what happened to your friends after your DC SN became obvious?

[chocjunkie]

hi,

have DD (3) with severe S&L delay and suspected ASD...

I wondered what happened to your friendships.

I basically have two types of friends: the childless friends from my pre-mother time and the friends I made after I had DD.

I am slowly loosing contact with most of my childless friends (normal I suppose, as going out etc isn't really an option for me any more and we therefore hardly ever see each other anymore; also, I know they find DD rather irritating and therefore don't really come around anymore).

but I am much more troubled by the friends I made since I had DD. one friend is really great with DD and me despite DD's problems and my constant moaning. so glad I have her!

the other friends, however, seem to really get annoyed by DD (her trantrums, non-talking and other various quirks). I can't really talk to them about my worries either. I usually only get two types of responses - either telling me I am overly worried and DD will be fine or (and I find this really, really offensive), telling me how lucky I am that DD isn't very verbal yet - at least she isn't able to argue and to talk back as friends DC do . I feel the friendship with these friends is slowly but surely dying down.

Is it normal that most of the friends you once had slowly disappear once it becomes obvious that your child has SN?

I think it varies, I have friends who have non SN children who just accept DS as he ois. I have also made really good friends at the local SN centre and at least one who has a DS same age as my DS with similar ASD traits - they get on fab and so do we

It's crap if they are shutting you out - it's not catching ffs. The respoinses you are getting are sadly fairly typical of people who don't really know what to say or are ignorant of the anxieties you have.

My in laws are great at these comments and FIL certainbly thinks DS is "just naughty"
Not all friends will disappear but certainly you will find out who your true friends are as they will be there for you.

It depends on strength and what your friendship is built on. ALL the mums I was friends with since having DD2 have gone. They were they ones saying "oh shes not sitting yet, oh shes not walking yet" types.
They clearly dont get it and tbh our friendship was built on the fact we had babies at the same time :(

I have a wonderful set of SN friends from a group I joined for DD1, who dont care what my girls do, understand a bad day and get that sometime you need a good moan.
I have older friends who I have built friendships with via work or our religious group which have stood the test but I dont talk DDs as much to them tbh.

HTH

My DH once asked me 'do all your friends have SN kids?' - Er, no - but lots do. I think friendship is a lot about identifying with someone else and understanding what makes them tick. So i suppose we're more likely to be drawn to people who we 'recognise' ourselves in.
I have old uni friends who are spread far and wide - so it probably helps that it's mainly electronic communication!
I also have 2 friends that i met at post natal groups - when none of us had any idea what would be. So i suppose we have grown closer as we have all had to go through the 'is this normal' and who should i talk to about this' situations.
I must admit, i do like having friends that don't talk kids all the time - it's nice to have a mental break now and again!

I too have had similar comments
Some long standing friends(childless and with dcs) are still great

As ds's SNs emerged,people who had had babies at a similar time used to plan trips out together and not invite us-or they seemed to use him as a learning project for their dcs-oh look how good they are with the SN child (NOT in a good way) Do I see them any more ?NO

It took time,but I have a great group of friends now who are in a similar situation-all mums of children with SNs (of different varieties !)

You need support,as being the only person with a child with SNs in a group can be lonely-Is there an opportunity group nearby?-or get in touch with your local SS and see if they do outreach/coffee mornings - and of course keep posting on here !

As I said it did take time and you will learn who are true friends and you will make new ones.

I have a few friends from when I was a teenager (am in my 40's now) that I am still communicating with regularly, but they are abroad so it's mostly phone, email, or letter.

Locally, yes I've noticed that it does dampen things a bit, as obviously we simply can't do some of the activities that other friends' children can do and some simply don't understand. But by the same token, we've also met some friends through various SN meetings and such, so while it can be isolating, you can limit how isolating it is by taking steps to get out and meet up with people. I've found that sometimes it can be a real struggle to go out and have a social life, but like anything else, it's worth it to try.

Personal experience... The good friends/family stayed, the rubbish ones who weren't inclusive and very judgemetal left.

Now I have a nice little circle of decent people around me :)

thanks DS

My main friends are family members (only a couple) and friends that work with of have ASD children. Most of my old friends have vanished or only talk to me via facebook. I am now trying to get out more and make new friends through support groups ect.

Pretty much both all my friends have SN kids.

Like you said, others either say hurtful comments about it not being so bad, or she'll catch up when she's ready, or they know someone even worse. Or you feel like they're judging you and your kids :(

Nothing changed. Seems like we are very fortunate in that.

But then we moved and everyone who knows us now has only ever known us as a family with children with autism, so I suppose people who would have a problem have just not bothered with us.

I think people who have a problem with a disabled child are best off out of your life.

Most of my friends with kids have kids with sn. I found friends without kids easier at the worst times, as they wld not try to minimise my concerns and wld not have the pain of seeing their same age kids achieving so much more

I was so glad to move towns when ds was 3 as the friends I made when he was born basically melted away when he started showing signs of having aspergers (not that we knew it at the time). He didn't talk until he was 3 either.

Some stopped calling, 2 actually asked us to stay away!

Two sets of friends stood out from the crowd though and were fantastic when I was at rock bottom, 8 months pregnant and trying to finish my degree when ds was almost 3. They were very supportive, said nice things about ds and kept inviting us round.

