Relationship advice really needed please

[notsurewhatodo]

Most of you will probably know who i am, but have namechanged for this.

I have 9 year ds ASD and have been with dp for about 2 and half years. Dp has 2 children, both ASD and younger than my ds.

Dp had to fight to get access to his children for a long time and recently he has been able to see them and they have been coming to stay at weekends.

Now for the problem, dp's kids really are lovely kids, both have quite mod/severe ASD, i have grown quite fond of them and vice versa. But their behaviour is my ds's worst nightmare, all the things he has difficulties with they do (obviously they cant help it)

They make lots of noise, although ds can cope with noise in short burst, he cannot cope with it for a weekend.

They are very messy eaters, food ends up all over the floor whenever they eat. Ds has a food phobia and extremely restricted diet.

They are very unpredictable, one minute sitting down quietly, next jumping and running and making noise. Ds doesnt like younger children at the best of times because they are so unpredictable.

They touch him (in a nice way) but he cannot stand unexpected touch.

When stressed ds engages in self injurious behaviour, not a temper kind of self injurious behaviour, but a quiet almost secret way. He has been doing it for years, long before dp. But in times of stress it gets worse.

So when dp's kids are here for the weekend, ds locks himself in his room, refuses to eat and his self injurious behaviour has got worse (he also gets very stressed by school and i am currently dealing with this) but home is usually ds's 'safe haven'.

Ds is very vocal in that he doesnt like dp's children and exactly what it is he doesnt like about them ie as above.

This weekend dp has gone to stay with his children at his parents house, as ds has had a really rough week and i didnt feel he could cope with this on top, but he is not happy about doing this. They are overcrowded etc, etc.

Dp thinks given time ds will get used to it. We have tried it now for 4 months and its not getting better, its getting worse. I think its unfair to expect ds to be able to cope.

I need to tell dp that this is not working and that i dont think his children will be able to keep coming here. He is obviously going to resent me for this. Or do i just tell him our relationship is over.

How often do they stay? And for how long?

Notsure, think of it this way, if you and DP had another child together, but your DS found it hard to cope with a noisy and potentially ASD baby, how would you deal with that?

I think you that can't expect your DP to choose your DS over his own DC. If he did choose your DS, that would always be the elephant in the room. It might eat away at your relationship.

I feel really sorry for you, you have obviously tried with your DP's DC but is it something you didn't expect to have to deal with? There are often problems with step families without 3x SN in the mix. Your DS's needs seem to be trumping your SDSs', your DP is bound to find that difficult to understand. Would step-families board be able to help you with advice as well?

Every other weekend, from Sat am until Sun evening. Ds dreads it, he is already worrying about the next visit, before they have even left.

I have done the usual timetables so he knows when they are coming, when they are going etc.

I have put a lock on the outside and inside of his bedroom door, so he can have 'quiet, getting away' time. The lock on the outside, so they cannot mess his room up, they throw things around etc. He was worried they would mess up his very orderly bedroom.

Dp says that i cannot just keep removing things that ds cant tolerate. I understand where he is coming from, but ds isnt managing to cope, im not sure what else i can do.

Do i give this more time?

I think you're just feeling helpless and backed into a corner. Not a reason to end a relationship if the rest of it is working.

Things do progress and change and ASD is a developmental disorder not a halt, for all of them.

Perhaps you need to start a desentisisation programme for your DS, first weekend they are around for just half an hour and progress from there. You DS needs to be given strategies to cope and ways of getting away if he needs.

Is there something you and he can do away from the house for one of the days? Can you give him some say/control over the other boys i.e where they have to sit, what should be put out of their reach, what time their favourite video gets put on so he can have some down time? When they should eat if separately? Involve him in some solutions?

oh, that is a really tough one. I sympathise. dd1 cannot cope with all the things you list either - it would be her worst nightmare.

is it every weekend that your dp's children come? maybe one compromise is that they come to you every second weekend, and go to his parents the other ones?

this is a really hard one, because (and I do not think for a seocnd you are suggesting anything like it) I have seen this from the other side - the dad who does not get 'given' enough time with his children, and I cannot imagine that I woudl be with dh if it had been impossible to see his children when it was 'his' time with them.

what is the understanding level of your dp's children? I ask because dd1 is 'severe', and yet we have behaviour expectations and always have done( I do understand that sometimes it is not possible in the same way). in times when she could not achieve this, then it might be the case that eg dh and visitors would be in one room, and I would be in another with dd1 so that she could not continue with whatever was unacceptable, until she did learn. this of course may not be possible for your dp's children, but it might be.

whilst it is all very well for you all to expect your ds (who seemingly functions on a higher level, outwardly) to 'get used to' the situation, the other two shoudl also have a list of things to get used to - like maybe the not touching (I get this is about small child fiddling/absent minded touching - this would tip dd1 over the edge). It needs to be a two-sided approach to everyone adjusting, not just your ds.

food wise - would marking out the table help for your ds? eg they have a 'side' where it can be messy, and your ds can have a side which is not? I know he has difficulties even with seeing food spilt etc, but this might be one to work towards?

