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Original poster

AIBU in HATING the term "SN top trumps"?

93 replies

Dillydaydreaming · 10/10/2011 16:05

Seriously people - don't use it as it's just horrible. This should be a supportive board for those of us who are coping with children whose development does not fit "the norm" in some way or other - life is hard enough without dissolving into bitching and topping on here as well.

Nuff said - am off to sort out DS.

OP posts:
cory · 11/10/2011 09:03

I think it is a sign of the general tension in society spilling over onto Mumsnet: many people worried about the future and feeling under threat, people finding the need to justfy themselves where they didn't before, some people finding they can say things that you just didn't say in polite society 10 years ago.

But it's still the odd one out: mostly this section is still incredibly supportive and we have to cling to that.

Becaroooo · 11/10/2011 09:11

Have never heard or seen that term on MN SN boards.

Awful term. Really awful.

Why would anyone use such a pathetic, immature and hurtful term to another parent who is struggling????

Peachy · 11/10/2011 09:18

I saw it used and it's horrible- it makes me feel that as someone with more than once SN child I may not post.

Which is a little unfair surely?

I do agree with Cory generally but certainly I am steering well clear for the foreseeable.

Becaroooo · 11/10/2011 09:27

Sigh.

Its the "suffering hierarchy" isnt it???

"I have 3 dc with sen/sn therefore I am better than/know more than you"

Read an interesting article recently about someone visiting a friend with an eating disorder at The Priory. The friend told her that there was a real hierarchy of addiction...the heroin addicts looked down on the coke addicts, the coke addicts looked down on the alcoholics and everyone despised the bulimics/anorexics. Made me very very Sad

I have had such amazing support/advice/help on this board....and my ds1 "only" has sen.

Peachy · 11/10/2011 09:31

Sutely it's the revrse Bec? I don't think I am better than anyone; I presume the people calling SN top trumps thinks either that I am 'better' (WTF)_ ort think I am better?

It's like the MA as well: sometimes I think I should just not ever mention it or offer the advice and info on MN, but others say I have helped them. Bloody impossible to win!

perhaps I should start every post with 'I am not better than you'.

Peachy · 11/10/2011 09:33

The bit about multiple Sn and top trumps was taken from the person who made the latest comment btw. They actually named people with severe and or multiple chidlren as culprits.

Not my paranoia.

BakeliteBelle · 11/10/2011 10:03

I think it is just a one-off on an otherwise supportive board. Cory you are probably right - we are all being pitched against one another in these really scary times. I have been told by social workers, 'you can't have this service because other families will miss out', and I expect families are going to hear more and more of this.

Lets set this aside and remember the context - our cabinet full of millionaires declaring 'we are all in this together' for instance, and their Banker friends still cleaning up and making us pay

Sevenfold · 11/10/2011 10:48

very hard to set it aside if you now feel you can't post about your child.

Becaroooo · 11/10/2011 11:11

peachy I have never found you anything but helpful and supportive. I am sorry someone said this to you.

BIB Absolutely!!!!

justaboutstillhere · 11/10/2011 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peachy · 11/10/2011 13:55

Don't worry Bec. what i took away from that thread was that at least 4 people thought it was aimed at them which if it was not so sad would be pretty damn clever writing!

justaboutstillhere · 11/10/2011 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dawndonna · 11/10/2011 15:09

Now I remember.
Yes that was horrid, and Justabout, you did the right thing.

GoodAndBluts · 11/10/2011 16:35

Oh, and there was the troll poster who deemed everyone who had DC in nappies extremely lazy as anyone is toilet trainable (apparently). Might have been the same troll poster who was getting loads of respite and wanted loads more.

devientenigma · 11/10/2011 17:26

starting to worry if 'They actually named people with severe and or multiple chidlren as culprits' was aimed at me also.

However I have limited my posting here for at least a year due to the board changing. It doesn't seem the same as it used to be, or maybe you have all name changed and I just don't recognise that.

I know a lot left also which is a shame and half of the names I don't know. I also feel there is a lot of top trumps here and majority of the time for me it's quite unsupportive.

Sevenfold · 11/10/2011 17:29

the sad thing about this it that people who need support who have a child with severe SN no longer feel safe here(nit just me, I have been told this by others)
sad also that the person who used this comment has been on to say anything.

Peachy · 11/10/2011 18:48

Yes I know people who say that as well

sad

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 18:55

Never heard of the term, what does it mean Confused

Peachy · 12/10/2011 00:16

Actually not sure I can define it

I think the implication is that you tried to outdo someone with 'well my life is considerably ahder than youw' but actuallya s ever it's just stressed people needing a listening ear, empathy and a bit of reassurance that actually, it will be OK. And that yes life with can be ahrd and that they are not a failure to feel that.

ReindeerBollocks · 12/10/2011 20:33

Whilst I don't like the term I understand (somewhat) it's use in AIBU. That board is for harsher opinions, and anything that defines you as different is automatically jumped upon/met with less sympathy than on other boards.

However it is terrible that this phrase is used on the SN boards. I'll admit I don't post in the SN section often, as I don't feel very useful to other posters but surely thats the point of the SN board - to provide help and support for others in similar situations. Sometimes people deal with SN differently, but surely everyone on here should appreciate that people don't need to be taken to task when they may already be very stressed.

It's really disheartening to hear that bitching is so rife on these boards.

pigletmania · 12/10/2011 20:53

I thought its all about supporting one another, not outdoing the other person

Sevenfold · 12/10/2011 21:58

i don't think this is about people out doing people iynwim,
it is someone or some people not liking it if someone dares to mention their child has complex needs.
it imo makes a mockery of the sn topic, if people can't post about their dc as someone will say they are trumping.
so what does some do?
for instance how can I post on here if I can't mention my dd's level of sn. what About Riven or Peachy? how can they post?
so the sn topic has just become like the rest of mn,

coff33pot · 12/10/2011 23:32

Ok I dont understand now. This is an SN board yes? Parents of SN children are not allowed to say what their childs sn is? Then how can you ask advice on something if you cant discuss the scale of sn or how can you even give advice. Surely there would be a possibility of certain advice for one part of the sn being totally detrimental to another part the child has if it was not mentioned?

Or say there are various posts (totally made up btw) ie sleepwalking, eating crayons, tics, sensory probs and a person has been seen to post on everyone as "what I do with DS/DD is would they then be seen as "trumping" all over the SN board when infact all they would be doing is offering genuine advice from genuine experience?

hmmmm its daft

Not you sevenfold I mean the way some people can behave or perceive is daft.

Peachy · 13/10/2011 08:52

Coff difficult isn't it?

DS1's needs are marked for his dx but it's the fact of having the other boys as well that makes it at times impossible. I can't give autsitic ds3 any time at all if I am constantly shadowing ds1 but constantly shadowing ds1 means ds4 is left unwatched and argh

I know we ar elucky that all ours talk and 3 / 4 are dry (ds4 is not but only 3.5). I don't feel like we are top trumping anyone, we just ahve our own set of compliations- no diferent to a single mum or a helll of a lot of other complications

zzzzz · 13/10/2011 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.