urgent cc advice need - just put dd in bedroom to cry it out...

[mamachat]

have been trying to put dd in cot for past 2hours as need to tidy up etc befotre bed, so have now decided to let her cry it out.

how often should i check on her and what should i say or do when i enter the room

i am not resentful that she cannot slepp but i can not carry on like this and i feel it is not good for her either that she can not get to sleep alone

I do know how awful it is when your lo won't sleep and I've had many a 4am moment when I thought, sod it, I'll do cc.

Luckily, PU/PD worked for us (eventually). BUT if you do want to do cc, do all your research on it and formulate a plan, in the day, before bedtime begins, so that you can at least have a safe, calm and consistent strategy to work from. I know from personal experience that the things I've decided to do at 4am when I've reached the end of my tether aren't usually the best ones.

Stick it out tonight and then have a think about things in the morning. If you do decide to do cc, at least then you'll know it was a calm, rational and informed decision rather than a spur of the moment thing.

well bbm a lot of things used to go on all the time.
doesn't mean it's ok does it?

I hate that line.
new research is happening all the time, things change, opinions change, we realise that maybe some of the things we were doing have bad implications.

just because something has been done before doesn't mean it's ok or safe. and just because you know someone who was left to cry who seems alright doesn't mean everyone will be

I'm new to mumsnet but it seems like lots of the regular posters are convinced that leaving your child to cry themselves to sleep = abuse. Don't listen to them - you do what is right for you as well as your child. You need your sleep in order to function and to be a good mother to her in the day time. Call me a traditionalist but night time is for sleeping, and your little girl needs to learn to fall asleep without you. Would suggest you check that she's not been sick/has trapped wind/got dirty nappy, kiss her calmly goodnight, leave her door a little open so the light is reassuring and then retire to end of the garden with an ipod and a beer. Pop in every half an hour to make sure she's OK. Was v tough but worked for us! (Might be worth worning the neighbours tho) PS The bald patches will grow back!

I can't find a conclusive report referring specifically to cc.

It's supported by many sleep clinics - most stating that temporary (not continued, consistent etc as the posted articles referred to) discomfort outweighs the benefits of the child then sleeping properly.

mamachat - how is it going?

but can't you see that they aren't learning to go to sleep by themselves?
they are learning that when they need comfort they don't get it. so they give up asking.

every half an hour??? seriouisly????

no it doesn't but it also shows that every child that has been subjected to CC is going to be somehow disturbed by the experience.

The fact is we don't know what affect it has on mental wellbeing. It is very unlikely to be a black and white affair - there are too many variables.

mamachat - I was and I did it. Took 20 mins the first night, 10 the second, cracked it by the third.

You know what you need to do. I turned to it when I was walking down the street crying and feeling unable to cope. We both needed to sleep. I completely know where you are coming from and totally understand.

With DS1 I went in at regular but less frequent intervals. So, go in after one minute, a quick cuddle and put down (in the dark, no eye contact). Then two minutes. After say 4 minutes, don't pick up but pat/stroke briefly. You are reassuring her that you haven't gone anywhere. Make the gaps slightly bigger each time you go in. It can be a long, long process, but you will get there.

Controlled crying is not about neglect or abandonment. It is not about leaving your child to get distressed. You are managing the situation and giving reassurance. Tune into her cries, you will know frustrated from distressed.

Tonight DD2 (DC4) who is also 14 months is spending the night in her own room. All night, with no bf. I have shipped her sister out into my bed, I will do exactly what I said there and persevere. I know I will be shattered tomorrow, and possibly the next day, but I am comfortable with it and am confident it will work. If she wakes up at 6am she can come into my bed for a bf and cuddle before we get up, but anything from now until then, in her room, in the dark and no bf.

Good luck with your night

.. Warning the neighbours?

but IMO the research you are referring to is talking about prolonged unsoothed crying.

mama - sadly I have to go now.

I do hope the night goes OK for you. You must be an amazing mum to be sleeping all night with your breast in the mouth of your dd. You are obviously very devoted to your daughter.

But you do sound as though you have reached the point where you need to decide what is the next step for you.

Do read around the subject and decide which method is going to be good for you AND your dd. Lots of people on her have opinions and help to offer.

exactly, we don't know what effect it has on mental wellbeing.

so why risk it?>

OMG - I sound so patronising mamachat !

