in despair

[at49]

My son has in year 2, one of the eldest in the class but acts like the youngest. He didn?t walk until he was 2, and so has been under the care of the paeds. They said he had low muscle tone and recently said it was DCD and discharged him.

School had some concerns and asked us to do a SALT assessment which showed he had some language issues, especially in following instructions, poor short term memory etc. We?ve always thought of him as a bit quirky but the paeds reassured us that he was silly in school because he found the physical aspects difficult, e.g. writing and tried to deflect from that.

We?re now sure that there is something more serious. Since he has been in year 2, things seem to have got worse. He?s got an experienced teacher and she is doing her best to support him and has now suggested a statement request. The EP has been in and said he doesn?t have anything like ADHD, although scored highly for oppositional.

It is at home where we are really struggling. He will not do anything he is told, and is just constantly talking, saying nonsense sentances, shouting out random words, and if he doesn?t like what we ask him to do ? he will hit me, sometimes gently as if he is testing me, and other times really lashing out and pulling my hair and smacking my face. We also have a 4 year old DS and I?m worried he will go for him too.

I?ve looked at PDA and wondered if he?s got that, but he?s got to 7 years old and it is only now really that we are seeing some problems. My husband is really struggling to understand him ? why can?t he follow simple instructions and be so contrary. The SALT did say that she wondered about Aspergers and would talk more about it in the new year.

It gets worse as my MIL is coming to stay and she will be horrified by his behaviour and I think this is stressing my husband out too.

Has anyone got any thoughts what I do or what issues he has got. I?m worried if I go to the GP and say that he?s aggressive to us that they?ll get someone else involved in our lives.

Ay advice please?

Don't worry about mentioning the aggression to your GP - nothing bad will happen.
Also don't worry about the teacher being experienced and not able to 'control' him. What is probably happening is that she won't have the specific knowledge or experince that she needs to work with him. Definitely go for the statement.

experience

Hi there at49. I don't think your GP will insist on getting someone else involved in your lives... there really aren't that many services around! I presume you're worried about social services, but I really don't think they're bothered if parents get hit (sometimes a bit about siblings, but even that's variable ime).

If there's a good parenting course around the GP may recommend it as an interim measure. Not because you're doing a bad job, more that for high-need children we could all do with at least a PhD in parenting! In the meantime, think about using some of the asd type strategies like short sentences, picking your battles, maximising visual cues etc. They won't hurt even if he doesn't have it.

Your 2 main options for onward referral after seeing the GP are camhs and developmental paeds. Most people on these boards recommend the paeds (and your son being known to them may or may not be helpful). But in some areas, camhs are a lot better at investigating asperger's and similar issues.

Put your statement request in now, (better than the school doing it because you have more rights re appeals etc than the school doing it)

and you could tell your MIL "you must be unsettling him, he's never like this with us"

Sorry you are having such a tough time of it at the moment.

Aspergers often isn't diagnosed till 7 or even later.

If you read through threads on here, you will see that SN kids beating up their parents is not only incredibly common, it is also nothing the professionals feel like doing anything about.

He may well have Aspergers - but I also wouldn't totally rule out ADHD just because one EP told you that. I'd research both conditions yourself and work out which, if either, you think describes him the best.

DCD is more commonly known as dyspraxia on this board - and really I think a lot of what you are describing could also be attributed to dyspraxia.

Anyway you need to go to the GP and get a referral back to a child development paed.

wow thanks for all your good advice. I think we have realised we can't put this all down to boys will be boys behaviour. I suppose I'll have to go back to the GP to get re-referred to the paeds or CAMs if he thinks better.

We just want to help him and he's obviously unhappy, and I suppose I'm just worried what he will be "labelled" with or if we're just told it's down to bad parenting.

I don't really know about Aspergers in depth, but I guess I need to read up a bit as I didn't think he had those sort of traits. but i did see another thread on PDA and that did ring more of a bell. However it seems to be quite "new" and I don't know how I would go about finding the right sort of person to diagnose.

thanks again

Welcome to the board at49 :)
( and in the nicest way possable I'm sorry your here with us).

IMHO when our dc's reach between 6 and 8 .. It seems to show up more social / communication issues if things have just kind of been a bit quirky before then.. Their peers are developing at a rate that leaves some children behind a bit and therefore the problems show up.. So where you'd expect them to be able to follow instructions for example .. And then they don't .. That's when it seems to cone to light ..

So dont beat yourself up.
Whatever is causing the issues you face all a label will do is signpost where you and school can help in those areas... And hopefully if you can get that in place your ds will develope and progress... And so what if it's not along the ' average' rate... Long as they keep on moving forward!

Getting an in depth assessment as to why and what is causing the issues will also highlight lots of strengths that your ds has.. And those are so important! :)

structure, routine, visual cues and short clear instruction can help lots as well.. Again whatever is the cause... You can give things a go and see what helps improve things straight away... If it works great ... If not try something else!

Don't worry about people being involved... The most input the better as what your facing is not in the average remit of parenting.. So more people, more ideas and extra input is needed :)

keep high expectations for your ds because he can and will achieve but as parents you need to keep the ' you can do it' mantra going!

I'd go to the gp.. Lay everything down that you face and be blunt about it! .. It's highly likey nothing to do with you as parents.. And you need some extra help to be able to help your ds.

Hi, at49

There is a theory, strongly supported by anecdotal evidence, that kids with SN lash out more when they are in an environment they are truly comfortable in; so your son may be so frustrated by controlling his behaviour in class, he lashes out at home where he feels safe and secure. A bit of a back-handed compliment, I'm afraid.

well I am relieved that he sort of behaves at school as I think he would be excluded if he behaved like he does for us at home, and I guess maybe he's bottling it all up for us.

The only other thing is that he's quite contrite afterwards, wanting to say sorry and buy things for his brother if he's been mean to him. If he's having a meltdown I often get my mum to look after DS2 and take him for a drive in the car. Forgive me if I'm wrong but I didn't think empathy was usual in children with aspergers, which is why I'm so confused!

just got to get the house tidy for MIL visit now!

There is a difference between empathy and empathy :)

empathy where there is time to process it .. So after the event etc where he has time to think and process and put in a strategy.. Is different from instant empathy of.. An imediate decision of I won't lash out because that will hurt the other person iyswim.

Ie aspergers don't tend to make instant empathic decisions... But they do feel for animal or human causes ... Which doesn't seem to make sense.. Unless you dig deeper into what empathy is.

Hope that makes sense :)

The thing is that all children, even those with autisim they are so different. I have two DDs and they are very different. The eldest gets when she hurts peoples feeling, understands its not a good thing and does get upset but only because she knows she'll get told off. DD2 on the other hand, doesnt understand at all, will hit people, andlaugh and even laughs when your telling her off.

I wouold def talk to SENCO in new year and get some advice on where to head next.

thank you both. I hope I haven't offended anyone. I'm just trying to get my head around all of this. For years the paeds and OTs etc have just said that he's got motor delays and now it seems like something different, and we wonder why we didn't realise before

No problem at all.. I'm pretty hard to offend tbh as are most on this board.. And it's good that your asking..
:)

at the begining of our journey I asked the most daft questions, ( far more daft than yours lol), but without doing so, I wouldn't know what I do now :)