could there be a similar space, downstairs, that is just your ds'? a 'safe space' for him to go to, where he doesn't have to withdraw totally, but also knows that no one except him goes there, so he can 'get away' from the touching and noise (a bit)?

noise wise - would he wear ear defenders? we have managed to get dd1 to wear them sometimes (she is incredibly defensive about her ears, and so it was no mean feat), and we have found that when she wears them at a time of high noise (I am talking about eg a music festival here, so very loud) she does it for 10 minutes or so, then takes them off, but has almost acclimatised to the noise, and is then not so bothered. so it might not be a case of your ds wearing them all the time - it gives him the control, he can wear them and have less noise, or he can take them off if he feels up to it for a bit.

oh, x-post with loads of people who have probably all said it better than me!

on the food spilt at mealtimes front - don't you have a dog? could you turn it around so that your ds sees anything landing on the floor as the dog's share (without of course turning it into a 'chuck the food down for the dog' game), so that it might be more acceptable to him?

I agree that you cannot simply restrict your DP's children from coming over. Valid point that if you had another child and it stressed our your DS, you'd cope, so this truly isn't that much different.

Have you thought about building "break points" into the day? For example, rather than sending your DH out with his children somewhere (like his parents), you plan specific activities into each day that will give your DS a break from the other children, while also planning activities during the day that integrate your DS and DP's children together, so he learns to be a bit more used to them.

Perhaps you taking your DS for a walk, to the library, to a shop, out into the back garden, or something like that can be scheduled so there is a clear time he knows he won't have to cope with them. But then plan some "family time" into it, using activities your DS likes to help him associate some good things with your DP's children as well.

Ellen, i can see dp's point of view totally. Im not asking him to choose, just to make other arrangements i suppose. The children stay at his parents house on fridays, we then pick them up from there on sat. Its a 2 and half hour round trip each time. Then 2 and half hour round trip again on Sunday. Something else that ds hates, he gets travel sick. Dp doesnt drive, so we all have to go.

I feel terrible, i dont know what to do. Obviously if i tell him, his children cannot come here, it would be the end of our relationship, even if he agreed and made other arrangements.

We have tried for 4 months, ds just locks himself in his room, refuses to eat and damages himself quite badly.

If we had another baby, i suppose the process would be more gradual.

Dp's children, one minute didnt come here, then next they are sleeping here. It wasnt done gradually, not mine or dp's fault. Just it has to be this way or no way.

I doubt step families would, i dont find much understanding of sn's out of the sn's topics.

Actually, if you had a baby, it would be pretty sudden. One day, you're pregnant. Day you come home from hospital, wailing baby 24 hours a day.

If your DS gets carsick, why don't you have him stay home with DP and you pick up DP's children?

Star helpless is exactly how i am feeling, i know its unreasonable of me to say to dp your kids cant come, but i dont know what else to do.

They HAVE to come from sat to sun. They live too far away. Or do you mean bringing ds out of his room for half and hour?

Dp would find it very hard to cope with the 2 of them, without me. One of them is glued to me from the minute he comes, until he leaves, bless. He will scream if i leave the room (they are obviously finding it difficult too). We have safety gates to stop them from going upstairs and into the kitchen, no danger awareness at all.

I cant even tell the other children where to sit etc, their understanding is very limited. I have tried the eating seperately, but ds just refuses to eat. He wont leave his room while they are here.

What is the rest of the relationship like? How is he with DS the rest of the time? How is he with you?

This will probably sound awful, but I could imagine myself 'choosing' my children over a relationship. Ie I think what you describe is a valid reason to break up :(

But then, obviously, that's easy for me to say...

Triggles thats not a bad idea, i could pick them up from his mums, but i couldnt drop them off, his ex wouldnt allow that.

I do lots of activities, play doh, drawing, cooking etc with dp's children, well one of them, who is glued to me, he loves it, but its chaos, lots of throwing of things and dropping everything onto the floor. Ds cannot tolerate that.

Ds doesnt get a break, because neither do i. They are handful (in the nicest possible way). It would be impossible for me to say to dp look after both of them, while i do something with ds for half and hour.

Silver, yes we have a dog, but he only hoovers up big bits, he wont eat the smaller bits. Dp's kids would see it as a game and everything would go to the dog!

Level of children, very limited communication, PECS etc. Very limited understanding. Lots of just repeating what you say. Im making real progress with one, the one who has become my best bud, he responses really well to visual timetables etc, etc.

I dont think he would wear ear defenders, although i did think about music and ear phones.

Right so the general opinion i need to work on this more and not just give up.

Triggles a baby is immobile, a baby doesnt eat food, a baby doesnt touch, wel unless you go near it. At least for a good few months anyhow. Ds would have to cope with the noise.

This what i meant by more gradual. But i totally get what people are saying, if these were my own children, i couldnt just say dont come here. I appreciate that. I appreciate it is unreasonable of me to ask dp not to bring his children here.

I was feeling pretty helpless, i am the solution finder, i always have a solution, a plan and i dont now.

