General exhausted by AuDHD parenting rant

[Quokkafeet]

Feel overwhelmed this morning. I work in a school so when summer rolls around I am mentally burnt out but my 8 year old with ASD and ADHD reacts so strongly to holidays it's like jumping from frying pan to fire.

He used to hate school, mask when there and explode at both ends of the day. This last year he's evened out a lot but is now just a fairly constant level of highly strung intensity. I'm not sure which was worse.

Anyway, the ending of the school year caused two weeks of bed time tears and the moment the holidays started he kicked up a gear and we just can't do anything with him.

Actual holidays, going away, has always been hard work. It's like the first 24hrs he scrambles for control and cannot be in any way managed or scheduled at all. He will kind of 'test' what control he has by asking for completely unreasonable/ impossible things and then having huge violent meltdowns when we have to say no. We are going away end of August and I'm dreading it.

He's coming up to 9. I knew he has ADHD when he was 5 but he was only diagnosed last year. We started medikenet titration last week. The ASD was a surprise diagnosis to me at the time but I feel like it's becoming more obvious as he gets older and the doctor said it may amplify once the ADHD is medicated.

I said to DH last night that while he was hard work between the ages of about 3 and 7, it was because he had these huge, huge meltdowns at least once a day that I knew weren't normal. I thought life was hard then but when I look back, between the meltdowns he behaved as a fairly typical little boy, a few sensory issues, but we really just lived life between meltdowns. The meltdowns have spaced out a bit now - sometimes we even have a couple of days without one and we also have less aggression. But the in-between is a base level of controlling intensity in which every part of my mental energy is used up keeping him on an even keel. He demands so much of me.

He is so intelligent. For the first couple of years of school, they couldn't believe it. He just academically flew and it didn't matter he couldn't sit through the lesson input because he knew everything already. He was reading fluently at 3 and doing addition and subtraction of two digit numbers in his head. But over time the other children have caught up and the curriculum demands taking in more information and actually putting in sustained mental effort. He has just met the age related expectation for year 3 and only just in the case of his writing, which looks like a spider has walked across the page.

He knows it too. I think being clever was part of his self identity and now he doesn't feel clever anymore. He regularly tells me he's "useless".

Socially other children are pulling away from him and I've noticed a lot of playground incidents are children winding him up until he absolutely explodes and can't calm down (eg, another child calling him by a different name 'as a joke' which DS could not handle. He ended up taking his shoes off and throwing them and screaming)

Not sure where I was going with this thread. Just woken up early this morning and feel alone with a long 5 weeks ahead of me! I have lots of lovely friends and used to feel like we were "all in it together ' when it came to parenting. But absolutely nobody in my life, aside from my DH, gets it at all.

Some people find starting ADHD medication can increase anxiety. For some, this settles over time. Others need a change of medication.

What support does DS receive? Does he have an EHCP? Other than the diagnostic assessments, has DS had any assessments?

Have you tried some PDA strategies? Some find non-violent resistance resources helpful. Some find the books the Declarative Language Handbook, The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child useful if you haven’t already read them.

Finding other parent carers can help, in-person &/or online. If that is something you want, your local parent carer forum might run groups &/or be able to signpost. We have a Goose and Carrot Pub on the SN Chat board if you want to join.

Some parents find counselling helps or a listening ear service.

If you wanted, you could look at social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DS’s needs.

There may not be anything suitable, but you could also look your local short breaks offer.

You have a few weeks of medikinet before you go away, so have a little time to see if he can tolerate it. Although ADHD medicines are started at a low dose and the approach is “low and slow” some parents do notice a difference in focus and regulation, almost straight away, even at a low dose. Are there plans to titrate the dose upwards before you go away? It can take time to find the right regime, but there are also children who do well straight from the outset.

It sounds like your Doctor has, rightly, been honest and realistic with you about the scenarios, but that doesn’t automatically mean your DS won’t do well. Given his age, boosting the availability of his natural brain chemicals will not only help him to concentrate and feel calmer, but will give him the space to learn and develop, and find ways to help regulate himself.

Reading your post, I just wanted to send you a hug. It sounds utterly exhausting, and also quite lonely.

We have a little boy who's nearly eight with an autism diagnosis, and we're pretty sure ADHD is part of the picture too, although that's not formally diagnosed yet. So much of what you've written resonated with me.

One thing that's been hugely helpful for me has been realising just how much anxiety sits underneath so many of the behaviours that can look controlling or challenging. For example, our son used to avoid writing whenever he could. We eventually realised it wasn't laziness at all. He felt insecure because he knew his handwriting wasn't as good as the other children's. Maths, on the other hand, where he feels confident, has never been a battle.

The same with losing games. He's not really a bad loser. He's terrified of how losing makes him feel. He feels "less than", and that feeling is so overwhelming that it comes out as anger or distress.

It's really changed how I respond to him. More and more, I see my job as filling him up with love, confidence and a sense that he's completely accepted for who he is. I want home to be the place where he can finally stop masking, where he doesn't have to prove himself or hold it all together.

I've spent a lot of time (mainly on TikTok) listening to autistic adults talking about growing up feeling they were constantly being corrected, criticised or made to feel they were somehow wrong just for being themselves. That really stayed with me. It made me realise I'd much rather my son grows up feeling deeply loved and secure than feeling he constantly has to fit someone else's idea of success.

Of course I want him to learn and grow, but I don't worry too much if his path looks different to other children's. I try to give him lots of opportunities to succeed, celebrate the things he finds easy, play games where he gets to experience winning, and remind him every day how amazing he is. I've honestly found that as his confidence has grown, the meltdowns have become less frequent too.

That's just what's helped in our house. Every child is different, and we're all figuring it out as we go.

Please be kind to yourself. From one neurodivergent parent to another, I don't think any of us gets everything right. Trust your instincts. Your post is full of love for your little boy, even through the exhaustion, and he's lucky to have you.

Sending you strength for the summer. x