I don't know if this will help at all, or indeed be coherent. just wanted to share some experiences.
First, I was very like your DD at primary school. By, ooh, about halfway through secondary, I'd started to twig why people were hurt by being told unflattering 'facts' about themselves, why it wasn't the done thing to ASK people why you were unpopular, etc., etc.
I think I pass as relatively normal these days. maybe a bit shy, not too good at organising big events, but normal enough. School is a tough time if you aren't a herd animal.
DS1 has Aspergers and OCD (do you have this severely, as I know you mentioned it? They are 'frequent co-morbids', in the medical-ese term). he has a full time statement and 1-to-1 help available at his (mainstream) secondary, but these days the TAs tell me they only see him when he need help sorting out some homework muddle or when he wants sympathy and biscuits.
He used to be screamingly anxious about school. These days, he's almost too relaxed for my liking (GCSE year, eek) and leaves it to me to worry about lost homework, exam dates and the like.
Socially, things are mixed. If we can make the contacts for him first and set up 'dates', he's fine -- good company, funny, warm, energetic, basically 'likeable'. He still can't organise his own social life at all, though, and it's harder now that no one else's mum rings up to arrange things for them.
DS2, though a bit unusual, would never get a diagnosis. However, when he was very stressed at a school that didn't suit him, and suffering some bullying, he certainly came across as 'autistic' to the staff there (we had some weird parents' eves where they'd say 'Well, as he's on the spectrum...' or 'Of course, autistic children can be challenging...' and we'd say 'Actually I think you'll find that's his brother, not DS2'). One year down the line at a new school, there's been no hint of anything other than ordinary teen stroppiness.
DD is/was a bit like your daughter, but took a leap forward last year by reading up some very girly manual (think it was the Glorious Book for Girls) and very seriously applying what she'd learnt to her school friendships. She doesn't seem to detect instinctively what the other girls do to 'bond', but was bright enough to work out why she stood out. Frankly, I suspect she's another Aspie in hiding.
All three are a mix of loving, puzzled by other kids, unintentionally hurtful at times, deliberately kind at others -- ot the stereotype I'd had of autism at all. (They are also all catastrophically untidy, but I think that's my fault!)