To cancel birthday party for DS 14?

[arcticpandas]

Had a call from school. He has insulted another girl in his class several times apparantly. Think another word for prostitute. I am so angry, sad and disappointed in him. He's autistic so I make a lot of allowances for his weird behaviour but this is something else. He knows damn well what it means and that he can never say that word to anyone no matter how triggered he gets. I'm sure he'll come home telling me that she started it but I couldn't care less. He is so out of line that I think I will cancel his birthday party next week. AIBU ?

I would not cancel the party because that doesn't really fit the crime. Is he interested in dating girls? Does he realize that behaviour like that means every girl within earshot thinks he's undateable now? No girl with common sense wants to hang around with a boy who is liable to call them a slag, whore, or slut or any epithet really. I can't think of a positive way of getting that message through though.

What sanction are school imposing? I would support whatever they decide is appropriate but not punish again at home.

I would punish him but in a much more immediate way than something that’s happening next week. Something like take away a device or similar and give him a big talking to once he’s home.

He's autistic, he knows it's wrong but he was probably very stressed. Yes give him a consequence but cancelling his party seems OTT.

No I wouldn’t cancel the party.

I get what you’re saying but part of the school’s punishment in to contact home for home to follow up. That could involve a punishment at home as well as at school so that the DS knows everyone’s on the same page.

I'd listen to the explanation first and go from there with regards to cancelling the party. I'd be absolutely clear that I didn't back him up for using the word and I'd stand by any school punishment handed out.

I would punish at home for something as serious as this, but it needs to be something more immediate.

Yeah because that is really going to get him on your side.
He is a silly, immature boy (most 14 year olds are). He needs to apologize and not do it again. He is hardly a bad lad.

What an absolute cop out. It's not up to schools to deal with behaviour issues alone.

Maybe go read the thread on the parenting crisis to open your eyes. A 14yo using that type of insult is far from a good lad. Punish him at home, he's not a toddler who needs to be snowflaked over. No wonder children are so vile today - because of parents like you who make excuses!

Op this would be an excluded and taking very seriously at our school. So punish him at home too.

Absolutely.
OP, I’d do whatever you see fit. Autistic or not, this is unacceptable. I’d be inclined to try and think of something he can do to ‘earn’ his party back but I certainly would be coming down on this.

I'd do a different big punishment and allow him to offset it with a positive action.

For example, confiscate all devices for a month, lowered to 2 weeks if he e.g. researches and writes 2 A4 sides on problematic male attitudes to women and how his behaviour fits into that or can think of a volunteering activity to better the community for women, such as a sponsored activity.

Something that requires actual work and isnt just donating money.

This

No, you do not cancel the party. Nothing is more demotivating to a ND child than sometehing like this

Yes, you absolutely do make it clear how unahppy you are and have consequences. For me, that would most likely be around 1. reducing other social activities as clearly he does not have the capacity and 2. insisting on him doing something like additional chores. At that age, I might insist he watch some videos about sexual harassment etc.

I would speak to him to get the full picture ie not excusing the insult to the girl but more to see what triggered it and try to talk things through with him on how to handle situations in future where he feels triggered and how he can handle things more constructively. However I do appreciate it’s easier said than done.

I also want to add that I find al children, but ND children and young children especially, really struggle with the concept of takign responsibility and accountability. They're very narcissistic in that they think they are the centre of the universe and anything anyone else does or says is irrelevant and also that they can't be blamed for their actions if it is a "mistake" or "because she did x".

And hard though it is, it's part of our job to keep teaching them this. the example I use with both of mine is that it's like when I'm in the car. If someone runs out into the middle of the road and I hit them, even if I was driving at the speed limit, in an appropriate way and I didn't see them becuase it was dark and wet and they were wearing dark clothes... it would most likely not be my fault and I would not go to jail. BUT.... I would still be responsible for them being hurt or killed. which is why when it's dark and wet, I might perhaps drive a bit slower or be even more careful.

It's the old "two wrongs don't make a right" that my mum used to bang on and on and on to us about as well. And it does take a lot of banging on to get the message through.

I wouldn't cancel the party as a knee-jerk reaction but I would think it all through.

If it's an all-male party, will they need closer supervision than you'd planned to check for misognistic influences (or your son trying to impress the other lads by behaving in that way)?

If there are females invited, is your son mature enough to behave appropriately towards them?

Ultimately, you need to find out what happened. Then you need to talk to him about why it's wrong to use that kind of language. And then go from there.

The apologists for the behaviour on this thread! No wonder mysogyny is rising.

I agree with this, he should be using this as a learning tool to become a better man in the future, Kids make mistakes and they say stupid shit, we need to teach them to be better adults.

I wouldn't cancel the party over it, but I'd be grounding, removing the games console etc and (assuming the girl and her parents are ok with it) insisting on a face to face apology - or a written one if they're not.

I'd also be telling him that the only reason the party hasn't been cancelled is that it's unfair on others who'd already made plans, but one more slip up will see that changed pretty quickly.

I wouldn't cancel his party.

What he did definitely needs to be dealt with at school, because that was where it happened, and also at home as parents do have an obligation to raise their children to be functioning adults.

My ND DS had already self combusted and departed the school system at that age, but as a child a year or so younger, I would have supported the school with whatever they did and tried to find a punishment at home that was more immediate - such as loss of devices for the next couple of nights and writing an apology to the girl involved.

But I would also have talked through with him what he said and why he said it. My ND DS didn't always appreciate what things actually meant and would sometimes say very inappropriate things but didn't actually mean what he said.

Friends with Benefits was one memorable thing he said to a girls mum. He thought it meant being friends and both liking the same things. He was mortified when I explained it.

He's autistic so I make a lot of allowances for his weird behaviour

I'm guessing you dont actually think that he's weird. However, he has likely been called far worse over time by a lot of other students, because he is 'weird'.

Ask the school what they have said to him. Then ask him why he said that particular word and decide a more suitable punishment. You would BU to cancel a birthday party for that.

He is 14. Lots of teenagers swear at/insult each other for impact/contempt because you really dont like that individual person. By itself, it doesn't automatically mean he's misogynistic or looks down upon females.

Boys will be boys eh? VOM. I thought Wed moved on from this type of thinking. His behaviour WAS bad.

Punish him but don't cancel the party.