I've fucked up with potty training :(

[anon1110]

I have done something really bad this morning, which im sure now is only going to make the whole potty training even worse.

It started when I tried to change DS nappy, sometimes when I change his nappy I try to sit him on the potty to basically get him used to the idea of it, and make the association with wee and potty, this has been going ok in the past, with him doing a couple of wee's and even a few poo's.

Tried to put him on it earlier and he just basically screamed at me, I tried to reassure him telling him it was ok, and that he was a big boy, but he just got on the bed and screamed, so really I should have just put his nappy on, but no, I thought if I wait a bit he might change his mind, then he decides to do a big wee on my bed, I try to grab him and put him on the potty, before he finishes but he was just screaming and arching his back so then I just put him on the bed and screamed at him saying he could have used his potty.

Im so ashamed, I wasnt nice at all to him. So I closed the stairgate and went down stairs to calm down. I went back up 10 mins later, and just sat on the bed and cried, all the time DS was hitting me, and to be honest I let him cos I deserved it :(

So now, he is only going to make bad associations with his potty which is now going to take longer, Im due another baby in october, and basically cant afford to have 2 kids in nappies, as we recently had all out tax credits cut as we apparently earn too much (we are scraping by as it is)

He is 3 in a couple of months and it is stressing me out that he is still in nappies as I know younger kids who are potty trained. He has GDD and is about 7/8 months behind but seems to be doing realy well since he started nursery.

I dont know what to do.

you need to make potty fun and something he wants to do. i got one of my DS's wiggles doll and we sing a song and pull his pants down and sit on potty and do wee wee and do stand up and pull pants up, good boy, kiss kiss. DS loves it and will occasionally do it for me.

unfortunately we are in the southern hemisphere and its the middle of winter and we live in the mountains so DS does not like having a cold bottom and i dont blame him, come september hopefully we will see big improvments.

Please don't beat yourself up - we are all only human and a kid weeing all over the bed is just plain annoying : we're mothers, not saints!

You are doing really well to have started so early. I did the same with my autistic son and had a pretty torrid 6-8 months, where I felt that I did nothing but stand out side the toilet (I bypassed potty for toilet seat) saying "wee wee, good boy!"

But I am SO glad I did it now, as I think that getting in early is a good thing, and it's one thing less to worry about in later years.

And by the way, I shouted at him a lot when he wee-ed on the floor, his car seat etc . I say better out than in, and I don't believe all this stuff about saying "never mind, next time you'll get it". Obviously I never punished him, but I did let him know that wee-ing all over the floor wasn't acceptable, whereas wee-ing in the toilet was.

is it the potty itself he doesn't like? my ds hated his potty so we went straight to a little seat on the loo... could that help?

You are human - you will forgive yourself and move on from this...

get a ping pong ball get ds to draw a face on it and put it in the potty tell him its a game and he gets something tasty (doesnt have to be sweets whatever he likes to eat) if he hits it with his pee pee you can as he gets bigger transfer that into the loo... some dcs never like to use a potty my eldest went out of nappies and decided he wanted to copy daddy and so we got him a toilet seat so his bum fits and a step , my daughter went easily from nappy to potty to toilet , but my youngest ds whos asd was a total nightmare so i do truly empathise with you.
be kind to yourself it is hard your going to bugger up sometimes we all do.
other people say give them a toy on the potty or read to them try everything eventually you will find something ds likes and works for him. maybe tell him mummy sorry she has sad days too and treat him to a day out and maybe he would like a few days rest if he seems like he is upset when you try...its a set back not a disaster good luck

Thanks for the support, still feel like crap though! I seem to have turned into the mum I never want to be.

He wont sit on the toilet, if he does he just wants to put the tissue down the toilet and doesnt do anything, and thats if you can get him on there.

Just dont know the right time to do it, maybe it would be better after the baby is born? As im 25 weeks preg now, Im struggling to pick him up, and he is very strong.

He doesnt seem to know when he needs a wee, or seem very bothered when he has leaked all over his trousers either! Maybe he just isnt ready?

