Falling apart at the seams... (very long, sorry)

[Triggles]

That's it really. I had a massive meltdown yesterday, when asked last minute to write up something for the new EP referral (for a more current EP report due to the LA being obstructive - long story). I wasn't anticipating it and had already had a hellish day as it was. When I initially tried to write it, I couldn't remember the name of the school that DS2 is currently attending. Just would not come to mind. I was in tears. DH came home from work late morning and I literally fell apart. Support? Pretty much none. So I called MIL who dropped everything and came over to help me out (while DH went upstairs and took a nap).

I feel so angry at the lack of support. I have been there for him (sometimes against my better judgement) for the last 2 years while he's been struggling with depression and quite frankly treating me and the boys to loads of verbal abuse. My main focus has been to make sure the boys are okay, to be fair, but I am tired of telling him every day "stop shouting, be more patient, that is NOT appropriate to say!"

Do not tell me to leave him. At the moment, if I left, he would insist on visitation with the boys, and he absolutely cannot cope with them. I would be worried sick that he spent the entire time shouting at them. Due to his depression, he is also quite forgetful - which means he is lax on safety stuff that is so vital to watch with them both, but especially with DS2. It means I cannot leave them alone with him. Ever.

I got a break yesterday as MIL was here and watched DS3 for a couple hours (DS2 was in school), so I could go see a friend and get some support from her.

I'm just feeling that I'm getting into a bad cycle, with not looking after myself, and feeling so down and frustrated and angry. The boys can be a real struggle, and I have them alone a lot. I had them alone for the entire weekend a few weeks ago as I sent DH out of town for his birthday to visit our oldest DS (to be frank, it gave me a break from DH's moods, even if it was unbelievably exhausting dealing with the boys on my own).

Perhaps I'm just frustrated that DH couldn't take a couple hours and support ME for a change when I was struggling. I'm always the one that has to hold everything together and always be the responsible one. I don't have the luxury of being able to have any mental health problems or be overly stressed or have a breakdown. I actually went in to our surgery and spoke to practice nurse about getting help as I was at the end of my rope, and she told me "you'll cope, that's what women do." Yes, that was helpful, right? So obviously I don't need help, I just need to do a better job coping.

sigh

Thank you.

WA - I was hoping it was rubbish about transferring him back to MS if he improved. Madness, eh? If he improves in SS, then obviously that's where he belongs IMO. I'm wondering if it was a scare tactic.

Of course it's a scare tactic. A weak pathetic one at that

So, if by 2022 (or whatever) your DS has improved immeasurably and they wish to transfer him back to MS your argument will be he has only achieved this improvement being in an environment that can support his needs and if you remove him from that environment then you will be responsible for any deterioration that may occur + need for continuity of education + DS's own views as he would be old enough to have his say etc etc etc- backed up by any reports etc to support your argument.

So put it right to the back of your mind and concentrate on getting him in to SS rather than worrying about 'what if they try to get him out?

But find some time for yourself too. I buggered off to Paris during my difficult period. Came back with enormous energy and clarity of thought.

I've seen what August said happen in practice at least twice.

And I'm serious about popping in to whip the hoover round or summat if you're near enough

Definitely think about Homestart Trig. They were fantastic for my friend.

Sending hugs Triggles. Hoping you are feeling at least slightly better this morning. I saw your post yesterday and wanted to respond but my back has decided to complain about all it has had to cope with recently yesterday and I couldn't sit up to type. Just wanted to say I really get the situation where you finally NEED support and none is forthcoming. And I reckon the practice nurse said you would cope so that she didn't have to think any more about how to help. I would second what Ben said about Homestart. They were great when DS was 2 and I had a lot of health problems myself. It didn't even cross my mind then that DS was hard work because he has AS. They help families in any sort of difficulties and you can self refer.

Feeling a bit better today. DH still doing well - no shouting, we're almost to 24 hours now.

I'll look into Homestart. Some pressure dropping - our OT has managed to secure a grant through our council to replace our fence around part of the garden that is falling apart. We were worried we wouldn't be able to take DS2 out in the garden safely, but thankfully that will be taken care of! What a huge relief!

Now we just need to get through the tribunal.

That's fantastic Triggles about the fence. Now he'll be able to play in the garden and you won't have to worry about him running int he park.

Almost 24 hrs :) Maybe the counselling is helping him.

And the council said if we cut/trim down the two trees right by the fence (have I mentioned we hate those trees so were happy to hear it), they'll happily cart away all the branches when they take away the old fence.... so DH is working out his aggressions on the trees with an axe. He's gotten quite a bit of work done.

This is all sounding promising for the weekend :) How long till you get the new fence?

When's the tribunal?

They're saying should be within the next 3 weeks approximately.

Tribunal, not sure, we haven't got a date yet, just turned in the papers.

Let's hope it doesn't get as far as tribunal and they cave. No experience of tribunal myself, but great that others on here are willing to share their experiences, good and bad. Nice new fence, eh?

yes, fingers crossed.

1. GP (not nurse) for counselling, or depression rx, or whatever FOR YOU
2. Look at free online cbt for dh
3. Health visitor or children's centre outreach may be able to get you 10h/week childcare funding for your 2 year old. Ask them as criteria vary but in most areas, dad with severe depression, brother with major SN, no money and mum on the edge would tick enough boxes.

