Falling apart at the seams... (very long, sorry)

[Triggles]

That's it really. I had a massive meltdown yesterday, when asked last minute to write up something for the new EP referral (for a more current EP report due to the LA being obstructive - long story). I wasn't anticipating it and had already had a hellish day as it was. When I initially tried to write it, I couldn't remember the name of the school that DS2 is currently attending. Just would not come to mind. I was in tears. DH came home from work late morning and I literally fell apart. Support? Pretty much none. So I called MIL who dropped everything and came over to help me out (while DH went upstairs and took a nap).

I feel so angry at the lack of support. I have been there for him (sometimes against my better judgement) for the last 2 years while he's been struggling with depression and quite frankly treating me and the boys to loads of verbal abuse. My main focus has been to make sure the boys are okay, to be fair, but I am tired of telling him every day "stop shouting, be more patient, that is NOT appropriate to say!"

Do not tell me to leave him. At the moment, if I left, he would insist on visitation with the boys, and he absolutely cannot cope with them. I would be worried sick that he spent the entire time shouting at them. Due to his depression, he is also quite forgetful - which means he is lax on safety stuff that is so vital to watch with them both, but especially with DS2. It means I cannot leave them alone with him. Ever.

I got a break yesterday as MIL was here and watched DS3 for a couple hours (DS2 was in school), so I could go see a friend and get some support from her.

I'm just feeling that I'm getting into a bad cycle, with not looking after myself, and feeling so down and frustrated and angry. The boys can be a real struggle, and I have them alone a lot. I had them alone for the entire weekend a few weeks ago as I sent DH out of town for his birthday to visit our oldest DS (to be frank, it gave me a break from DH's moods, even if it was unbelievably exhausting dealing with the boys on my own).

Perhaps I'm just frustrated that DH couldn't take a couple hours and support ME for a change when I was struggling. I'm always the one that has to hold everything together and always be the responsible one. I don't have the luxury of being able to have any mental health problems or be overly stressed or have a breakdown. I actually went in to our surgery and spoke to practice nurse about getting help as I was at the end of my rope, and she told me "you'll cope, that's what women do." Yes, that was helpful, right? So obviously I don't need help, I just need to do a better job coping.

sigh

Oh, sorry, slight error.. I can leave them alone with him. When they are both asleep, I have managed to go to a friend's house nearby for a drink in the evening. But if they are fussy or wake up while I am gone, DH acts as if I've been gone a year (it's usually an hour or two) when I get back.

What respite do you get, could you divert some dla money to get someone to take them to the park once a week or something?

that's tough triggles You're doing a fab job but that nurse was wrong and talking out of her backside, could you go back and see someone else? Would mil look after the boys a bit more to give you a break? It's frustrating, my dh won't get involved with the kids issues, it drives me nuts.

No respite. DS2's in school during the day, so I can understand that. But between DS2, DS3, and DH, there is always SOMEONE demanding my attention. It's just wearing. DS2's a runner, so it's not really safe to take him to the park. He has no sense of safety. That's why we're currently fighting with the council to replace our wooden panel fence (around our back garden) that is broken with another wooden panel fence (rather than the post and wires they want to replace it with).

I've finally managed to get DH into counselling, however, he won't discuss with the counsellor about the verbal abuse. Honestly, how is he supposed to improve it if he won't discuss it? I get that he might be embarrassed to admit it, but still, isn't that the point of counselling? To find better coping methods (you know, other than shouting at your family)?

While I think 3yo is too young to go to "school", I find myself actually looking forward to DS3 going to preschool in September so I will actually have some time for myself for a couple hours a day. If I don't go mad between now and then.

ninja yes, that part of "not getting involved with the kids issues" makes me crazy. All the medical stuff and SNs stuff is up to me to deal with, any paperwork (including DLA). I can't even get him to read it, much less assist or support me with it. I've tried to explain to him exactly how much pressure the phrase "You do what's best, I trust you" puts on me.

