Okay, - so - 3 children?

[StartingAfresh]

I've asked before, and am doing it again because it's driving me nuts.

Do I want a 3rd? Because if I do, then I need to get a move on because of both my age and because our family will definately need a second income of some kind so I need to get the early years out of the way asap.

Any advice/tips/thoughts?

Many tia

And there's me terrified of the time a few years down the line when I'll be ttc my first!! Rispeck, laydeez

Personally, I stopped at 1.

He was a difficult baby. I was a rubbish new mummy (well, that's my take on it) and I cannot say, hand on heart, that I didn't have PND.

Can't say I enjoyed the baby stage at all.

The prospect of having another didn't fill me with glee. DH was keen, for a bit, but when DS' problems were identified he agreed that we wouldn't roll the dice again.

That said, the stats are 1:100. What are the chances of it happening again?

I guess I would sit down (with a cuppa) and in my head think about the very worst day you have had with the kids. If you think you could handle another little one in there then go for it.

p.s we got a puppy in the end...

I think that quite a few of us who have a few dc's actually didn't have a dx at the time of ttc... Which makes it sort of easier...
For me ds1 ( nt) was such a hugely difficult baby that when ds2 came along and he was sooooo easy I just sighed relief and thought this is what the average parent deals with.. Wasn't ds1 such hard work!
I didn't even think about ds2 being over passive!

Then dh and I got married and I nagged him to have another.. Hense dd... And then we found out about ds2!

I'm pretty sure that you would cope on the bad days.. If I had known before we had dd I would have had to consider the effect it would have on her.. But she has never known any different... And it all works out.

Right, so DH and I have decided that we will both try harder at some resemblence of a routine to try and make some order to our current chaos.

If we can make it work for a couple of months then it will be easier to see where a no.3 would slot in perhaps.

We definately won't be able to continue with a flying-by-the-seat-of-our-pants lifestyle with another or be able to afford financially forgetting to pack food, not knowing where we are going when we get in the car etc etc.

Miltary precision! :) but I think you probably end up doing that with more dc's anyway!

I actually hate routine, am unorganised, would forget my head if it wasn't screwed on , my mum refers to me as a free spirit!
However the dc's come first so I live all militarily organised as far as they are concerned... But I escape a couple of times a year and just be me :) lol

It works well for us - DD#1 (suspected AS and dyspraxia) now 6, DD#2 (NT) now 4 and DD#3 (NT we think) is now 1. It is always hard through the first few months with a newborn but I am just loving coming out of the otherside with #3 being a little more grown up and definately fun loving. All 3 girls get along really well and especially DD#1 and DD#3 who seem to have some humour connection as they spend huge amounts of time laughing with each other for ?? reasons! It is however very cute. For us I think it has been a very positive decision for #3. Having said that I'm done, I really couldn't cope with any more!

I have 3 DD1 is NT, DS ASD/ADHD other problems and DD2 borderline ADHD.I'll be honest if DS was the first he would of been an only child as he was and still is hard work.

I have 3 and am expecting the fourth. But I was pregnant with ds3 before ds2 started having his seizures: up to then we had treated him as NT although he had various other health issues and certainly wasn't an easy baby. We did think, however, that a third would help both of the older boys by changing the family dynamics.

Ds2 found it really difficult to be gentle with baby ds3, and I found it very hard to deal with all three of them. But both older boys loved ds3 and, despite the usual toddler tantrums, he has turned into quite an easy child - he's certainly very good at entertaining himself!

Like Arsenic I also hate routine but I have made myself become organised because it helps with dealing with the kids. I suspect I'll have to step up another notch when dc4 comes along!

No one can really tell you what to do.
If I say I think you are mad to consider it, will it stop you wanting another? I doubt it.
Just do it. ASAP.

We have three and I love it, although I agree with the comment that three is like a zoo . When we occasionally have only two with us it's amazing how much easier it is but it just wasn't for me. I can cope with the extra chaos DS3 brings much more than I could have coped with not having gone for a third, it would always have been a big regret. Although we didn't have a dx for DS1 (Dyspraxia, ASD) when we went for no3 I don't think it would have made a difference.

DS2 (NT) was a nightmare baby and I think I needed to prove to myself I could get it right, finish on a high note so to speak and DS3 was the easiest, best behaved baby in all the world. I have three very good friends who all had their third at around the same time and they have always been the best babies, your experience comes through in the way you handle them, and you can't be to precious because you've got to get DC1 to football practice in time to get DC2 to swimming!

We have 3 and I love it. It's definitely harder but it's definitely changed the family dynamics, in a good way.

