Relationship advice really needed please

[notsurewhatodo]

Most of you will probably know who i am, but have namechanged for this.

I have 9 year ds ASD and have been with dp for about 2 and half years. Dp has 2 children, both ASD and younger than my ds.

Dp had to fight to get access to his children for a long time and recently he has been able to see them and they have been coming to stay at weekends.

Now for the problem, dp's kids really are lovely kids, both have quite mod/severe ASD, i have grown quite fond of them and vice versa. But their behaviour is my ds's worst nightmare, all the things he has difficulties with they do (obviously they cant help it)

They make lots of noise, although ds can cope with noise in short burst, he cannot cope with it for a weekend.

They are very messy eaters, food ends up all over the floor whenever they eat. Ds has a food phobia and extremely restricted diet.

They are very unpredictable, one minute sitting down quietly, next jumping and running and making noise. Ds doesnt like younger children at the best of times because they are so unpredictable.

They touch him (in a nice way) but he cannot stand unexpected touch.

When stressed ds engages in self injurious behaviour, not a temper kind of self injurious behaviour, but a quiet almost secret way. He has been doing it for years, long before dp. But in times of stress it gets worse.

So when dp's kids are here for the weekend, ds locks himself in his room, refuses to eat and his self injurious behaviour has got worse (he also gets very stressed by school and i am currently dealing with this) but home is usually ds's 'safe haven'.

Ds is very vocal in that he doesnt like dp's children and exactly what it is he doesnt like about them ie as above.

This weekend dp has gone to stay with his children at his parents house, as ds has had a really rough week and i didnt feel he could cope with this on top, but he is not happy about doing this. They are overcrowded etc, etc.

Dp thinks given time ds will get used to it. We have tried it now for 4 months and its not getting better, its getting worse. I think its unfair to expect ds to be able to cope.

I need to tell dp that this is not working and that i dont think his children will be able to keep coming here. He is obviously going to resent me for this. Or do i just tell him our relationship is over.

No, you don't need to split yourself in 3, you just need to make sure your DP is involved as well. That's something we struggle with here as well.

If you're looking at trying to get them doing messy play and one is not keen on mess, can you do "messy" with something that is typically not neat anyway? Just make it more messy IYSWIM. DS2 doesn't like getting his hands dirty, but will tolerate finger painting and painting now much better. Water play is clean play that can still be messy with waterguns, sprinklers, water play tables. DS2 & DS3 love playing with their water guns in the bath, although your DS may be a bit old for that. But maybe not - set up a target for him to hit or toys along one end of the tub to knock over - no big deal if some water gets on the floor, it mops up.

Baking's a good "messy play" thing as well. Icing and decorating fairy cakes or sugar cookies. Bread pudding's a good one to make as you're tearing up bread and mixing in stuff so it gets a bit gloopy. And nothing wrong with using hands to mix as long as they're washed well prior to mixing. We do these things with DS2 sometimes to help him try to enjoy getting a bit messy sometimes - I imagine it's sensory related.

What if you tried some activities one on one with your DS when DP's children are not there, and then engaged him to help out while you and he did the activity again with one of DP's children?

It sounds like you have three children who essentially need one to one attention for most of the time and there are only two adults available. Is there anyone else who could help you out for some of the time at weekends so that either you can still have some one on one with your ds or someone else your ds trusts who can give him some time out? I know you said dp's family are a couple of hours' drive away but also that they are supportive and close so perhaps that could only be an occasional option that one of them came to help out. I know there are "buddy schemes" run by local councils for respite purposes. Example of a scheme here: www.n-somerset.gov.uk/Social+care/Disabilities/Children/thebuddyscheme.htm
Also some charity oraganisations to support carers like crossroads (just seen now called carers trust - link here:www.carers.org/merger
I don't know if any of that would help but might be worth looking into.

Hi notsure, i dont have any advice for you i am sorry but i just wanted to say i have been in a similar situation this year.

I offered to look after my DGD monday to friday term time from september to july. This was to enable her to attend school nursery at Dd3's school. It is a very long story but the main point is that Dd3 absolutely hates it.

It has been really difficult and at times i have felt like throwing the towel in but i havent. Mainly because the SENCO at their school said to me that Dd3 needs to start to learn to wrk through some of her problems, instead of me always sorting them out for her.

She has had panic attacks, vomitted, shouted,ranted, you name it. But she has begun to cope with it. She still moans at DGD but she is fairly immune to it now. She uses an ipod when she is finding the noise difficult.

I know its not the same because i dont have DGD at night but i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that maybe with time your Ds might become more accepting.

Good luck

Agnes the other 2 children dont live here, just visiting, would we still get help? They are only here for sat am to sun pm, every other weekend, sounds like such a short time to have so many problems!

Outings - we walked to the shop the other day (5 minutes away). One had to stop and look at every car number plate, the other one and ds got impatience, so had to leave me and other one behind. So i can imagine what a day out would be like.

