Okay, - so - 3 children?

[StartingAfresh]

I've asked before, and am doing it again because it's driving me nuts.

Do I want a 3rd? Because if I do, then I need to get a move on because of both my age and because our family will definately need a second income of some kind so I need to get the early years out of the way asap.

Any advice/tips/thoughts?

Many tia

Is that a definate no way then?

oh Star.

I don't know what to say.

I want 3.

It would eb utter chaos, but I want another one.

But dh still says no way.

and that's driving me nuts.

Hi i'm a bit of a lurker
We are in the same situation although it is very likely i'm pregnant again after 4 m/c's.
Ds has severe autism and I must be mad for wanting another but it just feels right, that's the way I see our family, 3 not 2.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

I dunno. I see dd (2yrs) and how she delivers therapy like no money can buy and I think three things:

1. What about dd's companionship. DS isn't so rewarding.

2. Could another increase the social complexity dynamics and give ds another element to his sibling therapy?

3. Should I be increasing the no. of people that will love ds unconditionally? If I don't then when we are gone dd might feel that any care ds needs all falls to her. At least if there is a sibling they can either share it, or blame each other for not doing it.

And there is the issue of just seeing myself as a better parent with 3 children as well increasing the fun etc.

Oooooh, congratulations Chicken. Fingers crossed for you and so sorry about your MC.

I definitely want three maybe even four but depends if ds1's condition is inherited genetic or not!! Go for it! And have fun trying :-)

silverfrog I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I remember a discussion we had where be both said we felt we were barely coping with 2.

I feel like that and perhaps there is an element of a third being the excuse I need for not coping.

Or perhaps I think it will force me into an absolutely un-wavering routine just to survive and I'll get some peace.

Just read your reasons and they are exactly the same as why I'd like at least another!!

I don't know if I made this up or read it somewhere

one is like having a pet
two is a family
three or more is a zoo

2011 will be a decision year for our family..
If I dont go back to work number 3 will be on the way for the same reasons as Star listed above. And my 2 DC are same age as yours Star so I dont want a bog age gap. Good luck in whatever you decide!

I have three, became pregnant the week DS2 was dx with autism (couldn't have been a worse time). I was terrified as at the time DS2 needed so much attention.

There were issues when Ds3 was born, like Ds2 being totally blind to the fact that he was there. Two incidents where he stood on him when he was on the floor because he just didn't see him. Took DS2 to realise there was even a baby there and he hated the crying, he'd have a meltdown each time, even in the middle of the night (before melatonin). I had to "DS2 proof" DS3, couldn't leave them alone together and had to put ds3 in a walker to avoid being stepped on. DS2 used to push his walked into a different room and shut the door, and when he was out of the walker he used to lock him in a cupboard. Bless Ds3 though, he used to wait very patiently for me to open the door, full of smiles. Sorry, I'm rambling on.

DS3 is 2 now, DS2 5 and they get on fantastically great, probably because they are mentally about the same given a year or so. Ds2 calls DS3 Babes

It is hard, but the goods outweigh the bads now.

What's good is that you're thinking it all through. For me, two was plenty (had ds at 40). At the risk of sounding corny, I'd say go with your heart.

Star, your reasons are the ones I list too.

dd2 has taught dd1 so much - stuff we couldn't even begin to cover half as well, just through being here.

I too worry about when we are gone - I do not want dd2 to feel she has to cope with it all.

I think a 3rd child would add to the dynamics in the ways you describe - I see it as beneficial for both dd1 and dd2. dd1 woudl see the 2 younger ones interacting (and see the nurturing, carign stuff that dd2 would thrill to do), and dd2 would have to learn that she does not get everything her way - a sibling who stood up to her and shouted back would be a great thing for her (don't get me wrong, she is no bully, but he has learn that dd1 will give way to her in just about everything - dd1 cannot bear to see ehr upset. Normal sibling stuff, but I do wish dd1 had a "normal" example to learn form - another child contributing a "no, it's mine!" would teach her so much )

I think you might b prtially right, wrt the coping bit, Star. But I see it the other way around, I think.

Another baby/child would obviously see me more stretched, and more things may slip through the cracks (by this I mean housework type stuff). But I really can't see, past the obvious knackering newborn bits (and, tbh, both mine were really good babies, so I naturally expect a third would be too ) how anther child would really add to the chaos.

the chaos will be here without that third child - there's not much that will make it go away, but we do have it down to a dull roar now.

I think a part of me sees having a third child as a way to get htings right.

dd1 was a difficult baby in as much as she has such severe problems. I honestly shudder to think back to how she was - shut off, blank, catatonic. I have few photos, and no video of her before she was 2.6 (which, tellingly, is when dd2 was born). I couldn't bear to have evidence of what I was trying so hard ot forget existed (the issues, not dd1!)

and poor old dd2 didn't have much of a babyhood, as that was when I was swiinging into my "right, let's sort htis out" mode - dx, ABA, statementing - you know the score.

I now have the space and time to have another.

dd1 is doing excellently at school, dd2 is at pre-school, and if I were ot fall miraculously pregnant tomorrow, she would be at school full time by the time the baby arrived.

