ADS /AS Teen - Do you have any helpful strategies - DD14 and controls everything

[50000feet]

Hi - Dd14 DX about a month ago ADS / Aspergers. I find that now I know about ADS, and when she displays bad behaviour, I now don't know what to do? I get confused with teen issues and how I 'used' to deal with things and now ADS and if I should be doing it differently. You can probably tell, I am confused. I find a lot of my reading is about young children and not a lot about teens. DD moody and rude, always wants her own way, always wants it now, lies to get it, hits out to get it etc etc. Smokes, drinks, stays out late, mostly late and school is on speed dial with detentions every week. Don't get me wrong she can also be loving and really nice and even sometimes very child like. Anyway just looking for top tips and anyone else out there with a teen?

Teenagers are pretty much a nightmare anyway, ime. I would not make too much difference just because of the new diagnosis, as ASD/AS kids need boundaries too, perhaps even more so. It is a very delicate balance between giving certain rules that keep her safe, but not putting in place so many rules that she storms off and does something silly. I think "pick your battles" may be the best piece of advice? Ie,only put your foot down on the absolutely crucial stuff, and let the petty stuff go. My DH and I have had lots of rows about this, as I used to think he should be firmer, but I actually think he is probably right to let some low-level rudeness go but put his foot down on the big stuff. The other thing is not to get into a face-off or confrontation,and don't be drawn into her world by getting into back and forth rows. You are the adult, these are the rules, and the reasons for the rules are safety, then give her time to absorb rather than getting in to a huge debate about the why's and wherefores. The aspergers will give her more rigidity and inability to change her viewpoint, but it may also give her more ability to understand that there has to be a framework of black and white rules. A teen with AS can sometimes be very very stubborn, but then so can a nf teen! hope that helps, if only a little

Have a look at Tony Attwood's website. link here

Hi 50000 feet How I feel your pain. My DS 14 HF ASD is very similar although he doesn't do the smoking, drinking and staying out late bit - yet!
But we do get the lying, rudeness, tantrums when doesn't get own way and constant arguing for the sake of arguing, refusal to do anything around the house and expecting to be waited on.
I just put it down to hormones really and treat it as normal teenage behaviour (if you go on 'talk teens' section you will find lots of NT teenagers behave the same way).
We have developed a thick skin re the insults/rudeness and stick to our guns over rules. Poor behaviour always has consequences. Be consistent. Just hope they grow out of it eventually!.

Our local ASD charity runs workshops for parents whose DCs have a recent diagnosis.

One thing they said was to disregards the condition and focus on the behaviour. So you decide if the behaviour is acceptable to you, if it is then roll with it, if not then you need to show you will not tolerate it in a way that they will understand.

So basically as others have said, pick your battles.

I have gone through the teenage years with one dd who is NT. From the age of 14 she was a nightmare and was doing all the things you have posted here. She did have emotional issues to deal with and unfortunately chose the path that the world owed her and she would put nothing back. School was for swats and mum will pay for anything I want so life is sweet. The way I look at it is that up till 14 they are your children and you are mum......from 14 to 17/18 they have turned into aliens and you are the enemy from stopping them growing up and not chilling! Then all of a sudden the drinking and the hanging out late becomes "boring" and they suddenly return to your child again

Your sense of authority goes right out the window when you say "you are grounded and not going out" and the reply you get is "watch this space, talk to the hand" and then the front door opens and out they walk. It is a really REALLY difficult period NT or SN. I really do feel for you.

You definately do have to pick your battles and you have to choose consequences carefully. If they make a mistake (ie got into trouble) dont run to their rescue and fight their battles as they will know you will come running next time. Make them face the consequence of their actions or the long walk home if they missed the bus. They are also very clever in trying to play one against the other by going to each parent, so you and your partner must talk it over together and form an agreement to back each other up so that when a challenge arises you are both batting from the same corner. Also which is hard is that I found confrontation worse if we were both having a go at the same time. A teen when cornered is not pleasant my dd seemed worse if she felt ganged up on. We found if one of us were involved in a confrontation we carried it out to the end. If my dd then looked to my DH his only answer would be "your mother is right there is no room for discussion" and he would carry on with whatever he was doing. I would do the same but we would only speak if she tried to drag the other into the argument iyswim.

It sounds so fool proof printed here lol but I can also add there is a lot of frustration, hair pulling, sleepless nights and going grey!

If we didnt have hormones to contend with teenage life would be less of a rollercoaster!

Thank you for these really valued replies. Sorry I should have come back sooner. I guess your right I have to pick the battles - DD got caught shoplifting so the Internet got switched off. What amazed me was DD wasn't bothered and bragged about it on fb. The two friends who got caught with her were terrified. Now I have found that there are lots of things missing..... Looks like I have to concentrate on this one. Here we go.....

Was interested to read your thread ... I am in a very similar situation but a year behind. Dd getting DX in September but life is a roller coaster of highs I (many sugar induced) and anger ... What dd wants she expects to get on her terms no questions asked. Life is a continual battle and she has now started stealing from us but denies saying she has no money despite the fact she had £12 in her bag. About £70 have gone missing over last 3 weeks. Dd went shopping claimed friend had bought stuff for her - false eyelashes , hair extensions etc Any jobs we offer her do not pay enough!! She spends all her time watching tv and just views activities or jobs as sad. I am afraid I do not have any solution but we battle on trying to keep lines of communication going and sticking to rules and boundaries. Does your dd have self esteem, OCD problems as well? Good luck keep going! Let me know how you get on..

I have a 12 year old and have similar problems. What I have learned is there is no POINT in trying to deal with anything while they are in kick off mood. I wait till we are both calm, and take it from there, cos it just ends up in a shouting match. I send her to her room.if she refuses to go, I do the broken record technique until she obeys (usually with so much stomping on the stairs, the house shakes)

Then I speak to her calmly and tell her that I refuse to accept her behaviour/rudeness/lying etc.and punish her, same way that I would punish her sisters who are NT. Groundings,no TV etc. I wait for an opportunity to bring up a subject that I want to discuss with her, when it presents itself, eg something on the TV,something she has read/done at school.

My DD seems to have cyclical moods, sometimes she gets hyper for a few days,next she goes into her "egg" as I call it,where she is sullen and refuses to communicate with the world. I just leave her then.

I am far from perfect, and don't have all the answers, and struggle to cope sometimes myself, but I try not to treat her any differently.

Personally I think only 15-20% of their bad behaviour is Aspie related and the rest is just them being teenage brats! :)

It's really hard eh! Everyday I wonder what the day will bring. Today it's a trip to the police station as she has been groomed by a 26 year old. Going to start another thread on that to ask advice????? X

you may find these research papers provide some insight to some of the potential communication problems Reading Faces for Information about Words and Emotions in Adolescents with Autism
and Functional atlas of emotional faces processing: a voxel-based meta-analysis of 105 functional magnetic resonance imaging studies
Both of which are included in CiteULike Group "Autism" library (currently) 182 articles

Dolfrog. Thanks will have a good read. :)