I think I may have once said "She's got nice hair"

[GothAnneGeddes]

On another thread elsewhere, Riven and 2shoes were talking about crap things people say to parents of SN children, including "She's got nice hair".

Unfortunately, I'm sure I've said something crap like that in real life.

I would really not like to make that sort of mistake in the future, so I'm interested to hear what other unwittingly crass things people say, to make sure I don't say them and what to say instead.

I hope you don't mind me coming onto the SN boards with this, but I've noticed some nasty disabilism around MN of late, so I wanted to have this discussion on safe territory.

Hope you don't find this a pain to answer. I would just like to thank you all for your contributions around MN. I'm a HCP, working with children and families, but I learned so much from reading your posts on various topics.

would someone pat a NT 6 yr old on the head? well they did this afternoon. Out at a fair with my DS and his cousins. Someone was very Gushy about the girls cornrow braids, NOT sure DN was so keen on having her hair checked out that closely...

Bigcar your DD3 looks adorable with her glasses on. So cute.

I don't like it when people say to me (about DS2) "But he looks so normal". It's quite intimidating sometimes to hear that, as if I'm making up everything about him for a laugh.

We were at a family fun day yesterday and bumped into my mam's FIL and his girlfriend. His girlfriend, who is a transport escort for children with SN, sort of whispered/mouthed to me "is he all right?" about DS2. Yes he is fine and dandy thanks, does he look ill? Really annoyed me, and that is the first time anyone has asked me that. It was a tone thing, as if it was a dirty little secret.

Unis, my ds seems to be a magnety for people touching his head. Honest, it happens ALL THE TIME! Not so good when it sends him into meltdown though, it's his number one pet hate! Why do people do that?!

Worst comment I ever received was a "OMG he's a window licker!" comment from a parent in the school playground. Yes, he does lick windows, but that term is just SO offensive! Never mind that you followed it with a giggle and a lighthearted apology.

I cannot wait to use the "he can fly" thing! :D

Some people make some daft silly comments without being patronizing, purely because they are 'uneducated' about the disability.
Those i can put up with...

The ones that are rude, and really ignorant really piss me off. So do the ones that will push it, like the 'what's your name?... how old are you?... what are you doing here then?...' questions fired at my ds (4.9y, asd) by a collaegue who knows he has asd. All the while DS is staring at the floor, making grunting noises and suddendly stares at her then starts talking into his jargon. Followed by her firing at me 'oh well he is not that bad for an autistic child!' ...

speechless

Sheesh - some people.

Moron.

Would a simple offer of help to a frazzled mum be acceptable? It seems such a minefield to make any comment regarding the child.

I've often said 'Can I help?' to a frazzled parent. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it's 'No thanks'
I've never found anyone to be offended by it. If the answer is no, I say 'OK' and keep going. I don't stop to gawp.

I said it to the parent of an older girl in a wheelchair, but my GOD you should have seen this girl's hair! It was riveting hair, black, thick, spiral curls. I've never seen hair like it on a child (girl was 9), it looked so ... adult, almost.

I don't have a child wiht SN but know quite a few people who do have children with SN, and I do feel that I say dumb or offensive things all over the place. Even though I'd like to think I am quite educated about SN it's so easy to witter away and say something stupid.

When someone tells me how lovely DS2's hair is, I always agree. My boys may both have autism, but that isn't all of who they are. Just like all kids, they are capable of being cute, funny, affectionate, stubborn and they stink when they fart.

My boys are only 4 and 6, so these sorts of comments are perfectly normal. I may not feel the same when they're teens. I do appreciate, though, that a lot of people find it hard to say the right thing to break the ice in any circumstances, so as long as someone isn't being obviously patronising, I'm not bothered by simple obvservations about my kids.

I think I agree with the tone and intent, of the comment idea. Lots of people ask about DH as his movement/gait is quite "individual" and he never minds explaining if it is genuine desire to understand. Had conversation with little girl from across the road (about 4 yrs) She said to me after he had gone in to the house, " is he drunk?" (poor kid that was obviously not unknown to her) I said no, its just that his legs and arms work differently, she thought and then said if you had to go somewhere really fast would you have to leave him behind, and seemed worried about that, so I said well there aren't that many places I need to go to quickly, but if I did then he could come a bit later. She said Ok, thought for 10 seconds and then told me about her new shoes. We don't mind interest, and a desire to understand its the teenagers who walk behind him mimicing his gait that I would like to shred DS gets opposite issue looks 'a verage' so people are surprised at his responses... ah well that's their problem