Indigo, i will always choose ds over any relationship, it would be a shame as dp is good with ds and i do love him, but if ds continues to not be able to cope, i dont know what else i can do.

Maybe 4 months isnt a long enough time, maybe i need to try a bit harder.

Will get a pen and paper and write down the suggestions already made. Thanks guys, much appreciated.

Ok, one other thing. Could your DP learnt to drive?

That might help a lot, as at least DS wouldn't have to drive to pick them up.

But you're saying DS would have to cope with the noise of a new baby. Surely that would take time, just like it's going to take time with your DP's children. It's not like with a new baby you can say "okay, well it can't be at home anymore", so you can't really do that with your DP's children either. I think with DP's and children, it really has to be all or nothing in that regard.

Can your DS cope with being around just one of them at a time? For example, the one that is rather "attached" to you? While your DP does an activity with the other child? Then switch off and have DS be with DP and the other child for a bit. That way he's learning to cope with them in smaller doses.

And if you can pick them up, then that's at least one less trip that your DS has to make in the car, right? Which means he starts the weekend out less stressed than usual, which I would think can only help the situation.

I'm curious. What would your DP do if you two weren't in a relationship? Wouldn't he have to cope with both of his children on his own? Perhaps that's something that needs to be worked on as well, so that you can take your DS for outings while DP's children are there.

If at all possible, I think part of helping him cope with your DP's children will also mean getting him to willingly interact with them and get to know them better. If you can take time to think of things that he might enjoy doing that the other children can be introduced to or that is feasible to do 2 at a time (your DS and one of DP's child, then the other), it might give him some time with them that is less chaotic, and then he may be less stressed around them.

I agree that your DP learning to drive is probably a good option as well. If finances are a concern in this regard, I believe Family Fund will contribute to driving lessons.

Indigo, money is very tight at the moment, saving for much more important things, without giving too much away.

Right i need to work on a plan. Here is the situation.

What tends to happen is dp's children come and literally take over. Very demanding and need lots of attention.

We have one kid - all he wants to do is sit and watch TV, he will scream and get very distressed if you try to get him to do something else. He wont leave the front room. So dp stays in there, as he cant be left alone, no danger awareness etc.

Other kid, wants to be doing something constantly and will scream if dp goes anywhere near him. He wants to be with me all the time. So i tend to keep him amused with activities.

Ds locks himself in his room, rarely leaves it when they are here.

One of other kids will follow timetables, the other wont.

Triggles yes ds would have to cope with the noise of a new baby, but not all the others things as well at the same time, is my point. Yes i have acknowledged it is unreasonable of me to expect dp to make other arrangements, if i want this relationship to continue.

It would be difficult for dp and i just to swap kids, as dp's kids are obviously finding the situation stressful too. The one that is attached to me, will not leave my side, he will just scream. This then has a knock on effect to the other one and then he will just scream. So dp and one are constantly in the front room watching TV. Other one and me are constantly doing things.

We need to make some compromises. Its so difficult trying to deal with 3 kids who are all finding the situation very stressful and you tend to be dealing with the screaming, no sense of danger kid and making them happy, rather than the kid who is sitting quietly in his room.

~Triggles sorry missed the rest of your post.

If dp didnt have me, he would have his mum, sisters, cousins, aunts, brothers etc to help him cope. A large close family.

They dont want to interact with ds, they are quite happy doing their own thing. They show no interest in ds, other than the random touching.

One at a time is how we are currently dealing with it and that is chaos, you blink and something is thrown or tipped out or pushed over etc, etc.

LOL Our house can be complete chaos sometimes as well. We do regularly try to shake things up a bit to see if doing different things works better. Sometimes we hit upon something good, other times not.

If your DP is at a point where he is willing to learn to drive, even though finances are tight, you can check with charities like Family Fund as they will help with this. At least then your DH could do all the picking up and dropping off.

I did a smell session the last time they were here, herbs, spices and other smellies on the table, one will be dropped, i pick it up and 3 have been tipped out in the time its taken me to pick up the dropped one! Then we have "no tipping, just smelling" he says to me "sorry darling" obviously a learnt phrase!

Ds cannot tolerate mess, so including him would be good for him ie a bit of mess isnt the end of the world, but again it has to be gradually, he cant cope with full on and these kids dont do things by halves!

Maybe i should try to run sessions, one at a time for everyone, but one wont leave the front room and ds wont leave his room and the other will scream if he leaves my side and then the other will scream, then ds certainly wont come out of his room!

I need to split myself in 3 to help all of them at the same time.

Thanks everyone for all your advice, i have written it down and will try to plan next visit, a bit better and see how it goes.

I am getting the impression you are single handed looking after 3 kids? Is your DP fully hands on or leaving you to it? Can you go out with the three of them? If 2 adults:3 kids is still not working what about investigating social services support e.g. direct payments to have a helper for a few hours? Make outings more viable? Or look for a volunteer? Or could one of these family members come and help out? Even allowing for the different needs you just sound outnumbered.