I think I may have once said "She's got nice hair"

[GothAnneGeddes]

On another thread elsewhere, Riven and 2shoes were talking about crap things people say to parents of SN children, including "She's got nice hair".

Unfortunately, I'm sure I've said something crap like that in real life.

I would really not like to make that sort of mistake in the future, so I'm interested to hear what other unwittingly crass things people say, to make sure I don't say them and what to say instead.

I hope you don't mind me coming onto the SN boards with this, but I've noticed some nasty disabilism around MN of late, so I wanted to have this discussion on safe territory.

Hope you don't find this a pain to answer. I would just like to thank you all for your contributions around MN. I'm a HCP, working with children and families, but I learned so much from reading your posts on various topics.

They are always so happy

I can't tell you how angry/frustrated/powerless/pathetic that makes me feel when I hear it; & I generally hear it about 'other people's children' if it were mine I might be arrested for my reaction

Why is it bad to compliment someone's hair?

I was just whinging on to DH last night after seeing some friends that the ONLY thing they ever say about DD is 'she's got lovely hair'!!

I would just love friends to say 'isn't she doing well' or 'how are you feeling?'.

My friends literally never mention it - feels like the elephant in the room

It isn't but when you have just spent 10 minutes explaining to someone why your DS can't talk or s in a wheelchair or might never grow up & then first thing they say is "She's got nice hair" it's a bit like "Well nothing you said meant anything - but I'll say something meaningless and nice to make her feel better"

But that is just the way I see it - that may not be how GothAnneGeddes meant it

bless her
you can only say that if you are a priest or such like.

I may be missing the point here, but threads like this are more likely than anything to make me worried about speaking to the mother of a child with special needs.

I have helped to run numerous playgroups and toddler groups over the years, and have met and chatted to hundreds and hundreds of mums, some of whose children have had special needs to varying degrees. I have also worked in a Childrens Hospital, where 90% of the children I met had sn. I am afraid I blunder cheerfully in, introduce myself and make meaningless smalltalk, and this is highly likely to include telling a mum their child has lovely hair, or noticing something sweet they are doing and saying "bless her" regardless of whether the child has sn or not.

Should I be mentally reigning myself in to Speak Carefully to the mother of a sn child? I would have thought not. I am universally polite to everyone I meet. Am I unwittingly offending people? I really hope not. Threads like this worry me.

It's never bothered me, even those that say 'What a shame, he looks normal' If a comment is well-intentioned, I don't get narked even if I might think it's a bit of a conversation-filler. I appreciate the attempt to communicate.
What infuriates me is when people are dismissive, or intentionally rude, or tell me that his future is bleak or that he won't ever do x y or z.
But an attempt to say something nice?
How kind.

I am relieved to hear you say that Goblin.

'bless her
you can only say that if you are a priest or such like.'

And a thousand little old ladies hit the ground. It's quite a common saying for NT children to have aimed at them as well.

when dd3 was a baby, much like the picture on my profile, a lady said to me, well at least it's not a physical deformity! To say my chin hit the floor would be an understatement, she just smiled at me and walked off. In fact her brain didn't form properly, you just can't see that.

when dd3 was a baby, are those glasses real? Genuine question asked many times. No we just thought she looked cute, of course they're real Can't she see then? erm . . . . . .

then another one on seeing hearing aids, you can get her one of those implant things, did you know about that?

dd1 (nt) used to get lots of nice hair comments being a red head, so it depends on how it's said really.

I have no problems with natural curiosity and am quite happy to answer questions, just so long as they're not quite so daft

I'm in the 'Educate the masses' corner, so I pick my fights and when I feel I want to go in with all guns blazing.
When someone says 'What a shame' it may be irritating, but it's an opportunity to help them understand why they are wrong and to see things from a different perspective.
If I get pissed off and block, the chance is gone.

I like positive, normal chatty comments on hair and clothes etc. And dd does have specially lovely hair ;) particularly as a baby when she was the tiniest thing you could imagine with a full head of mad professor blonde hair

Agree with riven tho as long as it's not pitched in context of ah well at least the hair is nice or what a shame she's so disabled when she's so pretty

When I first started going to baby groups I craved people making inane pleasant conversation with me.. rather than the endless what's wrong with her? Why's she so small? Will she ever walk/ talk/ whatever? And the ever popular did you know before she was born?

"THEY are always so beautiful"

Goblinchild when we were on holiday I think she was blessed more times than when she went to Lourdes!!
One of her bus drivers said it and I told him off.

why can't people just talk to her like > she is human.
I try to get on the same level, so for instance when the respite people wer making out that G was unusual as he stayed up to 12)he is 19!!) I told him it was way to early and he should be like DS and stay up to 3pm...

I love the hair/clothes comments too from other parents and so I do say that sort of thing too. Also comment on nice skin because mine have dry, scaley skin.

The worst was a paediatrician who said to us 'at least she has her looks'. He is thankfully retired now.

The community paed said you me 'you must be so proud, he so big and tall' Sheesh.

Oh and the head of the PTA at ds' school said 'oh he's such a handsome little boy...' and those words hung in the air with the unspoken 'it's such a shame' ringing in our ears.

I guess I am sensitive about comments about my ds. He's my only child. Can't help but be defensive.

I just had a thought.
I bet a lot of ethnic minority parents get similar sorts of interactions and comments from well-meaning but somewhat inept people.
And get equally frustrated and irritated on occasion.

I cringe at anything said in a tragic tone: "Will he NEVER speak?" followed by a deep sigh.

But generally, like Goblinchild I try to educate...whether they want it or not

Had a great conversation with the fruit shop bloke a while ago:

him: He's not...normal, is he?
me: (smiling) Well, nor am I. Are you? What's normal anyway? Who wants to be normal?

He laughed and was genuinely interested when I explained about autism while ds stole and munched through a bunch of coriander. Job done.

pixie, no need to apologise, I happen to agree, not that I'm biased or anything although she is rather bigger than that now! It's the consilatory oh at least she's cute, pat on the back, never mind the disability comments that grate a little.