School refusal help ..

[Bambiwithlonglegs]

I’m at the absolute end of my tether and just desperate to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience. Any advice, however small, may really help us right now.
My 11-year-old daughter is autistic and was supposed to start Year 6 for the new term, but she hasn’t managed to go in at all. She is in an SRP which has historically been brilliant for her, and this time last year things were calm and going so well. She has never had PDA traits, she doesn't mask, and she’s usually such a calm girl. But everything started going completely downhill around April when she started her period.
She understood the practical side of periods without an issue, but the hormonal shift seems to have sent her system completely haywire. Suddenly she just screams “NO” to everything and refuses homework.
Getting her to school used to be without issue, but it's hard taking her in now. The strange thing is, on any normal journey she sits quietly and there is zero problem. But on the school run, she started unbuckling her seatbelt while screaming at the top of her lungs, to the point where we had to get a secure harness seatbelt she can't unbuckle just to keep her safe on those school trips.
The school has been very supportive and tried to help by letting us arrive late around 9:45 AM, driving right up to her classroom door where staff would meet us. At first they could coax her in, but recently it deteriorated to two staff members having to physically lift her under her armpits and carry her in while she screamed her head off. It was distressing to see and I feel awful, even though I've been told she does calm down once inside after 5 or 10 minutes.
Now with the new term starting, we can't even get that far. She flat-out refuses to get dressed. I’ve tried everything, even physically trying to get clothes onto her, but she is nearly as tall and strong as I am now, so it's impossible and just traumatising for both of us.
It isn't just school anymore either—it has spilled over into leaving the house entirely. She has always been self-directed, but now it is so much more so. Anything she actually wants to do, she will happily do, like going out somewhere she has chosen. But if she doesn't want to go, or if it's not on her terms, she just screams NO. We used to go to the park daily with the dogs, but now she won't go. Going shopping, running ordinary errands, or just stepping out for normal day-to-day things is met with a flat refusal—not screaming, she just simply refuses to go.
Our home life is in absolute tatters. Her brothers are finding it hard. My husband and I are totally supportive of our daughter, but I find myself snappy, it’s taking a huge toll on us, and my own nerves are shattered. I’m emotional a lot, feel like I’m on eggshells at home, can’t reach her anymore, and am at a loss to help her.
We simply cannot carry on like this. Any advice on how to handle this, what steps to take, or where else to turn would be so gratefully received.

You need an early review of DD’s EHCP. Urgently. What support, including therapies, is already in the EHCP and has it been provided over the last few months?

In the meantime, request alternative provision.

I would be careful about having DD carried in. It can cause further trauma longer term.

Can DD explain what it is about leaving the house more generally that is tricky for her?

Some take the pill to regulate hormones. Including some who take 2 or 3 packs back to back before having a break. DD is young, but I wouldn’t rule it out.

Some find antidepressants helpful. Some only take them during certain points in their cycle. Others take them all the time.

For DBs, have a look at Sibs and your local young carers service.

Hormones and autism. Why our cycles matter more than we realise - Autistic Girls Network https://share.google/zybSKmy2VmRqZENWi this might be useful. I wondered about PMDD reading your post.

Divide and conquer as a family. Try and have 1 on 1 times with the brother and with your daughter. Activities could potentially be separate and not the entire family. Do things that she could be interested in.

She is struggling, needs down time to gain energy.

No omg I'm sick of that word. Sorry. Negotiate. Pretend you are in the SAS honestly get the child on board and reason with them.

Lower the demands. School isn’t working due to the environment and people. School can be tricky with all the rules and limited flexibility. Plus all other issues like noise and people.

I would strongly advise that no one touches your child and certainly not to “drag” her into school she would go in if she could. Forcing her won’t work.

Happiness is key to life not school. If you push too hard it can back fire badly if pda.

Equally EHCP you have to fight, spend lots of cash (maybe you don’t as some will say but we did tens of thousands) and still not receiving what we should. If I was to go back years not sure it’s worth fighting for an EHCP as I’m in a crappy LA. Home education? Or online school?

Any grandparents can help out? Is she allowed to walk the dog by herself for 15 mins for some chill out time to think. She will get a lot from the dog without actually having to chat to anyone else. Rather than let’s go for a family walk.

Yr 6 she is getting to the stage soon where she might not need watching 24/7 hopefully you can get one hr here or there.

It’s all about exams in yr 6 it’s not much fun.

Good luck.

@gettingcoldernowwarmblanketson despite what some LAs think, the law is the same in all LAs. If provision that is detailed, specified and quantified in F isn’t being provided, you can enforce it, including via JR if necessary, whatever LA you live in. If it isn’t already in F, that is a matter for SENDIST - that way it isn’t the LA making the decisions and doesn’t matter where you live.

You can secure a good EHCP without spending tens of thousands.