what happened to your friends after your DC SN became obvious?

[chocjunkie]

hi,

have DD (3) with severe S&L delay and suspected ASD...

I wondered what happened to your friendships.

I basically have two types of friends: the childless friends from my pre-mother time and the friends I made after I had DD.

I am slowly loosing contact with most of my childless friends (normal I suppose, as going out etc isn't really an option for me any more and we therefore hardly ever see each other anymore; also, I know they find DD rather irritating and therefore don't really come around anymore).

but I am much more troubled by the friends I made since I had DD. one friend is really great with DD and me despite DD's problems and my constant moaning. so glad I have her!

the other friends, however, seem to really get annoyed by DD (her trantrums, non-talking and other various quirks). I can't really talk to them about my worries either. I usually only get two types of responses - either telling me I am overly worried and DD will be fine or (and I find this really, really offensive), telling me how lucky I am that DD isn't very verbal yet - at least she isn't able to argue and to talk back as friends DC do . I feel the friendship with these friends is slowly but surely dying down.

Is it normal that most of the friends you once had slowly disappear once it becomes obvious that your child has SN?

I echo what everyone else has said. Just surround yourself with people that love you and your child!

We lost 2 very good friends. A couple we'd known since we were all teenagers. I was oversensitive about their (actually quite mild, and not deliberate) negative reactions to ds1 being so hard to control, and so backed off and tried to avoid visiting their house. Not surprisingly they didn't understand and were very hurt. But what makes me is that now we have a long list of diagnoses to explain why I over-reacted, but they can't get past the hurt feelings.

I often wonder what sort of friend I would have made if life had dealt me different cards and one of my friends had been the one with the SN child. I'm not sure I'd have been great either.

I felt very rejected by people around me when DS was born, utterly lonely and isolated. All the other mums seemed to be in that fluffy la la land of normal parenthood and I think I just stank of sadness and bitterness. Off-putting for acquaintances and difficult for my friends.

It took me ages to meet other SN mums on the same wavelength but it's been great and we laugh a lot about the craziness of our lives and how people react to severe disability. Some of them have lost friends too - plus partners - and it's so great not to have to explain your child. Like coming home after years in the wilderness.

I now compartmentalise my life. I've got my 'mainstream' friends in DS2's playground and my SN friends. Different conversations in different worlds. People still don't 'get' DS1 and all that comes with it, but the difference now is that I don't expect them too

This is a very relevant thread for me at the moment!

My ds2's godmother - and dear friend - lives and works 3 hours drive away so we dont see her as much as we would like. We keep in touch via FB and e mail etc and are hoping to go up and see her in July.

She has been really stressed lately at work, her mobile is broken and she asked - via e mail - for no one to contact her over the half term as she was so busy/stressed etc. Fine.

I am currently going through the process of getting a dx for ds1 (its looking like dyspraxia and APD atm) and e mailed her (I didnt want to ring and leave a message as she house shares) to tell her what had been happening and that ds1 was still having problems, on thursday last week.

Still had no reply.

She hasnt rang on either phone - I have checked - and no e mail.

(I am off FB for lent!!)

Thing is, I am not sure what I expected tbh...but I did expect some sort of acknowledgement of my e mail.

Feel very sad about it and dont feel I can ring and obviously dont want to e mail again.....WWYD if anything?

Hmmm, my friends haven't really been too bad. I've been very open about DS' ASD and they are fine about it. I'm glad they have never said 'we're so sorry'. They still think he's lovely.

I still get jealous of all the normal stuff they can do with their kids. I try not to appear too bitter.

One of my friends from school has twins with ASD and I feel I can say stuff to her that the other friends wouldn't get.

Becaroooo I think you should leave it. Really good friends are the ones that come back after periods of stress with no recriminations. She may be unaware of the enormity to you. If she doesn't then......

BakeliteBelle - that is a really interesting point and have never thought about it that way. Maybe I would only be a good friend now because I know what it is like on the other side!

Becaroooo - Agree with Spinkle about leaving it for now. You made the effort to tell her and hopefully she'll be there for you and your ds in time.

I get what you mean sprinkle

I had this idea of what being a mum would be like when my ds1 was older...trips to the cinema, bowling, theatre...but he just hates it and cant cope at all.

My sis is taking her dc to the flicks this weekend to see "rango"...that would terrify my ds1...he can watch a lion eat a gazelle on one of his david attenborough dvds but toy story 3 scared the life out of him....?????

Lots of things are slotting into place for me atm....ds1's dislike of puzzles and lego...i just thought he didnt like it. It never occured to me that he couldnt do it

Having a bit of an issue atm with him going for a poo at school...he holds it and then is in pain. He also doesnt want to go swimming with school any more but its compulsory...sigh....just dont feel like its ever going to be any easier than it is now, you know?

He can be disallowed from swimming.

They have to make 'reasonable accomodations' for his SEN. So if swimming is not sensible, he shouldn't go.

School were quite happy for my DS not to go swimming. In Y5 when it is part of the NC.

hmm...I wonder if I should push it?

The HT didnt seem very happy he wasnt going, but I am not happy for him to be upset each monday. I might go to the GP and see if he will give him a note?.....

Push it.

He doesn't need a note from the GP. He needs school to look after him - which means not forcing him to do something which is causing him considerable distress.

Yes. You are right. I will talk to the HT again.

Just got off the phone to my bestie who has talked me down after my sheer fury at the provision provided by the LEA while he waits for a school place. I don't remember EVER being so bloody angry!