I just thought you might have felt you got a bit of a going over on this thread and I wanted to say I think you are doing great - better than I could have done anyway.

We don't know the effect that a Mum functioning on no sleep has either - not to mention the hundreds of other things we do with our babies that we don't know the effect of.

i do think theres lots of confusion over cc and cio.you said 'I have spoke to sleep professionals who say their methods are cc... ' who did you speak too?

mamachat ignore all the unsympathetic posters. The last thing you need right now is being at the centre of an MN bunfight.

Whatever anyone's views on CC the OP has posted asking for advice and help. Making her feel bad is not helpful and supportive.

mamachat I hope she's starting to settle for you.

If you've made a snap decision to leave her to cry then don't be afraid to go in to her, and do whatever it takes to sort it out tonight. Then tomorrow, with research, preparation and a brave heart you can start again. If you want to .

And like your DD, she is using my breasts as a dummy.

And what about the OPs state of mind? What about her ability to cope? Its all very well showing this research, that report, but what solution or practical advice can you give? What are we meant to do?

Hi mamachat, I feel v sorry for the responses you have got

I don't really like CC as a 'technique' as I think we need to respond to our children as children BUT agree with you that you CAN change things (and might get a bit of crying as a side-effect). Personally, I would go and comfort her tonight then work out The Big Plan for how you will teach her the exciting new skill of sleeping on her own! You could start during the day with lots of talk and games of putting teddy to sleep and saying night, night and leaving the room... there are other ways to teach children. Do try and get No-Cry Sleep Solution from library - you may decide to accelerate a bit more but it really is 'another way'.

Good luck - my daughter was similar at 14mths but like you, we wanted to improve things (also we put her in a bed at 15mths). She is now 2.5 and sometimes sleeps with us, but has a lovely, positive sleep association and happily goes to bed when tired (is asleep in her bed tonight - prob jinxed it now )

Good luck, listen to your child, and do what YOU think you need to

And what about the OPs state of mind? What about her ability to cope? Its all very well showing this research, that report, but what solution or practical advice can you give? What are we meant to do?

people have offered her alternative advice.
the no-cry sleep solution can and does work very well.
it isn't a toss up between letting them cry or sleeping with your breast in their mouth.
there are kind ways of doing sleep training

I admit to having let the housework slide when ds2 was at his worst. because his and my sleep were more important. I was in bed at 8pm to ensure that I got enough sleep

I have a Tomy Winny the Poo lightshow which is voice activated (Mothercare) which I would recommend. Often she will go back off with just that. I find that anything after midnight requires me and my nipples

My neighbour once knocked on my door at 1am to tell me there was a baby crying. Thanks for that.

BTW he is nearly 7 and seems perfectly well adjusted. And he sleeps beautifully.

Oh and one other thing: isn't sleep regression really common at 14 months? Vaguely remember sleep regressions coming at 4/5 months, 9 months and then 14.

My DS has been textbook as far as the 4 & 9 month regressions and during the last one, PU/PD completely failed. WE had 3 awful weeks of him screaming ans fighting us but we remained calm (well, ish) and he's now gone back to 'normal'.

Knowing that it was probably a regression or related to his development really helped me cope - I knew he wasn't just being a 'bad' baby.

Dunno if that's useful, but am sure there are threads on this on the sleep board.

Good luck, hun, and hope you get some sleep soon xx

Hi Mamachat

Hope she's settled since you first posted.

At that age, might be worth ruling out wind or teething pain which they are more aware of in bed with no distractions. Calpol, bonjela, teething powders are all good.

Can I also ask what sleep cues you are giving her? Also look for her sleep cues e,g rubbing eyes & yawning, since once they go beyond tired they can be harder to settle strangely

If you dd is het up to the point of hysterics I would pick her up and comfort her tbh. No lights, or talking just soothing sounds and cuddles. You might have to do this a lot tonight but leave a bit longer each time before going to her to give her a chance to self-settle

Then start afresh tomorrow.

There are some links here and here that give specifics about cc.

This is my post re: the same issue - there is another way, I promise!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=5&threadid=552436

This is my post a few weeks later:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=5&threadid=561256#11512135

Within a couple of weeks, she was sleeping through the night, and still is. In her own cot. She still holds my hand to go to sleep, but we will wean that over time.

Please don't despair, but CC is not the answer to a baby that has only ever got their comfort from you, suddenly being expected to go it alone