Finding it hard to get her to do as she's told - not just a SN related thing so anyone pls answer

[ThomCat]

I'm not sure how much is her just not really understanding me and how much is her exerting her will, or trying to exert her will over me.

This morning she was on my bed, lying down, chewing on a piece of toast, and I said 'right, Charlotte come downstairs now please, put your shoes on' 'NO' 'and your coat on' 'NO' 'and then we can go to school' 'NO'. So I then said 'Yes Charlotte, I want you to come downstarirs please so we can go to school' 'NO'. 'Stop saying no to mummy that's naughty, come down now please' 'NO'. It ended up with me getting a bit cross with her so that she could tell I was serious and I had to physically bump her down each stair.

I went into the kitchen to get her lunch box and when I came back she was sitting at the top of the stairs looking down at me! Now part of me wants to crack up laughing and part of me loves that she's cheeky and strong willed etc, but I need her to do as she's told.

So I went up to her and saying 'naughty, no Charlotte. Mummy says downstairs now please'. There was no laughing and being silly playing games, her face was dead pan, she was testing me.

Do I go through this over and over and eventually she'll have to give in and start doing as she's told?

What would you have done differently?

Sorry the toast for me wouldn't be a big deal, gettign ready to time is ! Don't think you need to be strict all round, just about the things that matter most and finding a routine to get less stressed when your 8 months pg is a biggie. Can you give her a count of 5 to do as she is asked or would that be beyond her understanding. Also "race mummy" to get her shoes/coat on might work.

You could try a timer/countdown. Also you MUST find something that she really wants to get her downstairs, even if its a special toy just in the car. You could also try a simple visual timetable, I'm guessing she likes school so it could be shoes/coat, car and school with big hearts, stars round it. Otherwise you will be "asking" her to do things and getting cross forever imo.

I was thinking along the lines of a visual timetable too.

I got sooo fed up with whinging at my ds to do everything in the morning that last week I ran out a grid Mon - Sun and got him to think of and write down the things he has to do in the morning: turn off lights, draw curtains, get dressed, clean teeth etc. I got it laminated at work and now I just say "do the list please" and watch in amazement as he does each thing and comes and ticks it off his list! IF he gets everything done before 8am, he can play for 10 minutes on his GameBoy.

Dunno how long he will do this for, but am going to enjoy it whilst I can and have just run out an evening one to do too.

His GameBoy is the only bargaining tool I have (besides ringing daddy). Does Lottie have anything like this that you can use as a treat for doing as she's told?

that's a good idea choco - must try that one too. Thomcat I'd have handled it the same as you. My DS is in a major NO phase and have to resort to physically moving him to car/bath/bed several times a week. Not the first time we've been through this. Think it's a phase to test your limits - be tough!(sounds easy when I type it on here!!!)

hey, my ds eats toast in bed somwetimes - MY bed sometimes! And he can't put his shoes on in less than an hour so v im[pressed with Lottie. I think it's normal T/C - she's growing up your girl!
A sense of humour helps - lucky you've got a great one. Make a joke of it 'Lottie! Where are you?' Get her to 'sneak up on you' or find something before you do. Or grab her and drag her down while shrieking like a Harpy...one of the two always works

I tell my dd ,aged 4, that if she doesn't get ready that's fine but she can go straight to the Secretary's Office and explain why she's late.
It's worked every time but one when she took over half an hour to get dressed.....

She is SSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO slow!!!

Another thought, get something she's really interested in just outside........a plant? snails?.....leaves?......

Thank God your son eats toast in bed Aloha, and that othes think it's as ok as i do, feel normal again now!

Like the visual timetable idea, sounds really good. I have a visual days of the week thing we use and I could just add to that, sounds great, thanks.
Also agree that there has to be something more tempting to come down for and will use 'orseyyy' (her little soft toy horse) as bait!

LOL - this evening I got to mums to pick her up, and said 'Can you put you coat on Lottie so we can get in the car and go and get daddy', putting more emphasis on the important/key words. She said 'OK', climbed off the sofa, put her arms in the holes and threw it over her, and bum shuffled into the hall!

I can't give you any advice, because I just want to cuddle Lottie Can visualise her face now I've met her - must be very hard not to smile back at her, TC!

