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SN children

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Original poster

Grandparents in denial about asd

79 replies

MangoMonster · 15/09/2011 19:35

anyone had family who refuse to accept a dx and still think your being neurotic? My parents basically think there's nothing different about ds and the doctors and I am wrong and stressing over nothing. Starting VB soon and I know they are going to have problems with being consistent as they want to indulge him at every opportunity and they are not very open minded and are very prone to sensitivity. Live very very close to them...

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Original poster

MangoMonster · 15/09/2011 22:39

Thanks for all your help everyone. Going to totter off to bed for some more weird anxiety dreams! Can't share them, too weird! Lol. Night x

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StarlightMcKenzie · 16/09/2011 12:00

So did you dream of faceless dolls?

justaboutstillhere · 16/09/2011 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lifesamerrygoround · 16/09/2011 13:32

justabout - thats awfull. Im sure you were really hurt. We only want whats best for our kids. Im fighting with myself about diagnois of DCD. I feel I really need this for DS for his education, but on the other hand worry that this is with him for life and could do harm :(

starlight - no faceless dolls for me thanks god. Went onto the link and they are freaky looking! Worse than coroline and the button eyes lol

justaboutstillhere · 16/09/2011 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joencaitlinsmum · 16/09/2011 13:47

Our dx is quite new (may this year) and my ds is 11, we too live v close to my inlaws and my ds is v spoilt by mil and if I say no she always says yes etc. She often thinks I'm being too hard on him in striving to get him to do things his peers are doing that I know he can do with encouragement :(

She struggled with ds's dx not because she didnt believe in asd but because to her he is just so perfect iykwim? she was terrified but I'm sure that was through ignorance of the condition. In the end I had to get her sister to sit down and talk to her, she printed off articles etc and was v supportive and slowly but surely she is now coming round and seeing why I do the things I do etc but at times I could happily commit murder lol.

Original poster

MangoMonster · 16/09/2011 18:24

star not faceless dolls! Thankfully...I'm not a fan of dolls as it...give me the heebie jeebies!

justabout that is awful, you must have been very hurt. Did their opinions ever make you doubt the dx?

joencaitlin, I completely identify with your post. My mum is always saying he's perfect... Etc. Annoys me that she thinks I don't think he's perfect... Like she cares more about him than I do or something.

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zebrafinch · 16/09/2011 20:02

my mother kept saying "he will be all right, he will be all right, doctors don't know everything and worry is interest paid before its due" despite me telling her that the brain scan at 10 days old showed massive abnormality and the doctor had told us that our son would be quadriplegic, learning difficulties some sensory deficit and he would go to a special school. (all turned out true) . It frustrated me at the time but I think we forgot just how much a shock it was for her also, she was definitely in denial. Also she had very little exposure to childhood disability in her life before this, the severely disabled children either did not survive difficult births or were kept at home by the fireside. As time went on she did understand and had a very loving relationship with her grandson. People respond to a diagnosis very differently and it can take a long time for someone to accept a diagnosis . She was right on one thing, the doctors could not predict what a wonderful personality DS1 would have and how he would be his dad's pride and joy.

Original poster

MangoMonster · 16/09/2011 20:06

zebra I completely agree with your take on things. It still hurts though when they imply that I am the problem and my ds does not have difficulties. I'm the only one who allows myself to think that things are right and work towards finding out and helping. I get berated for it and treated like a mental patient.

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zebrafinch · 16/09/2011 20:16

started to think that maybe my previous post not too relevant in thread on asd. Had glass of and not used to it. Long week. With time grandparents hopefully will come on board and provide loving support, it just takes them longer to see it.

Original poster

MangoMonster · 16/09/2011 20:54

zebra your post was relevant, thanks for your advice. I've had too! Friday after all.

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justaboutstillhere · 16/09/2011 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zebrafinch · 16/09/2011 20:58

Mango, Your parents have already developed a relationship with your son and the diagnosis is a challenge to their perceived reality. It is going to be hard for them. The most important thing is that they love their grandchild for who he is. I ended up not discussing issues such a treatment diagnosis prognosis etc with my mum despite having ABSOLUTELY overwhelming evidence in her face she just could not grasp it -she STILL felt he would get better and STILL insisted I was worrying unnecessarily. However she did have a wonderful relationship with my DS and I took comfort from that.

As to being judged mental when someone does not agree with you it is par for the course. After my son was diagnosed a colleague of my sister told her that I would have to fight for everything. This colleague told my sister that her own sister had a child with SN and had to fight her corner in tribunals etc to get SEN provision for her child. One day she could not turn up for a particular meeting so the childs father went instead for the first time. He was sitting in the waiting room waiting to go in when one of the professionals who was attending turned to him (thinking he was another professional) and said "thank god that mad woman has not arrived, hopefully the meeting will be cancelled" The child's father then revealed he was the husband of "that mad woman" !!!

