contemplating suicide

[wishingtobeanon]

I really feel whats best for DS and I is to end our lives. However I look at him and think I can't do it. So I think I'll end my own, then I worry about what will happen to everyone if I'm not around. Do I just need guts or is it because I'm not a bad person or something else?

Hope you are ok, keep talking on here, i know things a tough for you right now and it often seems like things wont get any better.

Phone your GP and phone SS (sometimes it takes a suicide threat to get them to listen to you, its not how it should be but sadly its the case).

You know that your dd needs you right now (as well as ds), hopfully things will get easier and you will get more help (i know its tricky with your situation with ds). Wish i could offer more advice but i don't know what its like living in your shoes .

you've done the hardest thing already, taking the chance that people you don't know (ie US) will care enough to support you - and we do!

now, what about those who are PAID to support you? like PPs have said, please tell GP/SS how you are feeling - you all deserve better

and i've got really fat arms so those hugs are massive

huge hugs to you and your family x

Please call someone. You have taken a brave step already by posting your feelings so just make one more call to your GP.

This is because you do have guts to SURVIVE the hell you are in right now. Ending things wont end your familys turmoils. Appointments will still be missed, your lovely boy still wont like his garden.

All it will leave is added issues of non-understanding, confusion, heartbreak and nightmares that never go away. Sorry to be bluntly honest but from experience I can honestly say it is not the answer xx

I dont know you or your circumstances other than that you have reached a huge wall right now to climb. Phone that GP now and keep posting here x

sorry for comparing.........I didn't mean to, just trying to say I know I'm not the only one x

You're the only one contemplating suicide right at this moment, which means that RIGHT NOW things are worse for you than any of us, regardless of th comparatives.

You don't have to apologise for th way you feel or play it down. Things are obviously currently too overwhelming for you to manage and you need help.

it makes me sound pathetic!! I'm not normally and can and do cope with a hell of a lot.

No, you don't sound pathetic at all. You do sound depressed and to be honest it would be strange if you didn't feel that way, being stuck in the house because your ds can't leave it plus all the other demands of his care and dd's care. Click on the link herewww.samaritans.org/ - you can contact them by phone or email, whatever you feel most comfortable with. There is help there and things can get better. You're not the only one who has felt this way but you are the one who needs some respite right now and to be the one getting not just giving support. Please ring the samaritans or ring 999. We are here for you but you need someone there with you in person as well.

Not pathetic at all, just human, we all have our limits and you've reached yours.

As coff said it really isn't the answer to anything. Samaritans are fantastic, I know this from personal experience, GP- emergency appt.

There is no shame or blame in residential schooling, we are looking into it with ds1(12) as he is becoming to just to bloody violent at home for us to manage, the schools wouldn't exist if they weren't needed.

I can't stress enough GET HELP, ending it is not the answer.

I dont see pathetic. I see a strong woman and Mum that has dealt and coped with a huge amount of stress for a long time.

Its a low ebb right now and its take care of yourself time x

everyone has a limit, and you've exceeded yours for the time being, OP

please don't try to push yourself any further

Feelings of guilt about you ability to cope or not won't help.

It is unrealistic to suggest there is anyone who can cope with everything and chances are someone who IS coping has a very different life to you even if the surface looks the same.

I think most of us here DO know where you are at, and can see it as a possibility for ourselves, and we may well have come close too. That's why you must believe that there is no shame or pathetic-ness in what you are experiencing.

nc here too.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this low OP. I know I've thought seriously about suicide when dealing with DS's SN and I'm sure it's not uncommon.

I have to say I'm not sure how much Samaritans really helped me - I wanted practical help, I was sick of the lack of hope for DS and me and having to deal with so much on my own (single mum). So having someone at the end of a phone line listening but not able to actually do much, wasn't a massive help. 999 is actually more useful from a practical pov because it has to go on your records, which affects how agencies deal with you.

DS is in residential school now - more because of his own needs which can't be met locally, but it's made a massive difference to both of us. DS finally gets all the provision he needs, without additional fighting, and the school is a specialist so I'm not constantly having to monitor provision and trying to explain his needs to inexperienced staff. Residential school is absolutely not a failure - in fact he's doing much better there than if I'd kept my head down and insisted he continue in local provision.

Definitely go to your GP - I didn't realise it at the time, but it's a very useful trigger for getting action on your case from SS, LEA etc. Not always in the most sympathetic way (it's very, very intrusive) but it will get you practical support in situations that might otherwise get dismissed. I took ADs but it takes a while for them to kick in. I think they're useful for keeping you going, though - and there are many different types now, so if one doesn't work well for you, keep asking for a different type.

I've heard some parents say on here that they don't want evidence of MH issues appearing on their records in case it's used against them, but I think in severe cases like this, it's actually more useful to have it on your records.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Agree with the others that some sort of more specialised placement, whether it's 100% residential or a compromise would help you all, but obviously it's not quick or easy to get this arranged.

Your life and your children's lives are important. believe me if you go to,the GP or tell your child's social worker how you are feeling now and ask for it to be documented they will listen and help you. My son went into residential but home at weekends. He is thriving now and I am a different person from when I was at crisis point. Tell your GP how you are feeling. unfortunately it often takes a crisis to get services moving and to get the practical help you need. Pick up the phone and make a appointment straight away with GP or just turn up at the surgery..Please take care of yourself

Wishing (hugs). Please tell your GP and SW.

Pipin is right many LAs only operate at the level of critical need now, so being honest and saying it is critical is the only way to get things moving.
I guess it will be intrusive, but often in these situations once people actually understand what you have been dealing with their reaction is 'i don't know how you have managed so long' not 'why can't you manage'.
I hope you feel able to ask for help and that people respond properly for a change.
And just try to get as much sleep as you can and leave anything that can be left. Usually when I feel like I am about to fall off a cliff its because I am exhausted.
And I think most of us have been in a bad place more than we admit.
Is there a local carers charity? They may be able to help / advocate for you.

I can echo what everyone else says, talk to someone, gp, samaritans ... someone who can listen to you, and someone who you can talk to about you and what you need.

You are not pathetic, you are overwhelmed, and everyone has times when they are overwhelmed, and often when circumstances aren't half as tough.

I hope you find someone to help you through this.

And please,please keep letting it all out on here, just having somewhere to pour it all will help.

Wishing - how did you get on? Did you ring someone? Hope things have got better as the day has gone on.

Wishing, please, please, if you haven't already, go shout and scream at anyone who can possibly help you. Your GP, your Social worker - anyone. Tell them exactly how serious it is and tell them exactly what you've told us.

I bet if you knew someone in the same situation, you'd be able to take a dispassionate look at what they're going through and, amongst other things, observe that it's bloody obvious they're knackered, because they're giving all the time and no person can be a bottomless pit of giving with nothing back for themselves and no one to hold them steady.

[hugs]

And do keep talking here. As much as you need to.

Has your son got aspergers my 13 year old son has ...he doesnt like leaving the house and goign to appoitments etc....i know itis tough and the future can be hazy....please stop and think .......thinking of you .....