To cancel birthday party for DS 14?

[arcticpandas]

Had a call from school. He has insulted another girl in his class several times apparantly. Think another word for prostitute. I am so angry, sad and disappointed in him. He's autistic so I make a lot of allowances for his weird behaviour but this is something else. He knows damn well what it means and that he can never say that word to anyone no matter how triggered he gets. I'm sure he'll come home telling me that she started it but I couldn't care less. He is so out of line that I think I will cancel his birthday party next week. AIBU ?

No i would have a serious chat with him about prostitution and why some people use these words to demean women. Hopefully the embarassment will make him think twice.

Precisely! All the 'yeah but' and oh don't cancel his party it'll be demotivating it's a punishment for dreadful behaviour, it's not meant to be enjoyable!

It's really important for autistic teens to have and keep a peer group. One thing that often happens is that they don't have enough friends to invite to parties, so miss out. Make the punishment something different. You will also be punishing the teens who are looking forward to it. The general rule of thumb is to not give a punishment that affects anyone else.

Punishments need to a) fit the crime and b) be appropriate for the age and stage of the child.

A 14 year old child with ASD should not be treated in the same way as a NT 17 year old.

that's nto to say there should not be consequences or punishments, just that they need to be appropriate. In this case I'd argue that he really needs the actual UNDERSTANDING banged in. WHY is this not okay. Because he clearly isn't getting it and that is what needs to be nipped in the bud.

My post has been hidden. Re use of language, use outdated, offensive words for disabled people to show how these words take away an individuals humanity.

Sorry but if he said what the op implied that’s not something any person should be calling another. Regardless of age or gender.

OP despite being ND he can learn right from wrong. It’s not “weird” saying this. It’s wrong.

I agree that consequences should be more immediate and relevant for him
to understand. I don’t think you leave it solely to school because at the end of the day he’s your responsibility for life.

As previous folks said-I would want ant least an apology and discussion around attitudes towards women. Some good ideas above.

I’d also say this is a warning. He has to do X, Y and Z (whatever you decide are relevant punishment) and if any further language like this or he doesn’t comply with X, Y and Z then the party will be cancelled and the money saved donated to charity.
I wouldn’t jump straight to cancelling the party, but absolutely would if there was a repetition or he wasn’t absolutely putting his heart into learning from this.

Do you ever call it weird behaviour to his face?

I would punish him immediately and cancel the party.

YABU for referring to your Autistic son's 'weird behaviour'.
I wouldn't punish him as it happened at school, but I'd have a bloody good conversation with him and check what shit he is accessing online.

No absolutely not, you’re at the age where very shortly you will loose all influence, this is the wrong move. He’s not in primary, you can’t be cancelling his party, it seems age inappropriate. Obviously misogynistic language is not acceptable. I work in a boys secondary and we tend to go for restorative methods, so stuff thats linked to the offense and has some learning with it - canceling a party does not fit the bill. Plus as an autistic person he probably struggles socially so party canceling again a terrible idea. Feel sorry for the lad if his own mum describes him as weird, I have an asd dc, this is not the language I would use and since this whole incident centres around use of language I feel this relevant.

Check, and if necessary restrict, his Internet access. That sort of behaviour was on the watch sheet we recieved from school about boys especially accessing online forums about the "Manosphere" (basically men being downtrodden and women taking over everything)

I would cancel it.

As a mother, I'd be uncomfortable sending a child of mine to your son's party because I'd fear it could be seen as support for your son's behaviour.

Do something else for his birthday perhaps, but the consequence of sexual harassment needs to be serious and I think canceling a social event would send a clear message.

I agree. I think the most important thing here, is him understanding misogyny. Maybe he just said it because it's a word that's banded around a lot by his peers and came easily to mind in anger. It's a good example of everyday misogyny.

You wouldn’t punish your child for disgraceful behaviour at school? That’s shocking.

Very stressed ?

He could have done any number of things to express the stress or to display distress.

What he chose to do was use gender specific language to denigrate and humiliate a fellow student who was female.

He knows the meaning of the word he used, and he used it more than once.

There is no clear link between stress and his choice of language or target.

It’s deeply disturbing that you are angry enough to severely punish your ND child without even hearing their side of the story. Would you like that to happen to you? A colleague calls your boss and says you insulted someone and that’s it, you’re given the sack? No chance to say your side of things?

I also think cancelling his birthday party is a massive over reaction even if what is alleged happened and he was entirely at fault.

You need to consider the fact too that autistic kids are often bullied mercilessly in secondary school. Kids know the buttons to push, the things to say to put an autistic kid into a meltdown, and they will do it as entertainment.

Mum of a rather gobby inappropriate asd teen boy here. He is 13 nearly 14 and bloody hard work. Totally something he would do.
I would keep the party but remove electronics and make him sit through a documentary on the effects of calling women names and abuse etc. Found it to be more effective (and dc loathes it)

Sure, I'm not saying it's appropriate behaviour by any stretch, just that the punishment is disproportionate, particularly for a child with autism. Personally I'd be much more likely to remove his phone or PlayStation or block tiktok and work on educating him than remove his birthday treat. Birthdays and Christmas are unconditional for me.

Sure, I'm not saying it's appropriate behaviour by any stretch, just that the punishment is disproportionate, particularly for a child with autism. Personally I'd be much more likely to remove his phone or PlayStation or block tiktok and work on educating him than remove his birthday treat. Birthdays and Christmas are unconditional for me.

Give him the punishment that you would’ve given him if he did this just after his birthday.

No, it doesnt excuse swearing or insulting another person but it's unrealistic to believe that teenagers do not swear or the extent that they swear. Or call each other insulting names.

What OP needs to ascertain is why he was insulting the girl. Whose to say that she wasn't saying awful things to him earlier in the day without being caught by the teacher? Was it him losing his temper and insulting her in retaliation (again, not condoning but understandable).does he know what the word is and the bigger implications?

At 14 even if they know what a prostitute is, I doubt they understand all the reasons behind it and it not really being a true 'lifestyle choice'.

Yes teenagers are old enough to know right from wrong, but it doesn't mean they have adult brains and think/react like adults. During puberty their brains go through another huge developmental change, it's almost comparable to a toddler, their emotions take over and they act without much thought. I can only imagine that this may be more extreme in some teens that have ND.

I agree, and with an ND 14yo often having the social maturity of a preteen child, allowances should be made for not understanding how it is socially unacceptable to say that particular word even if provoked when other insults/words you can say and it’s just fucking about and socially acceptable.

Look what you made me do?