sounds just like my xh, i have ds2 with asd/adhd....ds3 adhd....dd asd, and other probs.....my now xh would say they are your kids so your problem, i thought they was our dc, he would go out or go to bed to avoid everything, his excuse was he was depressed, (he wasn't he just couldn't be bothered) dc wouldn't sleep and i was ill, doctor told me that dad needed to take a night shift so i could get a nights sleep,now xh went to same doctor next day and according to him doctor told him he needs to rest and he needs his sleep, not to help out with dc.....i took years of this and in the end i left, sorry not saying this is what your dh is doing but saying i know how you feel, your not alone,

I'll have to check back later... I was typing between the chaos of the boys, but it's getting too much. (and I can only ignore the squabbling so much) And it'll be time to leave for DS2's RDA session soon.

Thanks though. I couldn't decide between hibernating and pulling out of all contact or just going mental on AIBU and taking no prisoners.

Triggles,

Am glad your MIL was able to come over.

I am not telling you to leave but I would seek legal advice regarding aspects of separation so you are more prepared in the long run if being together is no longer possible. He spending all his time shouting at them is damaging these children and you cannot fully protect your children from his outbursts.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

If this GP surgery you attend continue to be this unhelpful I would change GP practice. If this situation continues unabated you could well have a breakdown yourself.

Where is your support, practice nurse failed you utterly by stating as she did and I would complain to the practice manager.

Depression Alliance is a website you may want to look at as it can help family members.

What help is he receiving for his depression?. Do you yourself have any communication with his doctors or do they cite patient confidentially issues?.

Where do you see yourself in say a year or two's time?.

Trig, where-ish are you? Are you near enough for me to drop in and help out occasionally? (will bring certificates for proof) I'm west Hants/east Dorset...

"I've finally managed to get DH into counselling, however, he won't discuss with the counsellor about the verbal abuse".

If he has not gone of his own volition either he may well ditch the counselling before long.

I am not surprised at all re the second part of your comment. Counselling, particularly joint counselling, is never recommended when there are ongoing incidents of abuse. Abusive men generally can manipulate sessions as well as counsellors and make it all out to be the other person's fault.

Abuse in all its forms is about power and control.

BTW is he as verbally abusive to others as well or are you and his children his primary and sole targets?.

Don't go into AIBU; you'd be better off reading and or posting Relationships instead.

It's not often Atilla is wrong - and yet again is dead right.

Also, I'd add in the fact if DH has depression, you are also his carer really and deserve support for that too.

{{{hugs}}}

Have pmed you Trig.

Hi Triggles

I'm so sorry it's so tough at the moment (((hugs)))

I'm not sure I've ever disagreed with what Atilla has said either. Him shouting all the time is raising the stress levels for all of you and I bet it is causing DS2 increased stress and adding to the behaviour of the boys between them.

Have you thought of a Homestart volunteer? That might take some of the pressure off the constantly caring role that you have.

You know we are all here for you x

that's exactly what my dh says triggles, I think it's that that has put more strain on our marriage than enything else and we don't have the added pressure of depression as well. I'm pleased he trusts me but I'd like a little help and have told him as much but nothing changes. I asked him to ring and book the car in for it's MOT yesterday, apparently he'll leave it to me because I know the mechanic [sigh] My ds2 will be 3 in a couple of weeks and does 2 mornings at preschool, he absolutely loves it and has been a sanity saver for me

(((Hugs))) Triggles

I wont tell you to leave him but I can tell you that I was in an abusive marriage for 9 yrs and it wore me down to breakdown point. Verbal abuse is like mental abuse it eats away at your esteem and your sanity. You dont deserve it and nor do the children. The longer it carries on without help the more the psychological damage. My dd is in her twenties now and still she cannot forget and she was 3 at the time of parting.

I agree with attilla about seeking legal advice as forewarned is forearmed for future possibilities. Your DH could insist on visitation rights that is true as he is entitled to see them but you can make sure they are supervised visits triggles because of the circumstances of him not coping with them or himself. This I know can be done.