Sometimes I kid myself he is normal, when his speech has got so much better, only for me to meet another child who is younger and way more advanced and makes me feel like crap again. S'pose it doesnt help I go onto development boards and get the whose kid can do what now!

he still only 3 some dcs boys in particular can be late in this dept, also hes behind as you say anyway , perhaps hes just not quite getting the feeling yet , maybe feeling a bit dirty doesnt bother him, you have to get out of this feeling its something to do with you and something you have or have not done its nothing like that i promise.
ive 3 dcs and the first two were quick at everything (NT) and our youngest is completely different, he is still at 11 not dry at night im going to try and break this cycle now its summer hols with adult size pads to cover the matress as will tuck in better and no drink for hour before bed (his usually still doesnt work with him) and loads od extra new covers snd sheets out ready just in case but i think your dc is showing good signs hes nearly there the fact he can wee and poo on the potty at all, dont look on those boards please dont compare, there are plenty of dcs on here who will be wishing there dcs were as good as yours when in a few months time when you tell us youve cracked it...its not a race stop worrying my ds only cracked days when he was 8 (moderate asd, dyspraxic) so if your ds does it by four BE PROUD and give him a big MN hug and one for mum too

What about those little cushioned inserts for the toilet seat?

My ds2 (3 in sept) wont go near his potty so am trying those next

Gotta say we tried with ds (LD and ASD) when he was 3.5 and when he didn't get it, HV said try again in 8 weeks, (rather than LD nurse, whoes advice was pants less helpful...)

He was ready then, but still took more time to know when he needed to go, is now (not far off 5) reliably dry and has been clean daytimes for about 6 months. (still wet nights).

PS I haven't forgotten about the 'u know what', just very disorganised. But will get onto it this week.

try not to stress too much about it, easier said than done, I know it feels like the good mum competition to have a fully trained 2 year old at times. It's not that unusual for 36 month old boys not to be trained (according to Gina Ford's book it's something like 40%). You can soon create good associations again with bribery - whatever motivates him to sit on the potty, such as chocolate/sweeties/new DVD. and having a new load of bed linen to wash is demoralising, if it's not toilet training we have all lost our temper at some point with our kids, better to shout and let it out at the time than let it build up into an explosion further down the line, which is no good for anyone.

like sosce, my DS was never that interested in the potty, he was more interested in the toilet. He never started training till 3.5 btw.

yes sometimes a breaks a good thing and a few months down the line they just click but still if he doesnt its no biggie ... my mum said to me years ago when i couldnt get ds off his bottle then his comforter then his special cup and nappies trouble with them all with my last ds but mums advice rings in my ears.... stop worrying hes hardly going to be 18 in pull ups with a dumbie for comfort is he look a bit silly at work with his special name plastic mug too she right isnt she so take heart

Don't despair Anon. I appreciate that the cost is huge, but if he's not ready, he's not ready. I've had 3 late starters. Different tactics work with different children. 3.7 is the earliest age i've managed to potty train - and he's the one with SEN!
The HV (sane one who has had children!) said to wait until they acknowledged they had the sensation of doing something. Get a routine going of when to go - 20 - 30 minutes after food etc. If at first they don't get it, wait a couple of months and try again as in that time they will have forgotten any negative feelings toward it. Repeat as required!

potty training can be stressful so don't beat yourself up :)
from what you write, your DS doesn't sound quite ready yet. and keep in mind, he is not even 3 and delayed in his development. in DD's nursery there are several NT children aged 3 who are still in nappies.

DD1 (severe s&l disorder/delay, asd traits etc) was 2.9 when DD2 was born. I tried to potty train her before DD2 was due but she just was not ready and I didn't have the energy to deal with it either. we waited for a couple of month after DD2 was born and tried again. in the week she turned 3 DD1 finally decided to use the potty. she is now 3.5 and we are 6 month into our training (I never thought it could take that long but hey...). DD1 is now pretty much dry during the day (we are working on poos) and just in nappies during the night.

just give DS and yourself a bit more time. good luck.

after a certain age you get a free allowance of nappies if your child has a disability. Worth asking the parent partnership or your health visitor if you would qualify?

Thanks guys,

Think I will leave it until after baby is born now, he hopefully will be showing more signs then.

Just fed up of everyone banging on about being out of nappies, that Im just lazy for not bothering. Still having trouble with people telling me he will catch up in his development and boys are just lazy.

Not sure I would qualify for the nappies TheCrunchyside? we dont get any help financially for him, and whenever I mention DLA to anyone, (mainly family) they seem to think im making up his problems for our financial gain, and we wouldnt want to 'label' him (according to them).