It's a shame I didn't talk to her before I phoned the LEA director of education's office and demanded a face to face meeting, but I can't say I regret having a good blast. Bless her, she's offered to come to the meeting to keep me under control in case the woman tries to fob me off. It'll mean her using up valuable annual leave.

The LEA is wasting £40 a DAY in taxi fares yet where they are sending him is sooooo unsuitable you just couldn't make it up. He's not going tomorrow, he's being treated like a leper & it's just too cruel. Sometimes things are just wrong, and there are no grey areas no matter how you approach it. This is one of those rare situations.

Thank god, there are some friends who will stick by you through thick and thin. My Grandad used to say you were lucky if you coud the number of true friends you have on one hand in a lifetime. I think now he's right.

thats exactly what happened to me ellenjane1 its so upsetting when a person you expect more from then turns away so easily when they are not in the limelight, ive found i now have a completely different couple of friends and my best friend has two boys with SN too and all my school friends have grown DC's as im almost 50 ,im hoping to make some more like minded friends at the local ASD parents meeting as right now could do with some as ive also found some of the family non supportive too feeling a bit lonely here as when DS was born i moved to a new city so lost touch with a lot of people

Sorry MAD, it's very hurtful. I did use to think she had some kind of martyr thing going on. Hope that you find some better friends through your DS's new school.

I had a friend who said that she liked her son being friends with my ds because it reminded her of her brother when he was young, she said that her brother befriended a boy who 'wasn't quite the full ticket'. She couldn't see that that was offensive to me and I have kept well away since.

I guess I am new here (DD diagnosed not two months ago with rare chromosomal disorder) and second BakeliteBelle. It's not so much that they aren't supportive, but that I can stand being around happy two-children families that make plans what do do when the kids are "out of the house". But it's early days for me being a SN mum and I hopefully I will work through some of my issues.

Glimmer please be re-assured, we all have those same issues, and they keep rearing their heads...

I think for me I felt the same as you at the beginning, (it kinda felt like they were 'rubbing it in' even tho they were oblivious.)

I think it comes back again at certain times, I went into school with ds to do inrto visits and I was really struck with how NT reception kids actually are, how much they communicate etc...

(ds is our only one, so I can sucessfully ignoire what level he 'should' be at, and concentrate on enjoying the progress he is making, unless I am faced with it, in which case it still hurts)

I hope you don't mind me posting here.

Ds (8 months) was referred to the hospital by my HV a month ago, because he seems to have some developmental delays. We saw the community paediatrician at the hospital last week, and she said that there were definite concerns over a few areas of his development, and has referred us onto another paed and for some physio.

It is such a confusing time, because dh and I have had niggles and worries about ds, but have been saying, 'he's fine, he'll catch up' etc etc, and our friends have been saying the same thing. However I have had huge anxiety since he was born, the dr thought i was probably suffering ptsd over his birth and prescribed anti-depressants. To be told that there probably is a problem, is of course worrying, but also a relief (does that sound weird!?)

Reading this thread is ringing lots of bells for me, because, although I have some lovely, supportive friends, who have offered to look after our older dds (4 and 5) during hospital appointments etc. It is very hard to talk to them about it, because there is a lot of, 'Oh he looks fine to me', 'my ds/dd didn't sit/roll/play chess until they were xyand z' and 'oh you wait until he starts moving around, then you'll wish he would stay still!' (hahaha sob)

It's hard as well that a lot of my friends have had babies around the same time, who are all hitting their milestones, and celebrating their lo's first steps, which of course they should, and I would hate for them to be guarded when they talk to me, but it still makes my stomach clench, and I feel myself welling up.

Taking ds to baby groups is difficult because I see all these other babies looking so vigorous, and ds just lies on my lap beaming up at me. We went to baby massage, where all the other babies were months younger than ds, and so much more active.

I hope I haven't crashed into this thread, when ds hasn't had any formal diagnosis, but I feel very alone at the moment. I had better stop typing, because dd2 is home today, and I have just started blubbing all over the computer!

HazyJane - welcome to MN SN.

You don't need a dx to post here. :)

You're feeling exactly the same as I was when DS was 8 months. We can all relate to those feelings.

Agree with indigo

We've all been there, I think.

Am so glad for you that your concerns are being listened to...mine werent and my ds1 is now nearly 8 and only just starting the process of dx

hazy welcome to the board, I remember all those feelings, there are lots of lovely people on here with huge amounts of experience and support..

(In an odd way when the gap between my ds and what was 'normal' for his age got bigger, as it did as he got older, it became easier as people stopped saying all those annoying 'he'll grow out of it, every child is different, boys are lazy, there is wide range of development' etc etc..

Hazey, its always been the culture on here that no dx is needed :)

sorry its a tough time for you, if you arent getting anything out of the baby groups then give them a miss.

Hazey, welcome and no need for apologies. My DC still has no dx aged 14 I'm afraid to say!

Keep posting - you will get lots of support and brilliant information on here.

Thankyou for your warm welcome.

I am glad I posted,as I feel I am going to have so many questions/need lots of space to vent etc over the coming months.

Haha, Signandsmile, yes I have had lots of the 'boys are just lazy' line. I know people mean well, but it just makes me feel as though I am being silly worrying about it.

I have been pushing myself to go to baby/toddler groups partly because ds does seem to love watching lo's running around (he seems to like just lying on his side watching his sisters monkeying around, he just beams and laughs at everything they do). But also I was aware a few months ago that I was avoiding them, and avoiding friends and I was starting to feel depressed and isolated. So although it is difficult, I guess I feel like it is worth it in the end.