Angry ADHD DS

[dmboots]

Can anyone advise some strategies?

DS13 has ADHD. He was diagnosed this year after it went wrong when he started year 7. He was suddenly not coping at school, being disruptive and rude and angry to teachers when they addressed it. Honestly the school were so unhelpful and dismissive and when I asked if there was more to it than ‘naughty’ they acted like I was just trying to make excuses.

Went to GP for advice and was put on Right to Choose and was lucky because a new local provider had just set up so we didn’t have to wait long. He’s now on meds and moved to a new school for a fresh start.

The issue is, he can be such a lovely boy but as soon as he perceives he’s being told off or asked to do something he doesn’t want to he can escalate fast. I’ve learnt how to communicate with him in a more positive way so he’s mostly fine at home. Teacher today told him off for something that he thinks he didn’t do… he was rude to her when asked to apologise he was rude about that too. Now school want a proper apology.

He will not be reasoned with to just say sorry like he means it and move on. He’s so angry.

The school sort of knew this about him when he started and that the best way to handle him is to be positive even if telling off- it’s all in the tone. He’s been thriving!

I fear he won’t apologise tomorrow or will be rude again and this will be the beginning of the end of this school.

How do I handle this? It’s (according to psychiatrist) ODD and / or RSD - both seem to be the same thing idk.

When he’s angry he’s unreasonable.

I just had to reply to say my son is very similar but 14 and in year 10. I completely hear what your saying, my son is the same and it's exhausting to deal with. He has been suspended for this same scenario for not apologising and only me attending the readmittance meetings with him to share his "side" and show I understand how this happened and what it looks like from his point of view but why it's unacceptable and be there alongside him as we are being told off for the wrong behaviour but this is what we will we do next time we have a disagreement has helped him calm down that I am not ganging up with him as well as school.
I don't have any magic words of wisdom, there is a huge amount of negativity about being a shit parent and forcing him to behave - but he is the most loyal friend and will stick up for what he thinks is right when others won't so he does have lovely attributes too. I feel for you.

@idontknow202thank you for the response. I feel for you.

I was feeling hopeful after a good start at the new school and now I’m full of dread.

I get where he is coming from in many ways but it’s the inability to see reason that frustrates. How many times I’ve said ‘just play the game’. He takes it all so personally when the teachers are just doing their jobs.

I admit I’m annoyed at his particular teacher talking to him as she did for acting in a way she perceived as disruptive when it was his stimming noises that he didn’t realise he was doing.

I should add he’s now year 9, so this was 2 years of school being dismissive and punative.

It's really hard isn't it as. Sounds like you're doing a great job advocating for him as much as you can. I have just applied for an EHCP, not hopeful it will be accepted, for the exact reason you said - for getting detentions for stimming and tics he can't control (he has tourettes too ) but it shouldn't have to be such a battle to get them well supported. Good luck sorting out the apology, that's hard for you both!

Does DS have an EHCP? If so, training for staff on how to communicate with DS and handle situations like this can be included in the EHCP. That’s pretty important for your DS’s profile.

As well as RSD, demand avoidance &/or more generalised anxiety could be playing a part.

My only advice would be to keep some boundaries while being supportive and understanding. Some things are non negotiable in life, and at 13 he will need to conform to some expectations, ND or not. I'd be very careful not to see all behaviour as anxiety driven, rejection sensitivity etc.

Teach him the difference between a true apology and polite rebukes. If he got told off for stimming, he has done nothing wrong, so he must not say: I'm sorry, what I've done was wrong. Teach him to say things along the line: I'm truly sorry that my need for self-regulation has been perceived as disturbing or rude. Basically teach him how to rebuke the teacher for misjudging while sounding polite and technically offering an apology.