To cancel birthday party for DS 14?

[arcticpandas]

Had a call from school. He has insulted another girl in his class several times apparantly. Think another word for prostitute. I am so angry, sad and disappointed in him. He's autistic so I make a lot of allowances for his weird behaviour but this is something else. He knows damn well what it means and that he can never say that word to anyone no matter how triggered he gets. I'm sure he'll come home telling me that she started it but I couldn't care less. He is so out of line that I think I will cancel his birthday party next week. AIBU ?

It’s more find out the whole story and apply mitigating circumstances to then arrive at an appropriate punishment.

Rather than go for a cruel and unusual punishment that is over the top without giving him a fair chance to explain his side of the story.

At an age where he should very well understand consequences perhaps the shock value of cancelling his party will do the job.

A friend's DS of the same age (although NT) was really playing up coming up to a Christmas. He was told clearly 'unless you improve your behaviour, you won't get the games console you asked for at Christmas'.

He didn't listen and continued acting up, so he didn't get the present. Plenty of other presents so he certainly wasn't left empty handed on Christmas morning, but not the big ticket games console he wanted. The shock of the consequence being carried out straightened him out and he got the console for his birthday a couple of months later.

I would cancel the party. It fits the crime both in terms of impact (he needs to know how very unacceptable the word is…) and in terms of logical consequences (you can’t be around girls until you’ve sorted your attitude towards them).

That’s assuming any girls were invited…

Don't cancel party, punish immediately with a different punishment.

I wouldn't cancel the party but I'd make sure he apologises to the girl.

Agreed, an immediate sanction, not wait weeks or months for his birthday. Take away his gaming device if he has one for 2 weeks and make him write an apology note to the girl stating he was wrong.

YANBU. Bad Actions have bad consequences, and the sooner he learns that the better. You’re being an amazing mum.

No, its trying to understand whether there was a reason for it.

Similar to hearing stories of a kid constantly being bullied by name calling, pushing, etc. All very subtle or out of sight of the teachers. The school do nothing and one day the kid snaps, punches and kicks the bully. The victim is punished, and suspended/expelled. The bully never faces any consequence for their actions.

We don't know what made OPs son repeatedly insult the girl. Is there more to the story or was he the one that instigated it for no reason?

@caringcarer The party is next week, so the punishment would actually be done and dusted faster if she cancels the party than taking a console away for a fortnight.

my daughter is autistic and I would be wanting to know exactly what happened in class if she was rude like that. She can be incredibly rude when stressed and say appalling things - but often it's a sign she is really not coping.

This does NOT mean it's acceptable by the way and it's my job as her parent to make sure she learns other ways to cope in the moment.\

But - I would defiinitely not cancel a birthday party.

Why not move this to the SEN board OP? It needs careful handling from parents who know what they are talking about. Not “remove his devices”.
I would talk to him about what happened, what provoked this, how he might deal with it next time, how some words are beyond the pale, how things are at school generally?
I also don’t think cancelling his party is the right approach for a teenager with ASD. It’s great he’s got a group of friends he wants to have a party with. So it wouldn’t be a punishment I’d rush to impose.

He's autistic, he knows it's wrong but he was probably very stressed.

^

Sorry, what???

Cancel birthday party. As much as children, teenagers and adults with autism can get overwhelmed, upset and struggle to cope... I dont think using misogynistic insults specifically is one of the symptoms of autism. My autistic partner has never called me a name.

Neurodivergence doesn't, and shouldnt, excuse everything and youre right to be angry.

Maybe go read the thread on the parenting crisis to open your eyes. A 14yo using that type of insult is far from a good lad.

^

This!!!

I absolutely would cancel the party. If he's going to behave like that with his peers, then it does work as a direct consequence. Treats his peers like that: no celebrating with them. He'll remember it.

ND isn't an excuse for poor behaviour. My brother is ASD and he would never have got away with this; on the occasions his behaviour was bad, he was punished in line with the actions. He's now a very respectful and kind man. I'm ADHD and wouldn't have dreamed of behaving like this. Ever. I come from a very loving and understanding family, but poor behaviour didn't wash.

So absolutely. Cancel party, and lock down his Internet access. I'd wonder where he was getting his ideas from. He knew exactly what he was saying but did it anyway. He's 14, not 7. Very soon he'll be a man, and he needs a swift lesson in how to treat women before another misogynistic prick is released into the world.

I'd give some sort of punishment but canceling the party Is a little extreme.

It’s deeply disturbing that you are angry enough to severely punish your ND child without even hearing their side of the story

^

Deeply disturbing?? Really??

I have read all messages and thank you all. His explanation: she said to some friends that I was autistic so I said to friends she was a €%%. Tit for a tat in his world. It is deeply hurtful when people use "autistic" as an insult. Also, they know he's different in school but not the diagnosis. I understand he was hurt and angry, I told him that. But he should have talked to an adult about this and not calling this girl names (not to her face but several times to his "friends").

He knows what %&& means but it's a word very frequently used in his school unfortunately. To get him to write a paper on misogynistic tendancies as someone suggested will not help. He's not following the program because he doesn't have the capacity (intellectual) to do so. He's mostly in sen class but sometimes with his peers for non academic subjects. He will be writing a letter of excuse to the girl. He hates writing so this will be hard for him. He's excluded one day from school but it's not a punishment for him so I want to punish him at home. He really doesn't realise that it's a despicable thing to say " everybody say that when they are angry in school". It's true, I have heard how they speak in his school, it's grim. But I don't want him to speak like that just because others are. I will think about appropriate punishment. He cried like a baby when I confronted him and that's the problem: he's so immature. He's not into girls at all and is pretty much like a 7 year old maturity wise. He will soon go into fulltime Sen which I think will be better for him. Thank you all for your comments. I will take try to calm down and think some more about this...

I'd maybe punish in another way - confiscate his phone for a day or something. I'd also give him a good talking to. I wouldn't cancel the party.

I have read all messages and thank you all. His explanation: she said to some friends that I was autistic so I said to friends she was a €%%

So was she using as an insult to him?

He has the social maturity of a seven year old and other children at his school routinely use that word? I can see why he would think it was OK to use it sadly. How many times do parents let out a swear word and their 6 or 7 year old picks up on it?

He should write a letter of apology to the girl, but is she going to write a letter of apology to him for using his disability as an insult? Is she going to continue doing it? Did she get any punishment at all?

The ultimate aim is for him to understand why what he said wasn't OK. Punishment isn't the only way to teach this. Younger teenagers often use insults without understanding what they truly mean so firstly I'd be getting him to explain to you what his understanding of the word was. Then there would be a frank discussion about what it really really means and the reality of why it's so bad. Whether a punishment was needed would very much depend on how he responded to the above.

I think if he would have already had to apologise at school. If she was calling him autistic as an insult, then she should also be apologising and made to understand think being ND or any other form of learning difficulty isn't something to ridicule.

I think that him writing a letter of apology may open the gates to humiliation if she flaunts it around and shows it to her friends etc. A verbal apology is good enough to avoid anyone else antagonising him.

I would think that a serious talk about the meaning would be better.

OP, I think what I'd say to D's is how would you feel if someone called you, whatever term he used to that girl?

I would take devices away for a week and make him write an apology to the girl. Really talk to him about how that makes made her feel.