Dp is really trying to be hands on, he just doesnt know how to. The one who is attached to me, is doing really well, he will follow timetables, use timers etc, etc. He will scream, if i am away from him, wont let dp do anything for him etc. He used to be just very obsessive and just engage in repetitive behaviours 24/7. We now do loads, as he follows his timetable. I could try introducing playing with dad, but then i would still have to be with the other one.

The one who just wants to sit in the front room, TV is his obsession, his repetitive behaviour, is the one that dp watches (as other one doesnt want anything to do with him), he tries to get him to follow timetables etc, but he is not very good at it. He gives up easily, when he screams and then doesnt bother trying to repeat once he has calmed down.

Then we have ds, who doesnt really get a look in, because we both already have our hands full.

So the weekend is spent with me doing lots of activities with one, dp sitting in the front room with the other and ds locked in his room.

All children but one, engaged in repetitive behaviours, where they are feeling stressed out by the situation.

Triggles - ds just doesnt want to be around them, so i firstly need to get him to tolerate even being in the same room as them. They can take or leave ds, they dont pay any attention to him.

Ds and i do lots together when the other kids are not here. Same as the one that is attached to me does loads when he is here too. The one that is with dp sits and watches tv and thats it.

I have plenty of ideas for activities, we just cant all seem to be doing at the same time!

Thanks Pink for the link, not sure that we would qualify though, as kids are only here for a short time?

A extra pair of hands is exactly what is needed. His family are very supportive, if they kids are there, everyone helps out. But i doubt they would come home with us.

discipline your front room. Have it completely child proof. Maybe with a lockable cupboard or something so that things can live in there, but the child can be left alone with TV.

Introduce headphones for the TV-watching child (ideally wireless). Then that child can watch TV while your son can - if he wants - be in the same room.

Lots of being outside - parks can be good, especially if they have only one exit. Definitely ear defenders for your Ds.

Allow it to take a lot of time (I know families where the introduction of a new sibling took a good 18 months, full time, to settle down... and I don't say that to terrify you, but to remind you that 9 or 10 visits isn't going to be anything like enough for acclimatisation)

Get your Ds to brainstorm solutions with you. Anything - get it all on a piece of paper, and then enact some of the realistic ones. He'll likely come up with some really good ideas.

Thanks ineedalife yes dp is right i cant just keep removing everything that causes ds stress, i have to help him to cope. Its just so difficult helping him, while im also trying to help 2 others at the same time.

I think dp will just have to put up with 2 screaming kids, while i give ds a bit of help too. As i said that one that has attached himself to me, is coping the best, out of the 3 of them. Only problem is when i try to unattach him for a bit, he then doesnt cope very well. So its a vicious circle.

ZZZZ i agree completely, one is controlling us. Its just so difficult when all 3 are finding it so difficult. So one who is attached to me, will scream if i leave him or dp tries to do something with him. Then other one will scream, because he is screaming, then ds gets even more distressed because both of them are screaming!

But we need to make some changes.

Ommward, we have things like a cabinet with lots of little drawers, that will be opened and the contents spread. Blinds at the window, which will be pulled apart. Weeing on the floor, if someone isnt there to notice the signs of willy holding i wanna go toilet. Bouncing on the settee and onto the floor head first, if someone isnt there to watch. Is just a few that spring to mind.

Child watching tv will not wear headphones, hats, anything like that. Neither will ds, it might be something i could get him used too, but it will require work.

We have a big garden, ds wont tolerate being out there if the other one is out there. And tv watching one, wont go out there.

Brainstorming we have done, lock on inside of bedroom door, lock on outside of door, none of ds's things where they can be touched. Ds just wants to get away from them.

we made our house completely childproof - so, that cabinet would go behind a locked door; we have a very simple blind which is basically a piece of canvas that winds up and the string you wind it with is out of child reach; we've gone through phases of having washable rugs spread all over the floor; we've spent years with mattresses in front of the places someone could fall off... of course there will be other things that you haven't thought of. I'd put loads of energy into making one room a place that a child who is quietly occupied could be alone in for a while, while the other children are being concentrated on.

It'd be interesting to see if TV watching child would ear headphones if that was where the soundtrack for their entertainment was coming from :)

Can you go on a shift with your Dp, where there is half an hour while you are in charge of Ds and velcro with him in charge of TV; and then there's half an hour while he is in charge of TV and velcro and you are just in charge of Ds etc etc - then your Ds would know that he would get you in half hour bursts, and velcro would know the same. It feels at the moment rather as if you are being pulled between Ds and velcro, and velcro is winning because he is noisier.

Do you know why velcro doesn't want to be with his father?

(NB introducing an extra child into an ASD family is the hardest thing I have ever done. But now we have got past the really hard part, it is, without a doubt, the best thing I ever did)

Omm, we have 3. My ds and dp's 2 all with ASD.