You are doing a good job. The nurse was right to say you'll get through somehow, but she ought to have said it after trying to help you, even if all she had to offer was a and a

Hi Triggles - the same thing happened to me - when my ds was born he had severe life threatening birth defects - He required surgery upon surgery upon surgery. I had a 17 month dd at this time. When my ds came home from hospital the complications and care were agonizing ie he had an ng tube in, which was so long it took me 20 mins to feed him 2 oz of milk. Before hand I would have to express 2 oz under severe stress which would take forever then I had to syringe 8 different medicines - this had to be repeated every hour - on top of that there was my beautiful dd who had been separated from me time after time (As I had to go into hospital with my ds). I couldn't even answer the telephone as she would scream because it was taking more attention away from her.My DH would then return home from work expecting his dinner on the table and wondering why the house was so messy!.

My dh chose to return to work whilst our DS was in intensive care!!! leaving me with all the stress and worry - then if I was unsure- unable to tell him what was happening medically when he called the hospital he would rant and rave down the phone adding more pressure on me.

The first five years of my dss life was horrific and during that time I grew apart from my dh as anytime my ds was crying, ill he would become EXTREMELY angry, shouting, throwing things around. I started to hate him because at times I had to put my ds down whilst in severe distress to calm dh down and I have alot of guilt connected with this. Why do us mothers have to carry the weight and worry of everyone else on our shoulders? Who is there for us? You can only stay a robot for so long - eventually it will harm you both physically and emotionally.

As my dc grew up my dh became more and more angry and when it came to shouting and throwing my dss wheelchair across the road in front on him in anger I realised I could take no more - I told him it was over - I knew he couldn't cope - never coped medically, never helped with dcs care, never spent time with them - we are now nearly divorced and actually he has completely changed! It is too late for us but he is now being the dad to the children that they deserve. My dc are much happier now they have their time with me and they have their time with him. He no longer raises his voice. I stuck this for 10 years but am glad I went through with it - If I was still with him now I know his anger issues would still be the same. It is amazing how people can change when they know what they are about to lose - just something for you to keep in mind! xx

Just sending hugs.

Tribunal will be an added stress, but prob best not to mention to the council-funded children's centre that you'll use the 10h/week in order to fine-tune your case against the LA

emerald8 thank you. It sounds like you had much more difficulty than I've had. I can't imagine having to deal with life threatening birth defects and repeated surgery for my child. I hope your DS is doing better now, and it sounds as if you are better.

mariasalome thank you - I will check into that cbt online stuff. Never hurts to have a bit more assistance. The practice nurse didn't offer any practical advice at all, just basically "you'll cope." Not horribly helpful I'll admit. Actually made me feel awful for even asking for help IYSWIM.

I don't need 10 hours of childcare for DS3, and I'd feel guilty for doing that tbh. I just need a couple hours a week to simply be able to get a few things done without constant interruptions and to clear my head here and there.

Trig, we had two mornings state nursery from dd2's first birthday. Do ask. Two mornings is nowhere near enough to have a guilt trip over... Do you have access to snhv? Ours arranged it for us. Otherwise contact early years at the LA and ask.

Triggles everything is much better now - I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel I used to constantly ask my dh for support but was accused of nagging I was never taken seriously and I know this is what's happening to you.

Perhaps you could write your dh a heartfelt note explaining how you understand that he is depressed but how you are feeling. It may be easier for you to express in this way and also easier for him to take in.

There will be light at the end of the tunnel you just have to fight your way around all the curves! I'm sending you some of my strength and will be keeping you in mind so you know you are not on your own. Best wishes xx

snhv? special needs health visitor?

never heard of such a thing. We have a couple HVs in the surgery, however, one was entirely awful (a few years ago) and I won't deal with her.

He's had one or two moments today that he said he was feeling stressed and he took a few minutes to compose himself, rather than shouting, which is progress IMO. Obviously it's going to be an ongoing thing. If he refused counselling or something, then I'd say that's it, as he's not trying to help himself. But he's willingly going.

I'm dealing with a god-awful toothache right now - whole jaw hurts - had dental work for crown (temporary one on now) done the other day - I think they exposed a nerve, as anything even TOUCHING the tooth makes my head feel like it's exploding with unbelievable pain. I'm supposed to go back on Friday for finish of crown, but I may have to pop in there on Monday and speak to dentist and see if something can be done. otherwise just tough through it until Friday. ick

triggles I can empathise...its exhausting being the one who "does it all" and get no support in return. Dh has never even read a book/article/web page about dyslexia...sigh. He just wants ds1 "fixed".

I am pretty fed up atm...recovering from a nerve root spinal block I had done last night...cant shower til tomorrow and feel all manky

Glad your mil can help./ Mine does too...its a lifesaver....literally sometimes

Oh, I would hug you if I could - I will have to settle for a hearty slap on the back!

Badvoc oh, hope you feel better soon! Yes, MIL is lovely. No judgements and will drop everything to help out (so I try to be careful not to take advantage).

I am glad things sound more positive today :) Its good that DH is checking himself when he is stressed. It sounds like the talking he did at the counselling yesterday has given him food for thought :)

Good news on getting the garden done!