Agree that you can't be someone you're not - and I'm v relaxed with DS about things. But I do have a serious tone of voice I use (deeper than usual) - I keep it for special occasions when I want him to do something. It can make him cry, so I need to work on it

Argh Thomcat you have just described my daughter's behaviour this week. She has turned from an angel into a stroppy teenager (she is 3). Everything is "NO!" until I am longing for the days when you could just beat them with a stick.

(I've got a 4-week-old too ... GAH good luck mate)

PMSL - at the days you could beat them with a stick.

Didn't want to laugh this morning Hunker but yes, often I have to turn away and hide my smile!

Couldn't believe how easy she was this morning. Actually looking forward to tomorrows morning challenge now after starting this thread.
And can't wait to get laminating my visual timetable!

TC...a laminator, eh? Want to take up the card challenge?

Hey Socci - nice to 'see' you
It's semi new, but I think it might be the terrible two's. Everything with children who have Down's syndrome is delayed, inc the terrible two's! So it might be that. When I told my mum she just laughed and siad 'she's so her mother's daughter' which is true as well, LOL!

hunker - I reckon 9 out of 10 SN mothers own a laminator worth their weight in gold!

part of it is just testing her boundaries - dd1 is going through a no phase - I tend to shorten the phrases - downstairs please, try not to ask her which gives her a choice iyswim and then usually all else fails - go without her BUT i have the bait ie dd2. I simply say oh well babydd2 and I are going. BYE. generally that works although she has at times said bye and been quite happy to stay home by herself - not that she gets the choice. That is when I have to come and get her and carry her downstairs to the car iyswim.

I think sometimes I overwhelm her with words and rather than keeping it short and simple she gets lost in the sentence iyswim.

I am also learning what is important not to give in to iyswim. timetables are great too dd1 really responds to that.

Oh, yes - know about the laminator/SN mum correlation - just wondered if you fancied cardmaking

Message withdrawn

LOL, I did think it was quite mad, in a smiley sot of way, how the toast thing became bigger than anything else

Anyway, bring on tomorrow morning!

Thomcat, I agree that it sounds like "terrible twos", in which case I would try to avoid a confrontation from the beginning. If you end up in one then I agree you need to stick to your guns and see it out but still better to try and avoid. Rather than give direct instructions would she understand choices "Do you want to put your shoes on or your coat on first?". Or as Aloha suggests make it a game, bump downstairs together (if you can in your condition ), make her teddy go downstairs first.

I agree that you need some discipline but I don't think there is any point in creating confrontation if it can be avoided in the beginning. I don't think it matters if you are very relaxed about everything (probably a good thing) as long as you are consistent about the things you are not relaxed about.

Thanks Saker. And yes LOL - I do bump with her! Agree about consistancy and think we are, esp about getting out of the house on time for school.

Well this morning went really well. I left her upstairs and went to make her packed lunch and she came down of her own accord. Then when it was time to leave I said 'Okay, let's put oiur shoes on' and she said 'no' with an impish grin, I asked to not say no to mummy and then said 'right come on horsey, let's go andf put our shoes on', to which she resonded with the right giggles and bum shuffled to the hall, sat on the stair and gave 1 show to me and shoved horsey in the other.

A good morning, topped off with another of the mums offering to carry Lottie into school while I just carried her bag and l;unch box, bliss, what a massive difference that made.

So happy days, at least for today

TC- ds1 is a nightmare at the moment, thinks it's hilarious to do the opposite (so for example he gets undressed as I get him dressed which is incredibly annoying). He has the understanding to know that he's being naughty, but doesn't reaqlly have the ability to care. If I'm struggling I tend to pair it with something good. So "get dressed then biscuit" or "get dressed the microwave on". Generally that works immediately.

With ds2 I would just say "ok I'm off- bye" and walk away, but that would never work with ds1. He'd just skip off happily to sit on the fridge freezer.

Otherwise visual timetables etc can be good.

Yeah the 'right i'm off anyway' trick doesn't work here either, she's totally nonplussed by that.

I am going to do this visual timetable thing, i think it's a great idea.
You use them as well do you?
Where do you source your pictures of, say, a pair of shoes? Do you take digital pics of your children own shoes and then laminate that?
And same with pic of school? Shall I go everywhere with the digital camera for a while?

I would take photos BUT don't have too many! Keep it simple. I drowned under piles of pix at one time and it all became ineffective. Its amazing, once you decide something is a problem and you're going to do something about it, it gets better! Still best to be prepared though.