After we moved we made new friends who understood about ds, they were very different although their dc did not have special needs.

I had a strange experience. One of my best friends had a child who was deaf. This was BC for me. I felt like I gave her a lot of support. I went to sign language classes with her and was her child's godmother. I was someone she trusted to babysit her DS. When we were both pregnant at the same time we saw lots of each other. When the dc were born we also saw lots of each other. When my DS started to show he had SN she dropped me like a stone.

I felt really hurt. I thought it should have brought us closer if anything. I thought she would be supportive. She had already experience of statements and DLA etc. But it felt as if I had taken something from her. She wasn't the only one needing help and sympathy now. My DS and her DD couldn't play together properly. She just stopped calling.

I have quite a few friends through the kids and a few from before. My DS is in MS and there aren't any others of a similar age with SN so that's a bit tricky. They are nice enough but don't really understand. Those from when DS went to CDC who have dc with sn are good friends but all our dc go to different schools, MS and SS, so we only get together occasionally. I'm happy enough tho'.

One of my friends has just removed her kids from my son's last school in protest at how he was treated! I would never have dreamed of asking anyone to do something like that for me, and since it happened have kind of holed up with only Mumsnet for company. It's so weird as she wasn't one of those I would have thought had great sympathy for my DS before this happened, our only common interest is a love of cake baking. (She will finall get her hands on my lemon drizzle recipe when I see her next!).

Others have of course drifted away & a few neighbours have been downright nasty. I've had to develop a very thick skin, which has not been easy.

It's very similar to what a lot of women go through when they divorce - the first wife is forgotten & treated wth mistrust in some circles, and the 2nd suddenly has invites to all the dinner parties. I suspsect the feelings of mild betrayal & isoloation are similar.

As you go through life some friendships naturally come to an end as people change and mature anyway. It just hurts so much more when it involves your child doesn't it? Everything has it's season, and the friends who don't want to know will eventually be replaced in your heart with those who will support you.

I do agree with the lady above that you need to be careful that your child's needs don't distract you to the point you become merely a "taker" in any relationship. For it to be mutually beneficial you have to ensure you listen sometimes too, even if others worries about their kids seem totally trivial in comparison to your own. Otherwise you'll be the lady mentioned by Ellenjane1.

"Them as mind don't matter, and them that matter don't mind" - my mantra : )

Thanks for your analysis, bochead. I did worry, that perhaps I was asking too much and she couldn't cope with both needing support and being supportive. That perhaps I had become too much of a 'taker.' But I never had that feeling with later friends who's DC had SN. It was all mutual support. No sympathy so much as that can make you feel down, but empathy.

EllenJane1 - it doesn't sound as if you were the one at fault! I think you are right she couldn't cope with being supportive as her own needs were so great, it's a real shame for her as it'll affect all her relationships sooner or later.

You certainly don't come across as one of life's "takers" here on the forum - as a newbie, I've taken on board an awful lot of the advice you've given others.

thanks for all the answers - makes kind of depressing reading but it pretty much ties in with what I start to experience. suppose the change in friend/relationships for people in our shoes is probably just part of the child-with-SN-package.

DD is due to start nursery (MS) in April. maybe I should try to find local groups for children with similar problems as DD. seems to be the way forward for friendships

would probably also be healthier for me. I am so full of this "my child can do this and that and bla bla bla" from friends with NT kids

but then... who knows what other nice people I might meet due to DD's SN...

where are you?

in the north west...

Thanks Bochead. I did know what you meant but it did make me think about my own actions also.

Chocjunkie, it's a hard thing but, to be honest, it's quite positive to find out who your real friends are and to get shot of the fair weather ones.

I feel I've been forced to join a 'parent of DC with SN' club. I didn't want to join it but, actually, I've met some lovely, generous people from more walks of life than perhaps I would have otherwise met.

yep ellen, I think you said that very nicely :)

chocjunkie,I'm in the north-west too.My dd2,4,has isolated speech delay(non-verbal) & is hypermobile.

I'm a bit of a loner,so only have very close friends,my best friend(who is single & has no children)sometimes doesn't get where I'm coming from with the problems we have but is going on a makaton course,so she can communicate with dd.My other good friend(who has children & a sister with DS)is wonderful.

I think hanaka88 made a good point about it weeding out the bad ones & we don't need them anyway,do we??

PM me if you want to talk

Liverpool has an asd support group called parent interest group, bolton has a good group too which also has activities for kids with sn, oh and fleetwood too, dont know of what groups there are elsewhere in nw, there will be more than that, poss on nas website

I think we are v average, have let some friends 'fade' as their responses were 'unhelpful' IYSWIM . added some new ones mostly with kids with SN, and kept and maintained some lovely ones who though they don't have kids with SN, or even kids at all, have made the effort to 'walk with us.

The people I have got to know through groups/organisations/other SN stuff are a source of great joy and support, feel very blessed to know them.

I did like the minding/mattering comment! my thoughts exactly!

This is an interesting thread for me. It is sad to hear that people here have lost friends as a result.

I haven't felt very supported by my friends at all since having dd and is a constant source of sadness for me really. Those that do mention dd's difficulties often do so in the light of making their own dc look better - still can't believe they could be so competitive tbh! For others it is the elephant in the room

I would love to meet local parents who have dc with SN but there seems to be no-one as we live in a rural area. Just have to get on with it I guess