what happened to your friends after your DC SN became obvious?

[chocjunkie]

hi,

have DD (3) with severe S&L delay and suspected ASD...

I wondered what happened to your friendships.

I basically have two types of friends: the childless friends from my pre-mother time and the friends I made after I had DD.

I am slowly loosing contact with most of my childless friends (normal I suppose, as going out etc isn't really an option for me any more and we therefore hardly ever see each other anymore; also, I know they find DD rather irritating and therefore don't really come around anymore).

but I am much more troubled by the friends I made since I had DD. one friend is really great with DD and me despite DD's problems and my constant moaning. so glad I have her!

the other friends, however, seem to really get annoyed by DD (her trantrums, non-talking and other various quirks). I can't really talk to them about my worries either. I usually only get two types of responses - either telling me I am overly worried and DD will be fine or (and I find this really, really offensive), telling me how lucky I am that DD isn't very verbal yet - at least she isn't able to argue and to talk back as friends DC do . I feel the friendship with these friends is slowly but surely dying down.

Is it normal that most of the friends you once had slowly disappear once it becomes obvious that your child has SN?

My approach at the moment is to tell everybody. I figure that way I will stop agonising over it in my head when people are talking, hopefully people will try to avoid coming out with the,'oh you wait until he starts moving, then you'll be sorry' type things, and people will be understanding if I'm a bit blank and unchatty.

This paid off today in a rather lovely way, when I was telling a mum at dd2s preschool about ds, I know her vaguely because her dd has silent reflux like ds. We said goodbye, and then she came and found me to say that if ever I needed a shoulder to cry on, or advice with anything as regards special needs, in the area, to please call. Her eldest dd has autism and adhd, which i didn't know, and it had taken years for them to get a diagnosis. She gave me a hug and said, 'you're not alone', (I burst into tears - a frequent occurrence atm!), but it was a very good moment.

I too tell all and sundry, I think it helps people understand, (and stops stupid thoughtless comments) it also raises awareness in general, and (in my head) it means I am not ashamed of him. I YSWIM. (I know some people feel happier not to explain, and if ds wanted me not to make him out to be 'different' that would also be ok, but he doesn't have any awareness of that / doesn't care in the slightest (LD as well as ASD)

I can't think of any friends I've lost because of ds having SN. Sometimes it's hard seeing their children learn and do things so effortlessly but that has been my problem, nothing to do with the way we have been treated iyswim. My friends totally accept ds, make efforts to buy him thoughtful presents etc, make allowances so that he can join in certain things, I can't really ask any more. In fact, one friend who now has two children told me that it was holding ds that made her realise how broody she was, which I thought was lovely. I realise I'm very lucky to have great friends.

I don't actually have any friends who have children with SN. There is a girl who keeps her horses at the same field as mine who has several children with SN and we get on fine, but we don't socialise anywhere else or really discuss SN matters except in passing. We are usually too busy keeping track of all the children!

Might all change tomorrow though, as we are going to a lunchtime SN drop-in centre thingy for SN kids and siblings (first time eek!), so you never know!