And for goodness sake change your GP who is more understanding and sympathetic what that nurse said is rediculous with the pressure you are under x

the abuse will have a big impact on the dc, my dd thought it was normal behaviour to shout and make others cry, she thought it was normal behaviour for my xh to hit me, it's taken years for her to realise it's not normal. can you take your dc away for a few days just for some thinking time?

Don't really know what to say,but you are dealing with an awful lot on your own,and you do need support. Could you go back to the doctors and speak to the doctor,rather than the stupid nurse,they might be able to put you in touch with someone who could help? Hope your day has got better.x

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through triggles. I suffer badly from depression and it is not an excuse to verbally abuse anyone.

I have used Mind in the past and I know they also help the carers of people with depression, so it may be worth giving them a ring.

You need to look after yourself so you don't get depressed as well, I know it is so hard to get a moment to yourself though. I lock myself in the loo for 5 mins when it gets too much

Hugs xx

Attila oh, sorry, I was unclear. RE AIBU, I was not going to post a thread, I was going in as generally it's a good place to blow off steam on some of the ridiculous threads. Finally managed to get DH into counselling actually equals "he was willing to go, but we couldn't get it organised - he was on the waiting list for almost a year with a couple different places, but one finally came through" He WENT willingly enough. I think what really frustrated us both actually was his GP at one point said "well, it's obvious you need CBT to deal with things, but that's not available" and then left it at that. DH of course at that point was in no frame of mind to take it further.

He spoke his entire session today about the verbal abuse and actually seems relieved to have spoken about it. I'll be interested to see what further he has to say about it. He was never ever shouty with me or the boys before the depression hit, so I rather suspect it's tied in with a number of different things. If he was shouty the whole time I'd known him, I'd have never married him - I've been in one horrendously abusive relationship before (although that was physical as well).

MIL has offered to come over tomorrow and help out, even though DH will be home. It will give me a break, maybe I'll pop into town or something.

I do think this LA / tribunal thing is creating a lot of emotional distress for me right now. I was actually told by the lady from the LA that even if he ended up at the SS, when he was doing better he would no longer qualify for SS and would be moved to MS again (which of course because he cant cope with MS would put him right back where he is now) - rather implying that he'd be shuffled back and forth between MS and SS. I got angry and said "so then you're not really concerned about what is best for him then...."

Thank you so much for the offers of help and support. I am feeling a bit raw at the moment, although I have noticed DH is being fairly calm right now. He hasn't shouted once since he got home from counselling, including when the boys were both fighting and screaming at each other in the back seat of the car (which usually sets him off).

If I don't feel better in myself over the next couple days, then I will make an appointment early next week and speak to my regular GP and go from there. I suppose I realised in the back of my mind that the practice nurse was being stupid, but when you're sitting in front of her crying saying you can't cope and all she will say is "we're women, that's what women do, we cope. you'll be fine, you'll cope." it's hard to really push harder. You just feel like you've hit a brick wall (and possibly that it has then fallen on you )

Oh, sorry, it's not joint counselling. He's going on his own, he just always has given me feedback as to what basically was discussed (I NEVER ask for details - only listen if he wants to talk about it).

Hi Triggles. Sorry it's all so crappy at the moment. I'm sorry I can't be more help but I'm only just managing myself, really. I can always be a virtual shoulder to cry on, though.

Hey, virtual shoulders are great. Thanks. Trying to get together with people is such a nightmare right now due to school runs, appointments, babysitting, etc. It's just more stress, isn't it? sigh

A whole evening so far of no shouting. Bliss. I'm just going to see where it leads. I'd like to think he'll see how much nicer it is, as everyone is more calm and relaxed.

Hi Triggles

You've got too much on your plate right now. But you will cope. Vent here if it helps

Please ignore the rubbish from the LA about transferring back to MS if DS improves. It's just hot air from them and you don't need to listen to rubbish like that.

At the peak of my difficulties trying to get DS support my previosuly good relationship with XH broke down irretrievably - same reason, no help from him while I ran myself ragged.

I found a very sharp and direct "Just who the hell do you think you are talking to?" brought XH very sharply when he was verbally abusive.

But you have my sympathy - it's hard - but it will get better. Promise

Glad you're having a better evening.