Signandsmile no problem :)

thanks as for nappies ds has had them since 3, doesn't depend on getting any benefits in our area you ask HV for a 'continence assessment'. They have been a real help. (I seem to remember you only get 4 a day(?) and they come in a couple of huge boxes, enough to cover a couple of months then you 're-order' with a special phone number.) Altho different areas may do things different ways.

Agree with others about talking to the HV if your ds still needs nappies at 3 (3 here but older in some areas). I dont think it should matter that you don't get DLA.
Although it might be worth you looking into DLA in spite of what your family think,don't even tell them! Its not going to make a difference to you or him in terms of labelling him and would be a cushion to help with the extra things he needs (like nappies, extra laundry etc)

I actually cant remember the last I saw the HV, I dont really trust her as she was the one who kept telling me he was normal and all kids develop differently. It took an awful long time to convince her something wasnt right.

We only see a special early years teacher, would she be able to help at all?

I dont tell my family anything now, I was on antidepessants for a long time after losing my daughter, having a DS with with health problems and my mum hit the roof when she found out and told me to stop taking them saying they do more damage than good. So claiming DLA would be a def no-tell!

thats terrible anoncheck out if the HV ha changed you may be able too look at your surgery online and see whos on the team .
so sorry you have no one in the family you can tell they are in denial tage still quite common but thats of no comfort to you, if they cant say something nice they shouldnt comment at all bless.
google nhs (your area) continence service and see what comes up for where you live as could be the child development team may be able to asses for the nappy service hth

sorry keys sticking

Update,

Thought i'd try DS on potty last night, and basically took off his nappy and lay on the bed and said wanna potty? didnt look at him, he sat on it and did a poo! then we emptied it which he loves doing, he said again, so does it all again, ended up emptying 3 poo's and 2 wee's!

Even today did the same thing and had done 1 poo and 2 wee's!

So might just take the plunge and try it next week and see how it goes!

And saw speech therapist today for a review and they are really pleased with his progress and have offered more sessions which we have waited 8 months for!

Thought i'd update to let you know the latest.

Started potty training 2 weeks ago after he came in to me in the morning with potty in hand wanting a wee, and produced a gud un!! (and even had a dry nappy after 11 hours sleep!)

So took the plunge and started, we did the first week with just pants on and he only had few accidents with us asking him if he needs a wee, Then he started to ask himself and he did really well. Now we have upgraded to trousers and he still asks to use the potty, and hasn't had an accident for 3 days!!

Even managing to get out and about, keeping to places with loo's as he doesnt mind a toilet either!

Only thing is he doesnt take off his clothes himself he wants me to do it - is this about right? will that come later?

Cant believe how well he has done, im so proud, was dreading this as everything else has been such a struggle with him!

That's brilliant news, anon! The pulling down his own clothes will come, just make them easy ones, elastic waists, etc.

Oh that's great news, with everything else happening just what you need! well done little anon.

yay, well done!!!! ds was 100% dry but we had a regression now hes almost dry again, i did what you did and told ds off and felt absolutely terrible thought i'd buggered it up big time, theres something about potty training that as brought the worst out in me, but we are getting there and i'm relaxed about it now, my ds is also 3 in a couple of months, i know what you mean about the boasts from other people and when you see kids alot younger, at one point i had a frend with a 15month old who could talk better than ds and he was turned 2, must admit that really upset me x

looks like I spoke too soon, after 4 days with no accidents he wet himself earlier when he was only 2 feet away from potty grrr!! then playing outside he wet himself again, didnt even tell me he wanted to wee.

Did redeem himself slightly by telling me he wanted a wee after and did a huge poo on the potty outside, he hasnt been for 2 days, and he decides he needs it then, boys!!!

He has been really naughty lately by keep throwing things, and i'm losing my patience with him tbh, I dont want him throwing at the new baby, he screams when I tell him no, and we end up with a tantrum I dont feel I can handle him at all at the moment, any ideas anyone? Its like talking to a brick wall!

Salad sandwich I can totally relate had a visit from someone the other day whose child is 6 weeks younger than my DS and she was like 'oh your potty training, oh I remember the days!' as though her child had been doing it years. Even if DS hadnt got GDD that comment would still have pissed me off.