urgent cc advice need - just put dd in bedroom to cry it out...

[mamachat]

have been trying to put dd in cot for past 2hours as need to tidy up etc befotre bed, so have now decided to let her cry it out.

how often should i check on her and what should i say or do when i enter the room

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I think the anti-cc train of thought is that you cannot tell if it is doing damage or not so best not do it BUT the amount of damage caused by a parent or parents not getting enough sleep for a prolonged period of time is known. It's not just damage to the parent it is everyone who suffers.

the "nice" way?
leaving them lying on a muslin covering their own vomit?
can you imagine being so upset that you actually vomitted???

and that's a NICE way of doing things????

will try and find links to the studies on CC. hang on a minute.
it was basically linked to the levels of stress a child suffers when left to cry, especially if it is done repeatedly and they are very upset. the stress hormones can damage other parts of the brain.

Leaving to cry is damaging? Where is this research?

I can see that leaving a child in deep despair by just shutting the door and walking away on a longterm basis could lead to a depressed and "shut down" child.

But to put a child who is overtired and cross down; to keep going back in to say night night and reassure them every 2-5 minutes - how can that be damaging?

gagarin - thank you, have you done cc? if so how old was dc and how long did the first night take for them to fall asleep?

I hope it is not much longer as my neighbours have children ythat also need to sleep...

i do agree with gagarin. ds bangs his head when angry, but i can tell the difference between his cries of distress and angry shout like screams.

The Definitive Child Rearing Book, by Margot Sunderland, is based on more than 700 scientific papers, and claims that the technique of controlled crying can be danger- ous. If you persistently leave a child uncomforted, ignoring their distress, Sunderland writes, it can result in brain changes that end up creating a neurotic or emotionally disordered adult. Sunderland has been working with children and their families as a child psychotherapist for 20 years and is now director of training at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London. She feels strongly that we should be working with our parenting instincts more.

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For many years we have assumed that the child's brain is robust. It isn't, she says. Key chemical systems are not yet established after birth and continued stress can damage, even shrink, part of the brain, the corpus callosum. Magnetic Resonance Scans show a direct relationship between early stress and these brain changes. We don't yet know how much this will impact on a child in terms of emotional difficulties, but we do know that persistent, uncomforted emotional stress including smacking â?? can make these structural brain changes.

Asha Phillips, a child psychotherapist, lecturer at the Tavistock Clinic and author of Saying No - Why it's Important for You and Your Child. They need to cry from time to time, she says. But don't let a baby cry for hours. The problem with controlled crying is that it is not always responsive to what the baby can manage. It is externally imposed by an "expert" and not tailored to your baby.

and an eva lillian piece here

can i ask of all the people that are making me feel like the meanest parent in the world - how many of you are a single parent with a very demanding 14month old dd that wakes frequently at night and takes hours to go to sleep?

No, the nice way to do it is going in every 3-5 minutes to reassure them and put them back to bed. My DD is often sick from rolling too much, or when she has a cough, it's just a reaction.

I haven't done cc personally but I don't think the OP needs a bashing when she is probably finding it hard enough! It is her parenting choice, she didn't ask for opinions on whether or not to do it just how to do it.

and a guardian piece

Sorry but my dds twined their fingers in their hair and pulled clumps of it when they are very tired - they are both hair twiddlers now. Very simlialr to nailbiting and thumbsucking as a selfsoothing behaviour - just very annoying when they keep waking themselves up by doing it too hard .

My dds are older now - but I did cc with one of them. It took me ages the first night and a very sore back with leaning over the cot so I could pat/stroke her for a while before I left the room.

And as for the vomitty bit - no it's not nice but she ws also an easy vomiter so used to roar with fury when put in her cot and then heave a mouthful or two. Which I rubbed off, gave her drink of water and re-settled her.

the OP isn't getting a bashing. I happen to feel very strongly about CC though, and so I have offered an alternative (no cry sleep solution) to her which should work well if she is interested.

people asked about the research I mentioned, so I have posted it

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Mama - I tried a version of the baby whisperer - it worked well for me...(I say a version, I adapted it a little to suit DD).

It was very gentle in its approach and allowed for some variation. It meant DD was never just left to cry, was about helping her learn to put herself to sleep while knowing we were there for her.

i do have her in my bed and she still wakes at least 4 times a night and likes to sleep with my breast in her mouth.

when she is normally like this i go straight to bed with her and even carry her to the toliet if i really need to go in the night. or hold it in till the moring.

but i have to clean up as i had mice and need to keep them away.

Crying for hours - I quite agree.

But leaving a baby for 2 minutes to realise she has been left alone, to grumble, shout and then yell before mum comes back pats/strokes and re-settles before leaving again is hardly the same.

IMO it is much harder for the mum - esp if they have no support downstairs making them a coffee.

mamachat, please don't get me wrong. I KNOW first-hand how absolutely horrible it is to have a crying, sleepless child, I really do.

I am not a single parent but dp works away from home quite often so I have to deal with it myself a lot.

like TTWP says though, you need to make an informed choice about it. If you can read all you can find on it and still say it's what you want to do then go for it. But i'd hate for you to do it and then regret it.

she's only a baby still, and this won't be forever. when you think about it it's such a teeny percentage of their life that they're crap sleepers for. She will get better, and there are nicer ways of helping her than leaving her to cry.

sometimes my ds2 needs me to just cuddle up with him on our bed and hold him tightly so he doesn't keep tossing and turning and he goes off quite quickly. maybe you could try that?

How can you expect the OP to carry on like this if she is on her own? Presumably she has to drive during the day (for example) and be a responsible and alert parent to her dd - there comes a point whereby you cannot do this when you haven't had enough sleep.

CC has been going on for years from what I can tell. I was surprised to hear from a friends mother a few days ago that he was just left to cry for 2hours at a time () when he was an older baby. It was apparently the way things were done at the time. He is a very well adjusted person who is very secure in himself - no signs of being affected badly by it in any way.

but gagarin it isn't just 2 minutes is it? even if you resettle them briefly the crying starts again? and may go on and on and on.
cumulatively it could be a long period of upset for the LO.