I think I may have once said "She's got nice hair"

[GothAnneGeddes]

On another thread elsewhere, Riven and 2shoes were talking about crap things people say to parents of SN children, including "She's got nice hair".

Unfortunately, I'm sure I've said something crap like that in real life.

I would really not like to make that sort of mistake in the future, so I'm interested to hear what other unwittingly crass things people say, to make sure I don't say them and what to say instead.

I hope you don't mind me coming onto the SN boards with this, but I've noticed some nasty disabilism around MN of late, so I wanted to have this discussion on safe territory.

Hope you don't find this a pain to answer. I would just like to thank you all for your contributions around MN. I'm a HCP, working with children and families, but I learned so much from reading your posts on various topics.

I get that a lot Spinkle...
"She's so pretty isn't she" said in a tragic voice, sometimes accompanied by a sad shake of the head.

The unsaid thing always seems to me "it's a shame she's so pretty". Wtf??

Have to say some of my friends usually comment after a year or two on how far she's gone and how well she's doing. That's nice.

Thank you for all your replies.

From reading them, I'm wondering: Is it a tone thing? Like the difference between a sincere compliment and some patronising hand patting?

Also, has previous experiences meant you're wary of any comments about your children?

When my ds was hearing hearing aids we used to always get older ladies having a right good nosey and then they would say "Oooh yours are much nicer than mine"...and would show ds theirs which I thought was quite sweet.

My problems arise when someone will talk to my ds (4...GDD, ASD? ADHD?) and as usual he will just blank them and not look at them or hide behind me, and they push and push, then I end up talking for him.

The other day in Clark's the lady measuring ds's feet just wouldn't let it go, kept on speaking to him and saying "aw are you shy?" she then continued to make a big deal of it by asking dd (6) if ds was always this shy?, Ds had already had a big meltdown in the shop, it was packed and I literally had to sit on him to pin him down...I just felt like screaming "will you shut the f**k up! and just get the god-damn shoes!"

Most of the time, I just cannot be bothered to explain tbh.

was wearing - excuse the bad post, I am seriously tired! lol.

For me, anything that is a sincerely meant compliment, delivered in context is fine.

I've had people comment on dd1s eyes very big, very blue), her hair (enviable straight, falls naturally into a gorgeous bob, without any brushing), her table manners (!), etc.

It's more when you are trying to explain (whether to HPC, or member of the public) a particular difficulty, and you get to the end of apologizing/explaining the issue, and the person pauses, and then says "oh, but hasn't she got a lovely smile, bless her" - just feels a bit patronizing, and dismissive.

I don't mind compliments, dd's phisio said she was a stunner, and I liked her saying that, I didn't take offence,
but why would a complete stranger think it is ok to comment on you child? makes no sense to me, why not just smile and say hello,
the endless "oh can she talk/walk/shag a sheep" drive me up a wall, whne I say no, there is the "oh what a shame"
wtf My dd is not a shame lol

Good question! I'm fine with any question - however clumsy - it shows interest. I don't like foot shuffling and never mentioning the A word. :)

Must admit I always notice hair in SN or NT children so am quite likely to comment . I'm so jealous of long shiny hair on little girls you see, because dd was practically bald until she was 3 yo and even now she has the sort of limp straggly hair that hairclips etc fall out of. She's never going to be flicking her hair in a shampoo advert!
I suppose that's why when people comment on ds's hair I've never seen it as "at least he has nice hair", because he has! And I'm very proud of it too.

Should that be hair on children?

Just.... don't ignore what I'm telling you.
If I say she's non verbal she's not going to answer your question, so stop asking her.

dd would shout at them:o
someone just asked dh if he would like to buy a soft toy(random odd person in the street) why does a 15 yr old want a soft toy ffs

you should have said "carefull she will bite" wtf she aint a dog!! what is it with people

When I told a Mum at school I thought DS was ASD (she has a child the same age) she said "I hear they are very good with animals". So I shouldn't worry that he doesn't speak to me then!

Or my SEN officer who frequently starts sentences with "the thing with these autistics is..." as though they are some species from another planet

I am kind of in the tone and intent camp

I would always prefer people talk rather than squirming with embaressment and trying hard to avoid eye contact.

I always try to take questions as a good sign and try to ensure that I forgive well meaning stupidity .

I also try to make allowance for the things people say when I recall the amazingly fucking crass things I have said when desperately searching for the right thing to say.
I sometimes think there is an inverse relationship ebtween how hard you are trying not to offend and the enormous density of the shite that then pours from my ones lips.

I get worried about how well meaning people can be terrified by the fear of causing offnse so we end up only ever interacting with wankers - the only people left who will give it a go.

actually the only one that winds me up a bit is the
oh they have special talents don't they?What is his special talent?

(..and yet again have to thank whichever mumsnetter it was who gave me my perfect reply

"... he can fly....!")

oh yes, the special talent thing...

I have got 'is he good at maths then?'

and 'I hear they can get jobs proof reading computer programs' (thanks for that, Vicar)(tactless git)(sorry God)

I LOVE the flying thing. I am so waiting to use that one!!!

...and I am lol at (tactless git)(sorry god)

I always say (deadpan) 'he can wee on demand, usually in an inappropriate place.'

Actually ds1 is a frigging genius at weirdy visual spatial memory stuff so if I'm being nice I talk about that afterwards. But then point out it's not much use if you have no way of communicating it.