Our not coping days are less frequent now. even the school holidays are pretty calm (we did all get a bit cabin fevery when snow bound, but then sow me a family with young childrne who didn't!)

most things we want to do now work out ok. holidays are ok, theatre, cinema, eating out - all ok. dd1 coped with a music festival, fgs. we get out and do most things we want to do - not without panicking and planning, but the panicking side is lessening every day.

and on the days wher eit all goes wrong? well, they happen, and will continue, with or without a third.

crucially, I am getting better at not spiralling int the depths of despair when the bad days do happen. that has been a big change.

I'd like another - forty at the end of next year and need to decide very soon.

It's interesting what you said about your DD Star, my son has come on leaps and bounds since my daughter has been off school. She's a very sociable 10 year old and her brother has been the only game in town for weeks what with Christmas and the snow

So it does make me wonder if he'd improve even more with a younger sibling...

we always planned for 3, and would love 3 BUT high risk of another child with ASD and because of DH treatments a risk of childborn with deformaities (hate that word) and we only have 2 bed house.
Think everything is telling me to stick my 2 dds

I think three is fabulous :)

It is bloody hard work (much harder than it would be if ds were NT there's no denying that - a strong willed NT 2yo is nothing compared to the single mindedness & intransigence of ds) & at the beginning it was a nightmare - ds was identified with 'issues' when dd2 was 6 weeks old & it was beyond awful. If we didn't have dd2 & were having another baby now it would be much easier - personally the hardest time for me was pre-diagnosis/diagnosis/setting up interventions & now ds is verbal & can understand so much more it is easier - you're already through that bit.

It has been wonderful for ds - he is extremely close to dd1 but in the last 2-3 months he's started to notice dd2 & develop a sort of peer rivalry & companionship with her which is brilliant (in our case it's been great because ds will not accept direct instruction but but is willing to go along with things that I ask her to do).

dd1 adores her too - it is brilliant to see her having a 'normal' sibling relationship, with someone who is naturally cooperative & socially aware, who doesn't ignore her because the activity isn't hugely motivating etc.

Her existence has definitely made me a better parent and brought us massive joy and I do feel less scared for ds, both his sisters adore him & that is so good.

get a dog we only have one he has severe speech delay and a little "quirky" we have never had any intentions to have more, but getting the puppy has made an amazing difference to our sons life already!

Everyone can advise you,but only you can decide- My first dd was beautifully unplanned,-perfect pregnancy.totally on time,perfect labour etc- ds was planned and prepared for - too early,too ill and many problems- I waited for years in between because it was 'not the right time' I've decided since,it's never the 'right' time-If in your heart you want another child,go for it and good luck (I would,but it's too late,I'm too old!¬)...but it's YOUR decision-.What do YOU think? good luck

I think 3 is fabulous too! We agonised for 6ms about whether to take the leap, (it was utter torment) but when I spoke to my GP, she made up my mind on the spot. She said it was a gamble well worth taking because the new baby would be a huge bonus for every one of us (as well as being adored in its own right)..DD (NT) would most likely get the chance to experience a typical sibling relationship, DS1 (ASD) would have a younger sibling to bring him on, and DH and I would have the balance of our family tipped towards normal (her words). And yes, there was a chance we could have another SN child, but a) you always regret in life what you don't do rather than what you do and b) if the child was SN we would deal with it, knowing that at least we had given it a shot

I suppose I would have gone through with it anyway, as once you start thinking through logistics I think you are pretty much there, but that conversation removed all doubts at a stroke.

And yes, when I was pregnant, and when DS2 emerged a boy, I was intensely worried about the chances of another ASD child, but for us I'm thrilled to say the gamble paid off. And the GP's words have come to pass. DS2 has lit up all our lives in a major way, and one of my greatest comforts is not only knowing that DD has a sibling to play/ share things with, but that DS1 is enveloped by even more love now. He and his little bro adore each other, and as DS2 has never known his brother any other way he just intuitively gets him like no-one else!

And every time DS2 says a new word or follows an instruction or imitates what we do, to us it's a minor miracle. We blab about his achievements like he was a PFB!

5

DH has said that with certainty the one thing in his life that he is NOT worried about is being bored - LOL

I have three :)
there is always someone to play or argue with !
Only downside is that two in different combos tend to pair up.. But normally isn't an issue.

I would have four but finances and now the ages of my dc's tell me not to... Oh and dh has had the snip :D
but between dh and I we actually have 6 anyway so I think that is enough ( and dh is expecting to be a grandad twice in 2011) .. so it really is plenty.

But three in this house is great :)

Star - I find 3 children incrediblly hard.

We have no family life not because of DS1s ASD - but because of DS2 who either also has ASD, or is just a spoilt brat.

You can't guarantee that your next child won't also have ASD. Look at the number of people on here who have 2 children with ASD.

Life would be an order of magnitude easier for us if we had stopped at 2.

Thanks for your honesty Indigo. Can I ask why you went ahead with a third? If you'd rather not answer that's okay.