get me down and the OP is all I see.

OP posts:
TheNinjaGooseIsOnAMission · 06/06/2012 23:02

you're not daft wishing, I certainly don't think that. Sometimes life is just shit, I wish I had an answer for you.

StabbyMacStabby · 06/06/2012 23:04

Nobody will think you're daft. You have a lot to deal with. It's so frustrating and relentless sometimes. I can't offer anything but sympathy, I'm sorry. Thinking of you

sazza76 · 06/06/2012 23:07

It does make sense and I don't know anything about your situation but I'm stuck in my situation too so do see what your saying. Sorry I was just wondering if you were depressed in a way that can be helped. I know depression, it's like a fog that decends and it's impossible to think clearly. When that depression went, I was still stuck but it was easier to live with. TheNinja is right, sometimes life is just shit.

starfish71 · 06/06/2012 23:09

Just wanted to say, am thinking of you and praying things improve. Hope you don't mind the prayer x

Original poster
wishingtobeanon · 06/06/2012 23:13

lol, life is shit.....................tomorrows another day, another with no time limits, so hopefully a bit easier, still stuck in the same position though. I'm gonna buy myself a few hours off soon, however apart from housework catch up, such as ironing, I wouldn't know what to do. I am lost with myself, been stuck in this rut for far too many years.

OP posts:
PipinJo · 06/06/2012 23:19

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zzzzz · 06/06/2012 23:20

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mariamariam · 07/06/2012 00:46

Another one here who's seen too much of the long term effects of suicide. Even years afterwards, the ripples keep causing damage. You are trapped currently and things are dreadful, and there isn't a magic answer. More help be it social services, education etc might well appear if you scream. I'm sure it's complex, but maybe life has a tiny bit of potential which you're too depressed to see at the moment.

You are sounding really really properly unwell-level depressed, albeit for good reasons. Luckily the treatments don't distinguish between 'anyone would be depressed in the circumstances' and 'what's she got to be low about'

zzzzz · 07/06/2012 09:18

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imogengladheart · 07/06/2012 09:53

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zzzzz · 07/06/2012 10:21

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coff33pot · 07/06/2012 11:54

Hi hope you got a good rest last night. Will be around on and off all day today.

Weather here is horrid! You would think it was November not June!

Glad you had T bags zzzzz hope the door was easily fixed. Sat here at present wondering whether to start removing ds artwork from my extension wall. Its good I have to say but would be better on paper

Fingers crossed the sun is shining where you are wishing x

shazian · 07/06/2012 15:14

wishing wasnt on mn yesterday so never saw your thread. Not much can add to what others have said but do hope you managed to contact GP samaritans or SS for some much needed help. I dont think your daft at all i think you have reached end of your tether and cant see any way forward. Hope you have managed to get some help today, sending lots of big hugs your way, hope today seems a bit more positive (((((hugs))))) xx

PipinJo · 07/06/2012 15:30

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ouryve · 07/06/2012 15:32

Hope you had a good night, wishing.

I've seen depression to awful things to people close to me. I've seen the mildest of difficulties turned into insurmountable problems for them. I've seen them robbed of their ability to even enjoy something that would make them happy if it wasn't for the depression breathing negativity all over them. Depression is a cowardly bully and is even more likely to poke at you and try to trip you up if your life is already difficult.

Even if you don't believe that the trials of everyday life can be changed all that much, you can get help with the black dog breath that's making them seem impossible right now.

I bet your DD would really like her mum back, too.

Eliza22 · 07/06/2012 16:38

Op, I cannot add anything further but I feel for you, I really do.

It won't make you feel any better but there are so many of us who are isolated and at the end of our rope, so to speak.

And now, under this government's new legislation from Feb 2012, we no longer qualify for our Blue Bage so, we haven't been over the doorstep this half term. It's virtually impossible for us. Also, due to funding cuts, we have lost our Autism outreach worker. So, we am sitting in our home, just me and ds, it's pissing it down outside and I am periodically trying st stop ds from self harming.

Thank you, David Cameron.

detoxneedednow · 07/06/2012 18:10

OP, I am probably not in the same situation as you, but I have certainly been severly depressed and have definitely thought about taking my own life in the past. I'm glad that nobody on here has just told you to snap out of it etc, because, as anyone who's suffered this as badly as you are right now will know, those kind of comments are absolutely pointless. It's impossible to snap out of it. When you feel this way, when someone says this, they might as well say something like why can't you walk on water? So I completely understand how hopeless and difficult everything feels right now.

The biggest and most important thing you need to know though is not to feel guilty in any way for being in this dreadful place. It isn't a place you have to be in. Yes your life will always be harder than the average parents, but with the right help you can start to feel better.

Do you have a good circle of friends? Just one good friend or family member would do. I know and understand it's not easy to be able to form friendships when you're in such an isolating situation, but I hope there's someone you can trust.

Your life matters, your son's life matters. You are better off alive. You deserve to be here. You deserve to be happy again. You will be happy again.

Thinking of you x

TheLightPassenger · 07/06/2012 18:14

If the OP is who I think it is, she does have a particularly difficult set of circumstances to deal with, and the respite issue isn't straightforward. I do agree with Ourvye though, that it is still worth going to the GP for yourself, some help - medication? counselling? may make life feel a bit more bearable.

budgieshell · 07/06/2012 19:11

I like all the positive advice and love coming from all you MN'ers. I can't possibly add any thing more but wish you all the luck in getting the help you so desperatly need. Lots of love to you and your children.

dietstartstmoz · 07/06/2012 19:44

OP another one here sending you a hug. Hope you can go to your GP and ask for help. I dont know your circumstances but i do have a son with ASD. I have had some very dark days. I know how fucking unfair life can seem at times. I hope you can talk to someone and get some practical help and keep talking on mn.