Original poster

MangoMonster · 16/09/2011 21:05

Thanks zebra! I think you're right, I should stop sharing everything with them, it only comes back to bite me! I do appreciate that they really care and I'll let them love in their bubble from now on as much as I can. I think the mistake I made was looking to them for support when they couldn't deal with the situation. They are sensitive and not very knowledgeable about SN so I need to be aware of that and try to find support in other places. It's not really me, I'm quite open with them but I can see it's not working. Thanks again.

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AGlassHalfEmptyNoLonger · 16/09/2011 21:46

Mango

I'm just a little way down the road to getting a diagnosis, but have a similar issue with my mum, ds is a normal little boy. She has accepted that he has dyspraxia, but now everything that is quirky is down to his dyspraxia. Best one was when she accused me (only the beginning of this week) of having Munchausens! I now really limit what I tell her, and only tell her when it really becomes necessary. (And hope he doesn't end up on medication, cos that will really rock the boat)

Original poster

MangoMonster · 16/09/2011 22:24

aglasshalf. That's so the way I can see it going. I don't know why they don't know us better. Going to keep my mouth firmly shut from now on, although it feels unnatural to not be honest with them. Just going to get on with it and come here for support instead. Apart from dp, there's no where else to go.

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Original poster

MangoMonster · 16/09/2011 22:31

aglasshalf just wanted to say, that's terrible for you and it must really hurt. Sorry you are having to deal with that. Hopefully she'll come round. It's not very mn but offering you a hug.

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AGlassHalfEmptyNoLonger · 16/09/2011 23:00

Mango. I only really put it so you can see its not just you. I have got used to sly digs and comments from her (and those not so sly). I have two choices, cut her out, or accept it and get help and support from her (and the rest of my family). I chose to ignore the digs as best I can so that I get some respite and other support as needed (am a single mum with a few minor health issues so knowing I have support there is worth the negative feedback I get). As with you, it isn't really me to hide things and not be totally open, but if it lessens the issues between us, it's what I will do.

Spinkle · 17/09/2011 00:23

My mother took a long time to take it on board. We were just 'bad parents'.

Her theory was 'he doesn't walk round the edges of rooms so he can't be autistic'

She was a special needs teacher!

Original poster

MangoMonster · 17/09/2011 19:11

Thanks spinkle. It seems several people are in the same position. Feeling a lot more able to cope with it all today. Let's hope my sanity lasts!

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oodlesofdoodles · 17/09/2011 19:22

Mango (and everyone else) your experience sounds much like mine. In my many moments of bitter regret I think how we might have got on the case with ds sooner if everyone around hadn't pooh poohed my concerns. Maybe its part of getting older, our once omnipotent parents can no longer keep up with reality.
My only suggestion is to give them specific tasks to help with, eg reading comprehension or playing eye spy when/if they take him out. Those are examples of things we try and do with ds - you probably have your own.

LizzieMo · 18/09/2011 09:19

My parents are sweet and very concerned for us all, and sometimes it can be reassuring to talk to them. We have no diagnosis as yet, my child is anxious and has sensitivity issues, mainly relating to clothes, but we are still waiting for an initial referral. So as yet nothing is certain, except that she has a few problems. My dad keeps telling me of how when he was a child he used to take his trousers off when he got home from school as they 'annoyed him', and one day he went out playing with his friends in just his top and pants. So maybe it is 'in the family'. Its a funny story and it gives me hope that she may grow out of the phase, lightens my mood for a bit. Then I see her stressing over getting dressed and it feels depressing again. Guess I am still in the waiting stage.

jandymaccomesback · 18/09/2011 21:16

Star there is a Steiner school in this county for children with ASD so how does that work? Do they "cure" them? The LA fund a lot of pupils through their statements, or at least they used to. DS was too old to start when I found out about it so didn't visit or anything, but it sounds really weird.

Original poster

MangoMonster · 18/09/2011 21:24

lizzie the waiting stage is hard and so is any dx if required but sounds like you have a lovely family.

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nenevomito · 18/09/2011 22:03

I came on here tonight about to start a thread about the same thing and laughed when I saw the reading comment. I was told today that there weren't any issues with DS and its down to me reading too much.

Its just so bloody tiring dealing with their denial when I've only got just enough strength to deal with things myself. My DM taught for years and has seen many children and therefore knows there is nothing wrong. Sod the fact that I have a psychologist and a paediatrician saying its ASD.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, but it reduced me to tears again today. I wish I could get their support, but I'm beginning to realise its a lost cause.

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