relationship problems with DH partly involving SN ds

[imawigglyworm]

Hi, Sorry if this si in the wrong place but I started a thread in relationships and have had a few replies but thought maybe some of you wth SN children could also shed some light/give advice. heres the link
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1256383-is-there-a-way-foward?msgid=26382849#26382849
I know only my lastest post mentions DS3 (whos 2) but alot of our problems (I feel) are based on the help DH gives me with him. he knows exactly how I feel but doesnt to much to help the situation.
Does having a SN child always put a strain on marriages? How do you/ have you got through it?
TIA

so - you have a young child with SN hanging off you all day, and not sleeping through the night, and not much support form DH. And he wonders where your sex drive has gone . Sounds like you need a break, for the sake of your morale/mental health - a break not in sense of a split but chance for you to rest up, go out, have hobbies etc. Could you afford to get some nursery/childminding hours for your DS? Is he under a paediatrician (they might be able to offer some help, possibly melatonin if necessary - re:sleep issues).

Hi,

I found that when hubby was in the forces and working away from home a lot our relationship was fine. It was then all that ended that it became strained.

1. Because he had never and couldn't accept the fact that one of our children was SN (he believed when ds reached 18 he would be okay)

2. He did try to help but in the end it was left to me (he told me he just couldn't cope)

3. We talked about our relationship and the relationship he had with ds. which was strained to say the least. I know once he accepted ds was ds and nothing was going to change that, he changed.

You need to find out if hubby has accepted the fact that he has a child with SN, and all that entails, for some reason to me it seems harder for men to accept.

Our relationship has become stronger as the years have gone by. We are at the moment once again under a lot of strain in our relationship through circumstances that are not of our making. But I know we will emerge at the end stronger.

Paed gave him melatonin but it didnt seem to work (for Ds he falls alseep really well but its keeping him asleep) but I was going to give it another go as we probably tried it 6mths+ ago.
cant really afford nursery/childminder tbh and its the issue of DS being so clingy & subborn that he doesnt let anyone except me feed him/give him a drink etc -currently working with portage on that one as hes due to start pre school next year!
I dont get to go out often, DH never stops me its more the money side of things, but I dont really have hobbies as i dont have time. Ive been thinking about what I could do for a hobby but I think ive been mummy so long that ive sort of lost my idenity.

and your 1st few sentences are so true totalchaos, ive tried explaining it to him and all he says is I should see a dr or sex therapist to 'get something to help'!
Tricia7212, thats a good way to look at it, might be worth having a 'how do you feel about ds?' chat because I think that might be an issue too.

I think that it takes the dads longer to accept that there child has a problem because they are not having to deal with it as much. We were in a similar situation ds not sleeping at night and I was always the one to deal with it. DH wouldn't really interact much with ds so in the end I wasn't getting any break from ds so I decided that after tea each night ds and dh would have quality time together in a seperate room so I could at least have half an hour to myself. This meant dh had to interact and keep ds happy. This worked because I got a break and dh learnt about ds problems. Maybe you could do this and make him take responsibilty for dc at least then he may realise why you are too tired for sex.

Thank you fabmum sounds like a good idea, will give it a go.