Relationship advice really needed please

[notsurewhatodo]

Most of you will probably know who i am, but have namechanged for this.

I have 9 year ds ASD and have been with dp for about 2 and half years. Dp has 2 children, both ASD and younger than my ds.

Dp had to fight to get access to his children for a long time and recently he has been able to see them and they have been coming to stay at weekends.

Now for the problem, dp's kids really are lovely kids, both have quite mod/severe ASD, i have grown quite fond of them and vice versa. But their behaviour is my ds's worst nightmare, all the things he has difficulties with they do (obviously they cant help it)

They make lots of noise, although ds can cope with noise in short burst, he cannot cope with it for a weekend.

They are very messy eaters, food ends up all over the floor whenever they eat. Ds has a food phobia and extremely restricted diet.

They are very unpredictable, one minute sitting down quietly, next jumping and running and making noise. Ds doesnt like younger children at the best of times because they are so unpredictable.

They touch him (in a nice way) but he cannot stand unexpected touch.

When stressed ds engages in self injurious behaviour, not a temper kind of self injurious behaviour, but a quiet almost secret way. He has been doing it for years, long before dp. But in times of stress it gets worse.

So when dp's kids are here for the weekend, ds locks himself in his room, refuses to eat and his self injurious behaviour has got worse (he also gets very stressed by school and i am currently dealing with this) but home is usually ds's 'safe haven'.

Ds is very vocal in that he doesnt like dp's children and exactly what it is he doesnt like about them ie as above.

This weekend dp has gone to stay with his children at his parents house, as ds has had a really rough week and i didnt feel he could cope with this on top, but he is not happy about doing this. They are overcrowded etc, etc.

Dp thinks given time ds will get used to it. We have tried it now for 4 months and its not getting better, its getting worse. I think its unfair to expect ds to be able to cope.

I need to tell dp that this is not working and that i dont think his children will be able to keep coming here. He is obviously going to resent me for this. Or do i just tell him our relationship is over.

Triggles, he has tried, before they came for the first time, i gave him a list of questions to ask. I had read their statements, so wanted to know things such as

how do their sensory difficulties affect them - mum didnt know what he meant by sensory.

how do we move them on from repetitive behaviours - i dont know

Can we have a copy of the PEC's they use in school - no, they dont use them at home.

Mum took it as a huge criticism and dp had to apologise, dp is scared that she will stop access again, so he just doesnt ask anymore.

Would also add we also asked if there was anything we needed to get for them before they came. We were told no. She forgot to mention the no sense of danger and we would need gates, plug sockets covered etc, etc, that they throw/spill cannot drink from a cup and need lids. That they wet the bed and need plastic covers. She dropped them off to his mum's in their school uniform and no clothes.

She is also often not there when we drop them home and we have to sit and wait.

um, well.. I don't know how to move DS2 from repetitive behaviours, so I can see where that's really not something anyone can specifically answer unless it's for a particular situation.

I was more looking along the lines of what routines they have at home, so they can be followed at your house as well, to ease the transition. What things they particularly enjoy. What things calm them down. Just basic stuff. These are things that you would need to know about ANY child that would be staying regularly at your house, not just those with SNs.

No offence, but he's their father. He doesn't seem to know much about them, not does he seem to be able to cope with them both. If he has parental responsibility, can't he simply contact their school and ASK for a copy of the PECs they use with the children? All he'd have to do is explain that he wants to use them when the children are at his house to make it easier for them.

And I think Mum and your DP are going to need to bite the bullet and communicate better. They're adults, after all. Yes, it might be stressful, and frankly, if I was handed a list of questions like that, I might get a bit stroppy as well. Can't you just TALK to her? Surely she wants the children to have the best transition possible so they are not distressed. I would think approaching her from that angle would be helpful.

sigh... I understand it's not an ideal situation. But then, really, that's life. We all struggle with this type of thing unfortunately.

Triggles, i dont mean to sound harsh, the woman obviously has her hands full. We are all guilty of doing anything for a quiet life sometimes. That is not a criticism of anyone. She might well just know what they want without using PEC's or not need to know how sensory difficulties affect them. She might just be very good at understanding her children and know exactly what to do.

But i dont, is my point and neither does dp. He hadnt seen them for years.

What they enjoy, what to do in a meltdown, what they dont like etc, etc was also on the list. I gave ds the list, as he doesnt really understand ASD and didnt know what to ask. He spoke to her on the phone, he didnt hand her a list.

He was supposed to be going to parents evening, he took the day off of work to go, she was supposed to call him to give him the time. She ignored his texts and phone calls. He is walking on egg shells.

He would not dare just contact the school, without her permission. He is petrified that she will stop access again.

How old are your DP's children? Those precautions are fairly stock-standard in any household with children under five, let al

5 & 6

How old are your DP's children? Those household precautions are fairly stock-standard in any household with children under five, let alone one with kids that have special needs. She doesn't really need to give you her rouine because you guys will have to come up with one that suits your particular needs, not hers. Do you have a set time for returning the children to their mother or just return them on an as needs basis? Maybe agreeing on one time each and every week would make it easier for both you and her to commit to it ( and also give less opportunity for claiming to be unsure what that time was).

Sorry, pressed post button accidentally on first one...

Same time every week. All 3 find sitting in the car waiting very stressful. Dp texts as we are leaving and again about 15 minutes before we get there, as a reminder.

I didnt expect her routines, just some info would have been really helpful. The plan was to start off with, dp would go there once a week for the day, to get to know them and vice versa, he hadnt seen them for years. Building up to mum going out and leaving dp for a short period. Then dp taking them on a short trip to nanny's house, so nan could get to know them. Then ds and i would go to nan's house to meet them, once they got used to nan's house.

Dp met them twice. After 2 weeks they were staying at nans on a friday (without ever having gone there before or meeting nan) and staying here sat and sun (same as above)

Its all been handled really badly. Still no point crying over split milk. Its not the end of the world, but i am struggling.

Given the circumstances, I can see why your dh wants to carry on in the hopes things will settle. It sounds likely that the current worsening is their 'real' response to a transition, and it's early days to see how things will be after they've got used to stuff.

Of course, your big difficulty is how to protect your dc from the adverse consequences of all this upheaval and stress, which is a big problem even if things improve later. I'm wondering about the options which might allow your dh to see his dc, whilst allowing you and your DS to be less disrupted by it. Ideas I'm thinking of are you &ds (or just DS?) at a grandparent for some or all of the weekend; a very very tightly ordered timetable (including all his favourite things) and which never ever changes

Overnight stays, let alone without the familiar parent, let alone with asd dc, tend to be tricky. And this seems to have been badly planned (am not saying that to be critical of either your dh or the ex, have myself done plenty of badly planned visits to relatives... should really have learned by now)

Might it save stress to have her pick them up from somewhere they like, near the house, the local swings or something? (providing they're safe outdoors obviously). Rain or shine, same thing every time....

no contact with school wd be sorted if dad or nan could pick them up on a Friday... tho if they're used to the bus it might throw them