We have my ds, who is locking himself in his room and doesnt want to be around dss1 or dss2.

dss1 who is attached to me

dss2 who wants to watch tv

Dp has only recently been given access to his dp's after a very long time. So this is extremely stressful for them too. They have been thrown in at the deep end along with dp and i and ds.

Dss1 and dss2 are very obsessive and repetitive, all they both wanted to do when they first came was watch the same TV show over and over and over 24/7.

I dont think its so much he doesnt want to be around his father, he does when im not there ie when dp is at his parents with them. I think he wants to be around me. maybe i am familar and remind him of mum, im not sure, although when we take them home, he clings to me and screams and doesnt want to go.

It's probably because you are so lovely :)

Really really hard introducing two children into your ds's life at once. And unsettling for both of the little ones to have the normal routine disrupted.

Is their mum glad of the break? Or really worried about them?

[sorry - I had worked out that there were 3 children altogether, but my post was clear as mud. My brain is mush]

Can you sometimes be really boring, and just sit in a chair smiling benignly until velcro boy goes to play with his father? then you can slip off upstairs to spend an hour with your ds with some good books or whatever he'd want to do with you.

Aww thanks!

I think she is glad of the break. She has lots of support and gets quite a few breaks (much needed breaks i should think, they are a handful!)

Its hard to be boring, even when i am being boring and just sitting there, he will sit on my lap! and he has come such a long way since he first started coming, he actually asks me to do things with him, he really wants to interact and its so lovely to see. Even if we are having 'break time' according to his timetable, he will just cling to me and follow me.

I am just going to have to be tougher and insist on daddy time.

I'm really sorry that we've christened your stepchildren velcro and TV-boy :) enough with the labelling ;)

No worries Omm, i started it! its easier to follow the story with nicknames and so many kids

ZZZ tv boy wont use timetables, i have also designed some basic cards for them to use for things such as toilet, he doesnt use them either, im sure he just needs to be shown how to and i just havent had the chance. They are both bright kids.

Its not so much craft sessions, ive been focussing on, more trying to move them on from their obsessive behaviour. All both of them would do when they first come was watch the same part of a tv show over and over and over.

Like the idea of walking, although i would feel mean! cruel to be kind i suppose.

I just hate to see ds so distressed, to the point of causing himself injury. I just feel like everyone needs help to cope with the situation and i cant help everyone at once.

Tv isnt a problem, no one wants to watch it and it doesnt bother anyone else. Its getting tv boy away from the tv thats the problem, he doesnt interact at all.

Thanks again for advice.

I find that Supernanny has some excellent ideas on dealing with these types of situations (clingy small kids, kids with special needs etc). You can find those videos on Youtube - there is another show called Nanny 911 but didn't like that one much (seemed more about blaming the mother each and every time). You should definitely not ask your DP to cut down on his access but asking if he could take the kids every second visit to his parents is a good one. Perhaps he could buy a large tent if it is overcrowded there? That would make it fun for the kids as well.

Mimi, thanks ive watched supernanny a few times, i quite like her, i would love to see her try here and as for nanny 911 the parents are too blame really, it should have been done more gradually for everyone concerned. You cant just stick 3 kids with ASD together overnight. No one has really thought of the kids, everyone has just thought about themselves and what they want.

The agreement was, it would be done gradually, circumstances changed and it wasnt done like that.

I wouldnt ask him to cut down on his access, i was thinking of asking him to make other arrangements.

He says its overcrowded there, but the 2 kids stay there every other weekend anyhow. I doubt the kids would sleep in a tent, they are quite rigid and it seems they are already stressed by the situation, im not sure introducing anything new would be a good idea at the moment.

This sounds alot like my son when cousins come over and after a while he says Can they go now had enough.......

Rather than the 2 kids staying at their grandparents every other weekend, have you thought about scheduling their visits so they spend some time at grandparents and some at yours, and gradually spending more of the time at yours. If you take them back a bit early initially to grandparents with your DP, couldn't he take public transportation back after their mum picks them up from grandparents? That gives you and your DS some one on one time as well.

Lindy, ds says can they go now, before they have even arrived! It is a lot for ds to cope with, their behaviour is challenging even for me, let alone another him.

Triggles, sorry that is how it works, the kids go to his parents on the Friday and we pick them up from there on Sat am. The other week they go to their other nan from Thurs-Sun.

Ive just been thrown in at the deep end (and so have they) i had never even met them before they came to stay. I knew nothing about them apart from what i had read in a statement and neither did dp.

I am just expected to know how to deal with them, with no information even about what they like and dont like or how their difficulties affect them or what to do.

Not sure where another him came from! let alone him that should read!

Have you or your DP sat down and spoken to their mum about their likes and dislikes and any helpful advice she can offer to make the transition smoother? It might be uncomfortable (obviously no idea how the relationship is between your DP and children's mum) but if it's to benefit the children, it's worth the effort.