More advice on tantrums/meltdowns please

[auntevil]

DS1(8) had some spectacular ones over the weekend. Very physical - lashing out at all and sundry. This is happening more and more, and i seem to be getting worse and worse at heading them off.
They don't always seem to have an obvious trigger. One yesterday was because his brother looked at him in a funny way (?!!)
After one of the meltdowns, when he was calm, i spoke to him about what he felt before and during the episode. He said he just felt so angry, but didn't really know at what, just a feeling inside.
Nobody has ever given me any strategies for meltdowns, partly as he was quite passive when he was young. Did any of you find a good source of info - or have any advice it would be very welcome.

Oh mumslife - i can empathise with the holding it all in at school! If it wasn't that his TA saw him at a bus stop with him in hyper meltdown mode - i don"t think she would have believed us. She looked visibly shaken. She said he was unrecognisable as the boy she has in class!

Just walk away.

I used to go to the bottom of the garden (and have a fag).

Sausagemonster - i would love to walk away and let him get on with it - but if i do, he takes it out on his younger brothers - 1 is only 3. He is a big lad for his age as well.
Mumslife - i think possibly our 2 are twins - separated at birth! Has a few good friends and is chatty and friendly with everyone. I help out sometimes at the school, and if staff ask who is my child they always say how lovely he is and so helpful . At home he fights over everything. Hates everything and everyone. He does love to be top dog in all games - and he cheats like you wouldn't believe.
It's just the physical aspect of his meltdowns that worry me. He once took a wooden block from a thomas set and repeatedly banged it down on my arm. It bruised me, but what if it had of been his 3 yr old brother?
He's a real Jekyll and Hyde.

Auntevil, I've sent you a PM.

Dd3 also 8 is very similar to this, we are having trouble getting anyone to believe how challenging and controlling she is at home. At school she has 2 friends but is apparently sociable with other children as well.

Home is very different she sticks to routines like glue and woe betide you if you need to change something, she dominates the house and has rages if something upsets her. Luckily most of her anger is verbal although
she has recently taken to kicking me..

I have been keeping a diary recently and at our last paed appointment we saw a different paed who actually said she believed us. She has reffered us to CAMHS.

We can't use time out but we do use a yellow and red card to let her know hwen her behaviour is unacceptable. If she gets a red card she has to leave what she is doing and sit at the dining room table.
It is mostly succesful..

Know what you mean about inventing rules, sometimes it takes Dd3 so long to make up all the rules of the game that you have forgotten what the game was!!

We have only had a couple of issues tonight, one was over not crossing the road at the same time as her friend. And the other was over a track on a CD which apparently shouldn't be on there!!

Your right about wearing, we have been in the Dx process for 18 months and I have just about had it.

But then I watched her struggling at Brownies with an activity [I help out], it should have been fairly easy for her but staying on task was a nightmare. So I think I have got to keep going to get her the support she needs now and will even more in the future.

DS1 has a dx of dyspraxia and a ? of aspergers. They didn't think he had enough traits to confirm - and that there was some cross over with dyspraxia, so have 'left it for the moment'. I don't worry too much about that as school work very hard with his skills.
We had a classic meltdown last night. I caught him throwing things at his brother DS2 (5). I tried to send him to his room for 10 to calm down. He refused as it wasn't just him - his brother was involved too and he had to be punished. I asked how he was involved as he was sitting at the table drawing. he said because he was being the target! How can you work with this? I can't punish a 5 year old for being a target! But i couldn't physically get him to go upstairs. We left it at him sitting on the stairs - and not throwing anything - with DS2 tidying his crayons away. It was time to tidy anyway and DS1 sees tidying as a punishment! Everything seems to be a compromise