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Finding it hard to get her to do as she's told - not just a SN related thing so anyone pls answer

57 replies

ThomCat · 08/11/2005 17:38

I'm not sure how much is her just not really understanding me and how much is her exerting her will, or trying to exert her will over me.

This morning she was on my bed, lying down, chewing on a piece of toast, and I said 'right, Charlotte come downstairs now please, put your shoes on' 'NO' 'and your coat on' 'NO' 'and then we can go to school' 'NO'. So I then said 'Yes Charlotte, I want you to come downstarirs please so we can go to school' 'NO'. 'Stop saying no to mummy that's naughty, come down now please' 'NO'. It ended up with me getting a bit cross with her so that she could tell I was serious and I had to physically bump her down each stair.

I went into the kitchen to get her lunch box and when I came back she was sitting at the top of the stairs looking down at me! Now part of me wants to crack up laughing and part of me loves that she's cheeky and strong willed etc, but I need her to do as she's told.

So I went up to her and saying 'naughty, no Charlotte. Mummy says downstairs now please'. There was no laughing and being silly playing games, her face was dead pan, she was testing me.

Do I go through this over and over and eventually she'll have to give in and start doing as she's told?

What would you have done differently?

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stitch · 08/11/2005 17:40

id have lost it, given a smack, and then sat in the car, either blaring the horn, or sitting reading my book.
or id have yelled a bit, told her we were getting late, and gone and sat in the car,

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stitch · 08/11/2005 17:41

tc. how old is she/?

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moondog · 08/11/2005 17:41

A lot is to do with being a small girl I reckon.

In this sort of situation I say
'OK then,I'm going without you' and make for the door.
I do this with all naughtiness/tantrums actually and it works pretty well.

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Enid · 08/11/2005 17:43

I would h ave done the same as you tc

no smiling, cross face, wagging finger also.

Or I would say, right ok, I am going to go without you unless you come down straight away

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bundle · 08/11/2005 17:43

no toast upstairs - then ask her to go downstairs so you can get ready for school AND have some toast. mix carrot/stick. too much stick (or too many NOs) counter-productive imo.

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ThomCat · 08/11/2005 17:49

She'llbe 4 at Xmas, has Down's syndrome.

I did go down without her and say I'm going now and then went to the car to take bags out, then came back, she was still sat at the top of the stairs.

bundle, sorry not clear on this part of your post : mix carrot/stick. too much stick (or too many NOs) counter-productive imo.

The toast had been given to her downstairs but she came up with the last piece while I was getting the last of my bits together.

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Enid · 08/11/2005 17:49

ooh, no toast on bed - tc, the crumbs!

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ThomCat · 08/11/2005 17:53

I'll cope with the crumbs if there are any, not easy to keep her downstairs while i'm on my own and trying to get us both out of the house for the day.
Anyway toast on the bed really doesn't bother me, what bothers me is handling the situation so that she reaslises she must do as mummy asks and making sure it doesn't turn into me shouting and getting upset with her.

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bundle · 08/11/2005 17:53

I mean no going back upstairs, breakfast has to stay downstairs..do you have a door to stop her?

My girls have both gone through similar stroppy phases and keeping to a fairly strict routine, so repeating the message is probably good. the days I'm least organised at home are obviously the ones where the girls try it on like this...

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bundle · 08/11/2005 17:55

I'm with enid on the crumbs..sends mixed message if you let her eat in the bedroom

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LIZS · 08/11/2005 17:56

I'd have done the same. dd (4) also says she won't brush teeth/get dressed/ get ready for school etc and we are on a tight time schedule. Threatening to take her in her pj's seems to work atm and I just get her ready with no interaction regardless she usually becomes cooperative at some point! I also try to distract her by asking how she wants her hair today which diffuses the situation a little. i also try not to ask closed questions - so a No answer becomes less of an option and it rather throws her - like "where are your shoes, can you find them for me ?"

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ThomCat · 08/11/2005 17:57

Yeah but we have always been hugely relaxed about breakfast and often bring her breakfast in bed, always have done, beakfast isn't the issue here with me tbh.
As D leaves as I get up I feel better with her having her toast upstairs with me while I get ready for work, than downstaris in the kitchen on her owm.
Anuway, this really isn't a where she eats toast thing, it's generally about making her understand I want her to do as mummy asks.

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bundle · 08/11/2005 18:01

but if you're hugely relaxed about breakfast then she might misinterpret this as being hugely relaxed about everything, including putting shoes on etc. the toast was just an eg of how i'd do it.

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ThomCat · 08/11/2005 18:02

In fact, can we just ignore the whole toast thing, pretend she wasn't eating toast on my bed, and see how we get on with trying to get her to come downstairs, and in general, do as she's asked then! Thanks, TC x

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ThomCat · 08/11/2005 18:03

Yes she might think I'm hugely relaxed about everything, that's very true. Truth is, I am, but I do now and then need her to do as she's told.

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bundle · 08/11/2005 18:04

but TC that is part of it.

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Lillypond · 08/11/2005 18:05

Thomcat - wish I knew how to get DS to do as he's told. But I'm watching with interest incase anyone might have the answer At the moment I just pick him up but I wish he would just co-operate with me instead.

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ThomCat · 08/11/2005 18:07

Okay, well tbh if I have to start being strict about loads of things that don't worry me then I think I might just put up with struggling with her to put her shoe on sometimes!!
I thought it was ok to be relaxed about where she ate her toast but acceptable for her to get that she has to put her coat and shoes on when i ask her to???!

Not easy is it this being a parent lark!!

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bundle · 08/11/2005 18:09

TC, they don't differentiate

I'm often the "bad cop" at home, but the girls take me much more seriously than more laid-back dh.. cos they know I mean it when I say something (eg turn off tv when it's bathtime instead of asking them to do it 6 times before they actually do it)

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ThomCat · 08/11/2005 18:09

See that's what I've stopped doing Lillypond. As she can't walk I always picked her up and carried her down but for a while now I've been making her take responsibility and get herself downstairs when asked. It's not easy though as today, in particular, proved.

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Lillypond · 08/11/2005 18:10

No I can imagine. Aren't you about 8 months pregnant as well?

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ThomCat · 08/11/2005 18:12

I totally see where you are coming from bundle, but I can't be soemone I'm not. D and I are both massively relaxed most of the time but we were hoping that when we asked for something to be done, it was done.

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ThomCat · 08/11/2005 18:12

Yep, i'm 34 weeks, dee 22 Dec. One big reason why I started to stop carrying her downstairs!

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bundle · 08/11/2005 18:14

that's going to be hard for her to figure TC if you're v relaxed the rest of the time, but I do appreciate your pov. having said i'm a bad cop, i can be quite chilled too...and my kids don't always do what they're told either..
I started following through with some of the sanctions because there was too much lip/stroppiness going on. i'm not like that all the time, honest

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nutcracker · 08/11/2005 18:21

I think you handled it really well TC, and i think so long as you are consistent in your approach to her behaviour then she will begin to understand that you don't like that behaviour.

Also if you are happy with the toast thing then leave it as it is, don't stress about things that really don't matter, whats a few crumbs.

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