That said, I doubt ds2 would've been conceived had I not eventually thought I could (somehow, but no idea how iykwim) manage not to break down even if he seemed a lot further along the spectrum than ds1.

You know, I don't think I'm 'that' frighened of another asd. In some ways even that would be great as a possible like-minded companion for ds and I parent ASD-style anyway now.

What would break us would be a different SN I think. The unknown is scarier.

And there are never any guarantees are there?

The reason i had 3 was due to a friend of mine telling me about her mum and dad's wedding anniversary. Apparently at the family meal her dad asked her mum if she regretted anything (dangerous question!) and she said 'not having more children'. he then said that he had wanted more too, but that when they married they said they wanted 2 - a boy and a girl - and that he never thought to ask - and neither did she. I went home and told my DH that i didn't feel ready to stop at 2. so we had no. 3. Zoo is so definitely the right expression . Would have gone for more, but was 42 with no.3 and the body gets a bit grumpy.
I would not change the dynamics of our family at all. All have dietary issues - DS1 dyspraxic, DS2 borderline with AS traits, DS3 is 3.6 and still on puree. I wouldn't change 1 hair on their heads, they're mine and they're truly loved and wanted.

Star, I've been meaning to reply to this for days.

We have had a similar dilemma. I had twins first time round and as they got older, I felt like our family was not complete. I am one of three so I'm not sure if that was part of it. As it became apparent that DS1 had SN we were concerned about having another child with a similar condition. However, in the back of my mind was the worry that the burden of possibly looking after DS1 was going to rest on DS2 when we were gone. So we started TTC at the start of 2010 and I got pg very quickly but had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Shortly after that DS1 was diagnosed with autism and DH got cold feet about TTC again for a while.

After DS1 was diagnosed, we were referred to genetics because the community paed was not convinced that it was just autism. DS1 has poor muscle tone and is quite wobbly and so he wanted the geneticists to take a look at him and see if there was anything else that he might have missed. We had already had basic genetic tests for fragile x and all chromosomes appeared present and correct. The consultant said that our risk of having another child on the spectrum is around 5%. If we had a child with "classic" autism, she said it would have been around 10%. 5% was a risk we were prepared to take. She also said that lots of children she sees with ASD have had some birth/pregnancy issues - in our case, I had pre-eclampsia, DTs were very low birthweight and DS1 has a squashed head. I wonder in our case if it was a case of being genetically susceptible and having an environmental insult in utero.

We have 2 very different boys and having DS2 definitely helps DS1 as he copies so much. I think having another will only help that further. DS1 is making good progress and I can see that in a few years time things won't be as difficult as they have been. I also would like DS2 to have an (hopefully) NT sibling.

I am now nearly 16wks PG with #3 and slightly terrified about whether the gamble will have paid off. We are not finding out the sex but I know that if we have a girl, I won't be as worried about ASD as if we have a boy.

Yes we might have another child with ASD (or something else) but we feel that we could cope with another child like DS1. I think a lot of people think we are very brave (or stupid) but I'm glad at the moment we have decided to have another.

Could you get a referral for some genetic counselling - if that might help your decision?

I have 3 dc's, ds1 nt, ds2 asd/adhd, dd3 (I think poss adhd/dyslexia but not sure yet) and it's mad at times but lovely too and I cherish them.

It's a tough decision to make and have absolutely no advice! However, I would have loved, loved, loved to have had 4 children (very greedy!) it is what I always wanted.

I finally realised this year that it's not going to happen, I am too old now - for some reason the penny has dropped that I am 44 this year (not 24!) and have really run out of time and I am very sad about that.

Thanks louey

I don't think I'd get a referral for genetic counselling and I have a belief that although ds had a predisposition towards autism, it was the manhandled birth that 'caused it' iyswim so I am optimistic in my odds on having a child without asd, although another disability would be hard and there are no guarantees.

It's just that 3 seems like such a lovely number...............

Thanks Helons

DH still isn't so sure but tbh I have more faith in his ability to cope with it than mine. He's a great dad. Which is why I don't want to push him too far.

Okay, so DH says I can have another baby if I want one but he's happy with 2.

Hmmm. Not sure I can go ahead without his enthusiasm.

I know he would do his part if no.3 came along and not hold it against me, but still.

WWYD now?

When you're 64, who will have the most regrets? DH with 3 kids or you with 2?

Good point purple. And he hasn't said he actively doesn't want a third. I think in most families there is one parent keener to extend the family than the other, but unless one expressly doesn't want another child there's nowt to worry about