That's it really. I had a massive meltdown yesterday, when asked last minute to write up something for the new EP referral (for a more current EP report due to the LA being obstructive - long story). I wasn't anticipating it and had already had a hellish day as it was. When I initially tried to write it, I couldn't remember the name of the school that DS2 is currently attending. Just would not come to mind. I was in tears. DH came home from work late morning and I literally fell apart. Support? Pretty much none. So I called MIL who dropped everything and came over to help me out (while DH went upstairs and took a nap).
I feel so angry at the lack of support. I have been there for him (sometimes against my better judgement) for the last 2 years while he's been struggling with depression and quite frankly treating me and the boys to loads of verbal abuse. My main focus has been to make sure the boys are okay, to be fair, but I am tired of telling him every day "stop shouting, be more patient, that is NOT appropriate to say!"
Do not tell me to leave him. At the moment, if I left, he would insist on visitation with the boys, and he absolutely cannot cope with them. I would be worried sick that he spent the entire time shouting at them. Due to his depression, he is also quite forgetful - which means he is lax on safety stuff that is so vital to watch with them both, but especially with DS2. It means I cannot leave them alone with him. Ever.
I got a break yesterday as MIL was here and watched DS3 for a couple hours (DS2 was in school), so I could go see a friend and get some support from her.
I'm just feeling that I'm getting into a bad cycle, with not looking after myself, and feeling so down and frustrated and angry. The boys can be a real struggle, and I have them alone a lot. I had them alone for the entire weekend a few weeks ago as I sent DH out of town for his birthday to visit our oldest DS (to be frank, it gave me a break from DH's moods, even if it was unbelievably exhausting dealing with the boys on my own).
Perhaps I'm just frustrated that DH couldn't take a couple hours and support ME for a change when I was struggling. I'm always the one that has to hold everything together and always be the responsible one. I don't have the luxury of being able to have any mental health problems or be overly stressed or have a breakdown. I actually went in to our surgery and spoke to practice nurse about getting help as I was at the end of my rope, and she told me "you'll cope, that's what women do." 
Yes, that was helpful, right? So obviously I don't need help, I just need to do a better job coping.
sigh