Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

So according to Tanya Byron, a child who manages to behave at school doesnt have problems, even if they show "bad" behaviour at home

56 replies

emkana · 02/02/2011 22:21

So all is needed at home is firm boundaries, apparently...
This is generally the feedback I'm getting about ds, who is four. He copes fine at school but is very obsessive about all sorts of things at home, and very routine-led, and often seems stressed. But everybody seems to be saying that he's just having me on, manipulating me. Is it really that simple? Sorry if you've come across similar posts of mine about this, but I just need to get to the bottom of this.

OP posts:
donkeyderby · 02/02/2011 22:26

I'd like her to take our children home for a week. That might put her theories to the test!

PixieOnaLeaf · 02/02/2011 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
emkana · 02/02/2011 22:29

So do you experience similar? Youbsee, I have no diagnosis for ds other than that he has a physical disability. But I think there's more, but keep doubting myself because people keep suggesting to me that it's all in my head/due to poor parenting.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 02/02/2011 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
emkana · 02/02/2011 22:32

Pixie, I don't know! I just know that I have not treated him Any differently to his sisters, who are nine and seven and beautifully behaved, whereas he has been a challenge from a very young age.

OP posts:
Original poster
emkana · 02/02/2011 22:33

Who can I turn to to have these concerns taken seriously?

OP posts:
Sossidges · 02/02/2011 22:33

I'd laugh if it wasn't so painful.

until very recently DD2 was fine at school. even now she's not bad. But at home she's a nightmare. I think she can hold herself together in public but the effort makes her explode at home where she's safe.

odd how those very same boundaries DD1 has aren't there for DD2 Hmm

PixieOnaLeaf · 02/02/2011 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

zzzzz · 02/02/2011 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ponders · 02/02/2011 22:40

the only child I ever knew who was an angel at home, but a nightmare at school, was A Bit Screwed Up

IMO behaving well(ish) at school & then kicking off at home is the right way round.

They don't all do it, some kids manage to just drift through their days; but when it's a kicking-off type of child, they have to work quite hard to hold it all together during the day at school, & that effort means they unleash their inner demon the minute they're out the school door.

(One of mine was like this. She was horrendous after school, for most of KS1. She did grow out of it though)

PixieOnaLeaf · 02/02/2011 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
emkana · 02/02/2011 22:45

But how I do know if its something more, or just normal?

An example: on the way to and from school ds will get very distressed if we don't cross the road in exactly the right way and the right places. Is that within a normal range of behaviour for a 4.6 year old?

OP posts:
silverfrog · 02/02/2011 22:46

emkana, when you say exactly the right places - do you mean at crossings? or at the spot where you usually cross but no "official" crossing.

it does sound extreme to me.

what other thigns does he like to control?

intothewest · 02/02/2011 22:48

agree with the comments -ds holds it together at school-it's very structured-it's an effort though-coming home tired at the end of a long day he has no reserves of patience left-

A lot of children are like this,those with and without a dx-if you are concerned I would try to get referred to a paed- and I make no comment about Tanya as it would be rude!

Original poster
emkana · 02/02/2011 22:52

Just the places he has decided are for crossing.

He likes to control all sorts - which plate, which cup, where and how he gets dressed...lots of stuff.

OP posts:
PixieOnaLeaf · 02/02/2011 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

silverfrog · 02/02/2011 22:56

so, if you tried to walk a completely different way to school (is this possible? a parallel road, for eg) what would he do?

when he is controlling dressing - in what way? what order ot put things on, which things ot wear? what other people wear?

if you gave him a different plate, what woudl he do?

small children like order in their world, as you know. and your ds is the baby of the family, and the only boy. I am not saying you treat him differently consciously, but just by dint of being the youngest, he does have 2 willing older siblings to help out, he has older children who "have to understand" (at times, especialy when he was younger) etc.

but by 4.6, he should be wel out of the toddler "rules" phase.

you have posted before, i think, about some speech difficulites? is his development ok? or are there some delays there? (which would mean he might well be still int he toddler rules phase!)

tryingtokeepintune · 02/02/2011 22:57

Spoke to Autism Outreach about this and she said it was very common that children do behave in school and then let release their stress at home, where they feel safe. I know lots of nt children who do that too.

Original poster
emkana · 02/02/2011 22:58

He's just never easy-going about anything at home, no changes allowed, no flexibility. Whereas at school he goes with the flow...

First day he stayed all day (two weeks ago) the senco asked him about hisnlunchbox halfway through the morning, he burst into tears. Which I thought was an indicator that he's not as 100% happy as the school would like to think?

OP posts:
zzzzz · 02/02/2011 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverfrog · 02/02/2011 23:03

if there really is no flexibility at all allowed at home, then I would ask to be referred on. 4.6 is a bit old for total rigidity.

going with the flow at school is not so unsual in this situaiton - he may accept that this is the "rule" for school.

If it were my dd that the lunchbox thing had happened to, I would see it as an indicator that she didn't know what was being aske dof her - that she thought the senco was changing th routine, that lunch was now, not at lunchtime, and that she had panicked.

which isn't to say that is what oyur ds felt, of course. just how I would interpret that scenario, knowing what I do abot how my dd feels about flexibility etc.

Original poster
emkana · 02/02/2011 23:04

Silver frog, if he gets the wrong plate he just kicks off - cries, refuses to eat. If yountry to stand your ground he gets more and more distressed. Very particular about what he wears, and where in the house to be when dressing. If you tried to walk a different way he would probably try and go the other way, and get very distresses.

Yes he is developmentally delayed, including speech problems, and because he is physically small he "feels" like a two year old. He does behave in that toddler rules way. The thing is, what catching up can you hope for, at this stage?

OP posts:
zzzzz · 02/02/2011 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ponders · 02/02/2011 23:07

Youngest children are surrounded by people bigger than them, more grown-up than them, telling them what to do, all the time.

I think trying to take control of at least some of what happens to them is actually quite a healthy reaction to that.

Original poster
emkana · 02/02/2011 23:07

He doesn't have the verbal capacity to talk about school in that way. I don't think he has real friends, there are boys he likes but I don't think they see him as an equal. When he cried about the lunchbox he was crying for me. When he's not at school he is more chilled, but still routine-driven and inflexible about loupes of things.

OP posts: